Thursday, April 29, 2010

Stupid IUD! Jacob had pneumonia Family in town

So My dad drove from AL to my house on Saturday morning my sister Sarah, her boyfriend, and son got here Sunday night. My mom has been here since 3/31.

To start, Jacob was really sick on Sunday both boys had been sick for about a week. Saturday night he had a very high fever I could not break (BTW apparently I was under dosing his meds). At 530 am I decided to take him to the ER. They gave him an appreciate amount of Tylenol and Motrin together and his fever went from 103.9 to 99 over about 2 hours. He had a chest x-ray and blood drawn with an IV. He had IV antibiotics in the ER. His oxygen saturation kept dropping in the high 80's, but was staying normally between 90-95% Turns out he had right upper lobe pneumonia. They kept him in the hospital over night because he did end up on oxygen when he stayed in the 80's to long. He was discharged around 1pm (I think) on Monday. He was doing much better.

Monday night my wonderful friend Jill took the boys for the night. My sister Tabetha watched Ava and my nephew James. My parents, Jack, and my sister and Levi went to the casino. My sister lost over $100 my parents were up by $40 when they stopped. Jack won $29 and I initially won $82 and then lost it. So mine and Jack total loss was only like $6 in the end. LOL but it was fun.

Tuesday my we all went to Disney World and went to the Magic Kingdom. We took Ava and James to. We got there at 10ish left a little before 8pm and then went to Ohonas for dinner. We watched the 10pm from the beach at the hotel. Picked the boys up around midnight and then it was nap time. Poor Jack had 3 night in a row of less than 4 hours of sleep and had to be at work Wednesday morning.

Oh and I totally forgot. Our patio was laid in the backyard on Monday to. I will post pics soon when I get off my butt and take them,

Wednesday I did nothing but go to walmart and Lowes. I did get to drill a 4 inch hole in my wall to make way for a new dryer vent so hopefully our cloths will dry faster and the dumb ass dryer will stop telling me to clean the lent thing every 7 minutes.

I have been feeling very tired and sick for a little over a month now. Even taking the adipex it has not helped. I thought it was just depression or something. I have been nauseous which I figured was a side effect from the med and even vomited a few times. While I was at Disney I got really bad cramps after riding Space Mountain. Then I went to the bathroom and realized I had started bleeding. I was not due for a period, but I honestly don't know when the heck I should be having one because since I got this stupid IUD in September I have had some sort of bleeding every week. So then I started having these paranoid thoughts that I was pregnant. While at Wal-mart yesterday I picked up a 3 pack of cheap pregnancy tests. I took one when I came home and it appeared negative. I threw it away. Then I remember when I was pregnant with the triplets I took one the day I was due for my period and it also appear negative. 2 days later I looked at the same test and indeed once it dried it had a very faint blue line, I just did not wait long enough I guess when I initially took it. So, thinking about this I took the test back out of the trash and looked at it again. Sure enough there it was the faintest of blue lines in the positive spot. I took another ones this morning with the same faint line. This time I examined the test well to make sure you could not see a line under it before I peed on it. I called my OB and I went in for a blood test to see if these test are playing mind games with me. Either way neg or pos there is still an issue. I can't find the IUD string. I am bleeding heavier than I have since I got the IUD placed with cramps and clots. So if I was/am I am prob having a miscarriage. I read up about pregnancy with IUD last night and most cases do end up in miscarriage from what I seen. There were those lucky ones who did deliver full term babies with IUD still in. Crazy. I wish I could donate my super ovulating ability to someone who needs a baby. So I will know for sure tomorrow. Either way they have to do an ultrasound to check the IUD placement. I hope it was negative since I am bleeding so much and that I am just actually having a period. Now that I have grossed everyone out with my personal business I will say goodbye till next time LOL

*UPDATE* I went to the doctor on Thursday and had blood drawn. On friday morning I called and spoke with the nurse she said the blood test was negative. So, either I had 2 false posative tests, or what was there had already passed from my body by the time the blood was drawn. I also went today (Monday) to have IUD placement checked and apprently I had not drank enough water and I was told I had to reschule the exam.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Big Boys

The boys doctor appointment went well on Monday. Andrew is 16lbs 11oz he is only in the 5% for his weight and head but if you go back to 6 months where he should be he is in 25% Everything is on the chart for growth except for his height. He is short one.

