Tuesday, July 5, 2011


I quit! I think I will just quit my job! I guess I need to live in utter poverty. Jack got a phone call from the home health agency today (I was at work) saying that we were denied services again! She said she ran Jacob's medicaid and it was expired. I guess as of the 1st of July the government finally did what they have been threatening for months. His medicaid is GONE! So no medicaid, I owe SSI over $800 where we were "over paid", and now it is time to suck it up and pay for his 15 or so medications out of pocket every month. I was told by the company that provides his g-tube equipment that insurance pays that 100% so hopefully this is so. They also sent me a financial assistance form "just in case." They have programs that help pay the difference.
 Do you know the week of his birthday Jacob has 5 doctors appointments and they are all specialist. The co-pay for specialist is $35 so yeah that is $175 alone in co-pays. We have planned this big birthday party for the kids..I might have to charge admission to pay for the water slide. LOL For someone who has depleted their savings trying to stay afloat and currently has umm about $13 in their bank account...it really sucks. All I want to do is take care of children and spoil them! I want to give them the things my parents couldn't do for me .That is why I went to school right? I guess it is time to start cutting off luxuries. On top of this news I got a bill collector call from the GYN office that took out my IUD in January...where I was told it had to be surgically removed...and when they opened my cervix in the OR it just FELL OUT! Yeah! I already paid them $500-600 just for them to removed supposed "embedded" IUD. Now they are wanting another $121. So, she set up payment plans for me. I REALLY DON'T WANT TO PAY IT! I should just change to a different doctor. My husband also owes his doctors office over $100 and he can't get in to see his MD until it is paid. It freaking sucks that I pay hundreds of dollars every month for private health insurance and you still have to pay so much out of pocket....not to mention my need for dental attention. I need my teeth cleaned...it has been way past due. My husband too! I think I have a cavity in between 2 teeth and a few weeks ago I broke a tooth that had a filling in it doing a NO NO by trying to open something with my teeth. Maybe Jack and I should quit our jobs, let our teeth rot out and move to some section 8 housing. WTH! Maybe we should stop paying our mortgage then we will know we will have at least a year of "free rent" before we are forced to leave right?

Jacob's pulmonologist called with the results to his immunity lab work. She ran test to see why he keeps getting sick .Apparently none of his vaccinations are where they should be. Some were low and others were like he never received the vaccines...I called the pediatrician's office and the nurse seems to think that maybe they tested for the wrong ones...the pulmonologist wanted him to be referred to an immunologist?? If that is the case that would make 12 doctors that Jacob has. The pediatrician's office wants to see the labs before we make any referrals.

The icing on the cake. We just had our septic tank pumped for the 3rd time in 1 1/2 years about 2 weeks ago..it is full again, the drain field is clogged and it was quoted about $3000 to replace it. Anyone have $3000 I can borrow. Hell maybe we will just get some buckets with toilet seats on them and bury our crap in the back yard literally. Litter box? Hmm shower in the water hose. Take our cloths to the laundry mat. I dunno. When it rains in pours turds!...at least it does in this house.

What the hell did I ever do to deserve everything that has happened to me? I try not to question God, his reasoning, or feel sorry for myself...but seriously can I at least catch a break and win the lottery or something...can someone buy me some lotto tickets please? 

Thinking that having spontaneous triplets was such a blessing then the Twin to Twin Transfusion, the premature birth, 6 1/2 months of NICU, Logan dying, Jacob's mysterious massive brain damage, ruining my credit when I could no longer afford the payments after constantly having to take time off work...hell maybe next week I will get something saying the credit card companies are suing me...then I can file bankruptcy. The few good things I had left helping us the $52 a month in SSI turned into an $800 debt...it was a blessing not having to pay co-pays for Jacob for the last 2 years and now I have to endure this expense to.

I stopped taking all my meds because I figured I didn't really need them and didn't want to pay for them...and I wanted to have another child...I don't think that will be happening any time soon. Might just have to shoot myself if  I got pregnant....will practice abstance LOL Then I would have to find away to pay $1200 to deliver the baby and another could thousand to save the stem cell cord blood so we can use it for Jacob one day. I am shaking not litterly, but inside like when you are so mad that you want to punch something. I feel like that all the time. I have had people that say their is places out there to help appeal the medicaid thing etc..but I honestly don't even have the energy to want to do. I feel my self spiraling down hill fast. The weight is on my shoulders. It is "my job" to deal with this stuff and I'm just not good at it. I wish I could be one of these moms that could do it all. Sparkling clean house, work, advocate for their child, raise money etc....I follow blogs of wonderful moms and dads that have done tons of fund raising to raise $30,000+ to get stem cell therapy done on their children. I'm not that creative, I'm not that organized, and honestly if I was motivated I wouldn't be fat. LOL I feel the need to start smoking period, hell chain smoking would be good...then I would have to afford that too, popping large quantities of pills. If  I did not love my family so, I would just quit and walk away. That would not be fair to anyone. I guess we are all in this together, but I'm really tired of this ride. I used to feel like I just sailed through life without anything super good or bad happening to me and I liked it that way...staying off the radar is just fine for me. Now I feel like people are throwing turds at my face.
I hate feeling sorry for myself...because I know things could always be worse. Be greatful my husband and I both have jobs, a roof over our head, food blah blah blah.

I feel bad for Christine and Alex...their car got repoed today. Alex is still trying to find a job. Christine seems to be doing okay. I think she wrote a blog yesterday click the button on the side of my page and check it out. I haven't even had a chance to read it yet.



  1. WOW! that is a lot to take in. I was under the impression (In Maine atleast) that if I had a primary insurance and state health insurance that the co-pay would be taken care of by the state?

    I really hope for the best and that you work things out. I for one would tell SSI to fuck off and not pay them since if you were on it in the first place where the EFF will you pull 800 dollars out of? thin air?

  2. I understand your frustration of being denied and shelling out thousands of dollars every year for out of pocket expenses. It royally sucks.