Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Logan's 3rd Angelversery

Not so much a happy occasion for your mom and dad, but a celebration for you. Today marks the day of no more pain and suffering for you. Today 3 years ago you earned your place in the arms of our Lord and Savior. I pray for you often. I pray for healing for our family. I pray for healing for Jacob. I pray for peace for you dad.

When this blog posts it will be exactly 3 years since your heart stopped beating while I held you in my arms. In the past 3 years I have met so many other parents who have been right where I have been. Nothing ever makes it easier and there is still no words to comfort a parents who has just lost a child rather they pass before they took their 1st breath or lived into adulthood. Even though I have been there. I don't know what to say.

The pain of your loss is still there and I'm sure it will never go away. I have accepted that I can't bring you back and trust in God that I will see you again one day. This brings be comfort and I have peace that you are not suffering. Now that years have passed the tears don't fall like they used to when the pain was so fresh and raw.  My heart does not feel like it is being ripped in two when I hear another child with your name. Every now and then I get blind sided off guard and I cry and hurt for you out of the blue. My arms still ache to hold you.

Your sister being born in May helped heal part of me that has been an endless hole since your death. Nothing will ever replace you, but looking at her so healthy and big. It was wonderful to bring my baby home with me this time and watch her develop and grow normally. When I look at her sometimes I see you. The little line down her forehead is just like yours. When I look at the back of her head it reminds me of you and you long little hairs when you laid on your side while isolated in the tiny room you lived in in Pod 1.

I love how Ava understand that you are her brother and that you lived. She likes to go to the cemetery and clean your headstone with me and put new flowers on your grave. She draws pictures of our family. When I ask where you are she points at the pictures and says you live in our hearts with God. Sometimes she even cries and tells me she misses her baby brother Logan. Andrew still doesn't understand. Jacob is just Jacob he is part of you and you are part of him. I look at him and struggle to see 2 of him. He has such handsome features. You would have been such a beautiful child.
I wish so badly I could have had both my brown eyed brown hair baby boys and my blond hair blue eyed boy running and playing together. That fantasy never goes away. I feel bad for Andrew. He clings to Ava and neither pay a ton of attention to Jacob. Our family was robbed from having you in our lives. Jacob was robbed from having a normal life. Andrew was robbed from having brothers he could laugh, run, and play with. Even though the pain lessons, I'm not sure the "should have" and "could have been" moments from broken hopes and dreams ever goes away.

I hate what twin to twin transfusion, prematurity, and RSV has taken from our lives. You have changed my life just as much today as you did the moment you were born and the moment your heart pumped for the last time. My arms will always ache to hold you against my chest just one more time. I will forever have visions of birthday parties, 1st days of school, family pictures, and many other moment with all 3 of my triplets alive and healthy. I miss and love you with every ounce of my body.

This was your dad's facebook post yesterday: Well tomorrow is the day of Logan's deathiversery, 3 years later. I am still in sorrow and depression. I still have negative bad feelings towards Winnie Palmer hospital for all they did to Logan. A broken leg, rsv 3 times, a trach, a g tube, a nissen etc etc. He had a few handful of good nurses but, to the bitch that broke his leg and didnt admit to it #5@3&5$ fill in a dirty bad word. Karma is a bitch. Ill cut you. My wife says its to late to do something, its a sad thing that a hospital is sooo powerful that no attorney will touch them. I still get upset and jealous when I see people with 3 healthy triplets and sometimes loose it when someone, i know stranger don't know any better but it affects me, and they say oh are they twins referring to the two survivors. It burns me more when they are surprised that they are brothers just because they are not identical and one is special needs. I was training a new guy the other day and he fought and argued with me that deathiversery is not a word and i told him several times i think i should know, I have it every year. I love you Logan and I know your watching down on us. Not sure how to deal with things, Jacob misses his identical brother.We will not forget you. I have soo much more to say but i will stop now thank you for reading the rant. - Jack G. out

Lastly, We celebrated your life yesterday with our family as today your dad works and wouldn't have been able to do as much. We went to the cemetery and cleaned your headstone as we do every time we go out there. I forgot your flowers at home and will bring them out soon. We wrote messages on balloons to send into they sky. Ava and Andrew let them go and a gust of wind blew them into a tree. We put don't ant poison for all the fire ants that attack us every time we go out there. We were blessed with 20 gallons for free gas from your Grandpa Jerry and then we went out to dinner and just spent time as as family. Today I plan on keeping myself busy and doing what I can to give back to others over the next few weeks. I am teaching a lady how to make boutique hair bows in the morning. Anything I can do to stay positive and remember that you are in a better place than I am and I always will have the promise that I will see you again.

Side 1 of Ava's picture to you. I like how she drew 3 hearts.

Side 2 with 3 more hearts :-)

Message from mommy on 1 of the 3 balloons we sent to the tree for you lol

Message from daddy.

balloon 2

On balloon 3 and a picture drawn by Ava. She said this is her and you together with rainbows and sunshine.

Other side of balloon 2 that has Hannah's message

This picture on balloon 3 was drawn by Andrew.

Ava and Andrew sending the balloons up.

Clean headstone and flowers to come soon. I was going to send Ava's picture up with the balloons and she insisted it stay with your headstone.

