Tuesday, January 30, 2018

8 years later

Remembering Logan is always the hardest post I write every year. Another year has come and gone without a piece of my heart. Today is the 8 year anniversary of Logan's death. Nothing makes talking about death easy, especially a child's death. As his mother I choose to speak about him openly. I chose years ago not to spend the entire day dwelling on the sadness this day brings that never quite goes away. Though as I write this post I can't stop the tears from falling. As a family we spend the day celebrating his life along side of mourning his death.

 Remembering the short time we had with him is important to me. Jack and I spend this day together every year. It is more important to me than any birthday or anniversary.

8 years later I still remember almost every detail of 6 months and 12 days his heart beat. As a coping mechanism I tend to block out things in my life that have caused me any kind of trauma or anxiety. Sometimes I have to stop and just look at his pictures and the few clips of videos I have of him just to draw me back in. Remembering his face. Remembering his little temper. Remembering how long and hard he fought to live. He never gave up. Choosing to turn his ventilator off to spare him from suffering anymore is something I still struggle with and live with daily. I've cried a river of tears. My guilt will always be there in making that decision for him.

The triplets premature birth, Jacob's brain injury diagnoses, then Logan's death all happening within 6 months goes without saying was the worst time in mine and Jack's lives. Many relationship can't make it through that kind of loss. Jack and I by far have had our moments but reflecting back over 8 years our family is stronger. We are incredibly blessed. We were blessed to have Logan even for a short time. I still see Logan every day in Jacob's eyes. It's a  reminder of the connection they share. They both had the deepest brown most innocent eyes that melt your heart.  Jacob is still winning over all the ladies with those eyes. 😁

I'm all over the place. It's past 4am. Ive been writing this post between tears for over an hour. My reflecting is my time to remember. To cry without an audience and to just let my emotions flow. I'm okay. We are okay. I'm looking forward to spending the day with my husband. I'm looking forward to holding and loving on baby Jackson today who happens to be 4 days older than Logan was when he passed. I'm thanking God for my healthy children. I'm looking forward to spending the afternoon with my children and going out to dinner to celebrate Logan's life. I'm looking forward to dropping off all the baby bags to Gwen who runs Oh My Baby. My goal is a bag for every year he has been gone. This year instead of 8 bag I have 10 bags AND a $150 donation from a sweet friend that will make an 11th bag. Thank you to my sisters Patricia and Sarah who I pestered endlessly until they bought stuff off my Amazon registry. Thank you Beth. Thank you to all of the generous people from my feeding tube backpack page that truly helped me reach and surpass my goal. Between the monetary donation and the items bought for the bags that's roughly $1650 we raised in about 30 days.

Creating these bags is a major outlet for me every year. 11 babies will benefit from Logan's love this year. 💓

Because I've failed to keep up with the blog Jackson Gunter was born on July 14th. He is 6.5 months old. Perfectly healthy and is ruling the house. 💓