Jacob is 16lbs 5oz his height is in the 15% but his weight and head are both less that 3%

Andrew met all his milestones for a 6 month old and some for a 9 month old.

Jacob is still at a 2-3 month old range.

We should be getting the foot orthosis ordered for Jacob soon. The PT took the measurements last week. She just has to get them approved and submitted through insurance and early steps. Hopefully this will help stop flexing his toes and feet down all the time to give him the best chance of walking one day. The doctor noted that she thinks he is getting a contracture to his right ankle already. So, I am going to have to be more vigorous about his range of motion than I already am. I have noticed even when he is in his crib he does make more of an effort to bring his hands to his face, but still not showing any real control of his hands as for bringing them together or using them to grasp things.

Andrew is rolling all over the floor. He entertains himself so easily. He lays down their for hours playing with his feet and hands. He falls asleep and start all over.

I got out the habbit of feeding them with spoons and started using the feeder bottles. I am still trying to break this habbit. I fed Jacob today with his Boon spoon again and he did okay. Andrew wanted no part of it lol.

Not a good sign it is 8:09 at night and Ava has been asleep for 2 hours. She is going to think it is play time when I am ready to go to bed. I have stuff out for dinner, but I am feeling kinda lazy and think I may order some pizza now.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Sick Babies

Lots of things going on this week and unfortunately all the kids are sick with green nasty noses and coughing. Today they boys go for their 9 month old check up. I am going to ask the doctor about Ava as well. I'm so tired of her coming in my room every night between 2-6am crying that her tummy hurts. Maybe she has acid reflux or something. This has been going on and off for a long time now. I'll post later how the doctor visit goes. Our new washer and dryer is going to be delivered today. I'm excited. We got Bosch 4.4cu ft front loader washer and dryer. This is going to save a TON of water. The washer only uses 13 gallons of water verses my current washer that uses 40gallons. This will help lesson our septic tanks crisis in the future...I HOPE Everything in my house runs to the septic washer, dishwasher and shower, toilet etc all the usual. We apparently have a 15,000 gallon septic tank. I prob wrote all this before but it still stresses me. We had the tank pumped for the 1st time since we lived here (2ys) and the septic guy said it was past full it backed up to the point the toilets would not flush and the shower did not drain. He told us then that our drain field was prob bad. We pumped it expecting to get through until income tax time then have it replace. Well, it was full again last week this time it actually came out of the tank and started running on the ground EWWWWW. So we call the same guy back out pumps it again. Less than a week later Jack looks at it on Saturday and IT IS FULL TO THE TOP AGAIN. Bad part is that it take like a month until they can come out and dig a drain field because they have to get permits etc 1st plus other jobs ahead of ours. Jack found the junction box to the drain field and dug some clogged paper and slim out of it. NASTY NASTY NASTY and it started to drain a little. He said it was full of sand and prob needed to be replaced still.

Tuesday we are FINALLY suppose to get the floor finished!. Wednesday I have education at work all morning long. Jacob gets his physical therapy Wednesday and Friday still.

Ava is making more of an effort to not use her diaper as a toilet. I did find her sitting in my sink in my bathroom trying to bath because she pooped in her pants and was trying to hide it. Why she thought bathing poop off her butt in the sink was acceptable I have no clue.

It has been such a blessing to have my mom here this past week. Jack and I have gotten so much stuff done. The latest accomplishment was getting the garage cleaned. We can actually park our car in there again. Oh well Jacob is fussing again. We have been giving the babies albuterol/pulmicort treatments all week and they have been super whining and not sleeping. I need to feed them and get them ready for the doctor.