David’s Child Dies 2 Samuel 12:16-23

And the Lord afflicted the child that Uriah’s wife bore to David, and he became sick. 16 David therefore sought God on behalf of the child. And David lfasted and went in mand lay all night on the ground. 17 And the elders of his house stood beside him, to raise him from the ground, but he would not, nor did he eat food with them. 18 On the seventh day the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spoke to him, and he did not listen to us. How then can we say to him the child is dead? He may do himself some harm.” 19 But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David understood that the child was dead. And David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.” 20 Then David arose from the earth nand washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord oand worshiped. He then went to his own house. And when he asked, they set food before him, and he ate. 21 Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, youarose and ate food.” 22 He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, p‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ 23 But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, qbut he will not return to me.”

Thursday, January 24, 2013

I think it is time for an update.

We had a pretty busy December and a great Christmas. Kids got plenty of gifts and they are already striving to be on the "good list" because they believe this will get them better gifts at Christmas time again. There is nothing super wonderful and new going on, I am pretty much just going to bomb this post with a ton of pictures.

There are a few things I will talk about...Baby Hannah is growing way to fast. She is 8 months old now. During this past month she learned how to get into a sitting position on her own, then a few days later she started crawling, then the very next day she started pulling up to a standing position. She did all this with 10 days. About a week ago we got the babbling "ba-ba" and about to days ago she added "ma-ma" I'm introducing more and more solid foods to her and trying not to be paranoid that she will chock, aspirate, and get a brain injury...kinda traumatised about this...she is working hard at falling and hitting her head as often as she can already. I think she needs a helmet. We are still breastfeeding (well pumping and bottle feeding) and it is going well.

I am motivating myself to FINALLY getting serious about potty training Andrew. I think he is finally understanding and is getting better about getting his pants off. He struggles, but I think he can at least get the pee thing down for now. He has even learned to stand up and pee when he goes. He has yet to ever tell me he pooped or asked to go on the potty..this is why I have been afraid to do this whole potty training thing. He is 3 1/2 and long over due. I really believe Andrew has some issues that may need more attention and I don't feel the school is addressing them. I could be wrong. They test him and tell me for the most part he is "within normal range" and don't feel he needs any kind of therapy.  I try not to compare, but I don't have much else to go off of. I think that is abnormal that he can not dress or undress himself. He will not even take off his shoes or socks on his own or put them on. He just tells me "I can't". I've discussed this with his teacher at school and she tells me he DOES at school. He can't open things on his own. He tries, but can't even tear open things that have the little slit that you pull open. He can't put his own straw in his cup. He still refuses nearly all food that is not candy, chips, or peanut butter sandwiches. Occasionally we can get him to eat pizza...he basically eats the crust. I still have him on about 3 pediasures a  day just to keep him where he is at. He is nothing but skin and bones. Has no meat on him at all. As a big girl it is just unnatural to see a child that skinny. He looks sickly to me. He is in the 20th percentile I think in weight. He is around 29lbs. He has actually lost weight at one point he was 31 pounds. I think he has a sensory issue. I stopped making him eat anything besides peanut butter months ago after his 3 year old check up because the MD told me not to force him to eat. I still offered him food though. I had no bread to feed him his breakfast, lunch, and dinner of peanut butter sandwiches a few weeks ago so I broke out the old high chair and made him sit in it with a plate of food on it. Green beans, a few tiny pieces of steak, and a baked sweet potato. He chocked down some green beans by me forcing him to put it in his mouth and feeding him (he won't use a spoon or a fork either) the meat made him gag literally. He chewed it and was pocketing in his cheeks. I told him to swallow and he tried and then puked all over the table. Seriously! I am in the process of getting an appointment to see a developmental pediatrician.

Ava is really catching on at school. She had a rocky start and was falling behind and needed a little extra help working on sight words, but is now where she should be. She was diagnosed with hypothyroidism several months ago and now takes synthroid and it seems that it has helped. She has stopped gaining weight and doesn't tell me she is tired all the time like she used to. She does surprisingly well getting up for school in the morning too.

Jacob is doing well considering his issues. No real improvement in cognitive development or movement. The nissen fundoplication he had in July has CHANGED OUR LIVES. He is gaining weight and not sick anymore. He has had phenol and botox twice since May and his tone is SO GOOD now. He is off all his meds except for his seizure meds and as needed dose of baclophen. He goes to school with Andrew Monday - Friday, but they are in different classes. He is so awake now compared to the drugged state he was in all the time from the medications. He is happy and so alert. He is still over the moon for Mickey Mouse Club House and pretty much watches it all day long. I'm still hoping we start seeing some new improvements in him.

I have been out of work since Hannah was born. It was a very hard adjustment for me to be home all the time and going to down to 1 income. We have made it work so far. We do our best to get the kids out and about without spending a ton of money and are always looking for free and cheap things to do. I have a list about 3 miles longs of needs and wants for income tax time. LOL We have so many things to fix at home including out septic issues that a wheel chair van is not going to to be on the table this year. :-(

2012 Family Christmas picture Celebration, FL

playing in the "snow"
My babies

Daddy and his babies


Dancing in the snow

spitting at Daddy
Jacob got a new seat for his gait trainer. He was rather happy about it.

1st time my baby took steps in months with the new seat.

Jacob's special tomato stroller

I started making bows and this is one I made to match one of my favorite outfits.

stretching Jacob's legs

he did well sitting like this for about 10 minutes

Jacob was really alert on Christmas morning. He seemed like he understood what was going on. He was very happy.

Christmas morning 2012

loved his new light

Had this shirt made for Jack lol he wore it with pride. This was at Celebration.

at Celebration "ice" skating Florida style bubble snow and all

Andrew Christmas morning

Hannah Christmas morning