Friday, April 16, 2010

To buy or not to buy

So this has been a really crappy week. Work sucked last weekend. My muscles hurt so bad by the time I left Sunday. Monday was spent doing HOA matience with Jack at the front of our subdivision then we came home to find our washing machine leaking from the under side of it and not spinning. Tuesday we had to have our septic tanked pumped for the 2nd time since Febuary 18th. Our drain field is not working and the tank was so full water was coming from the ground. Also on Tuesday had a place come out and quote us for a padio coming off our back door. Jack has been wanting this forever and I felt that since I insisted on having the floors in the house replaced, that I had to let him have something he wanted. Friday afternoon after the patio was paid for we got into a huge fight over some really stupid stuff esp money. I snapped I totally went crazy if it was not for the fact I did not want to go to jail I would have attacked him. I also had to take care of my sister's sick kids this week. So guess who is sick now! EVERYONE!! Wednesday I took Jack to work so he could bring back his old Explorer. It has been with the mechanic for over a month. I had a date with my frined Melissa and that stupid truck really ruined our plans. The plans was that Jack was going to meet us so we could drop the truck off at the family's home that we are donating it to. It was suppose to be a suprise. Yeah, well Melissa and I were visiting Logan's grave site I got a call from Jack saying the truck broke down on him in Polk City. So instead of our dinner plans we had to drive to Polk City and drop him off at home. We had prebought movie tickets so we had McDonald's happy meals for dinner LOL drove to the movie. Got some really nasty nachos that were over $11 that tasted like chemical. I could not eat them ended up throwing them away and vomited up everything I ate. After the movie we went to Denny's and then home for nap time. I spent yesterday doing NOTHING it was great. Today is garage cleaning day. We will see how it goes. All 3 kids are sickie and Ava has a fever. The green snot started rolling today. She has not slept well. She has been waking up early and making sure she wakes me up too. She thinks it is exceotable to stay up until 2 or 3 am and has mininal naps during the day if any. I don't know how she is functioning.

Oh and on Wednesday I had the appliance repair man come out and fix the washing machine $100 later. I just had the dryer fixed maybe a month ago give or take. Ugh! Some how a baby sock got past the barrel and went into the pump and jammed it. Caused it to leak and not spin. We looked into getting a front load washing machine. They use way less water and you don't have to worry about it being off balance all the time. They are SO expensive though. They started that goverment rebate program today. I am debating on if I want to spend that kind of money knowing we have to pay $3000 to replace our drain field. because you know if I get the washer I must have the dryer. I guess I will reserve the rebate thing and I have until the 25th to decide. That is all for now. I am off to start cleaning the garage until Jacob's physical theropist gets here. This Adipex and doing nothing for be but giving me dry mouth.

Monday, April 12, 2010

10 weeks ago

10 weeks ago Saturday. Mine and my husband's lives changed forever when Logan went to Heaven. I thought it would be easier as time goes on, but I am finding it harder and harder. Seems like every day that passes is a little more depressing than the last. I left work early on Saturday and just sat at his grave side and read my bible, I thought it might help sooth the aching pain I feel inside, but of course it does not. I fighting this depressed state I want to be in and try to continue to rejoice in the Lord that he is my salvation and he loves me.

As I continue to mourn Logan, I have also found myself mourning Jacob's handicap. I feel like such a selfish person. As every week passes and I see Jacob not doing the things Andrew is it just breaks my heart. I feel horrible that he has to struggle. I continue to feel guilty like it is my fault and that I made the wrong decision somewhere along the line. I always ponder the what ifs I can not change. Did his brain injury occur from the TTTS before he was born, or is it my fault for allowing them to be delivered to soon. Would Logan still be here if I would have tried to keep him in just a few more days. Would Jacob's brain be normal? These are the answers I know I will never have. I know that no matter what decision was made, that God's will would have been done anyway. I continue to feed myself that "everything happens for a reason, and that it is God's will" I even feel comfort in knowing that God had a purpose for Logan and I am grateful for the 6 months and 12 days I had with him. I think back to this past January. I can't actually remember the last time I held him before he was dying. I remember the nurse asking me if I wanted to hold him the last time I seen him before he got sick and me telling her no. If I could have changed it but I can't I would have spent MANY more hours with him than I did. I would have held him every chance I had and I would NEVER have taken for granted that I was certain he was coming home and that I would have the rest of my life with him. I think of all the lonely hours he spent in that hospital room alone. The days when I was just "to tired" to go see him when I wish I would have. The guilt I have is unbearable at times. I cry and cry. I pray to God to deliver me from this pain I feel and it just gets stronger each day.

Totally off track again. I thought by finding a support group for parents of children with brain injuries would make me feel better about Jacob. I think that because I had such high hopes for Logan, that I have a hard time believing that Jacob will "function" one day. I now find myself thinking the worse and I have never been that kind of person. I'm sick of all the uncertainties! Is Jacob every going to be able to communicate? Will he ever walk or have control of his own body? Is he every going to stop arching? Will he be able to eat normal or is he going to end up with a feeding tube? BTW I can't find any support groups around here. I have yet to really look into online groups.

Okay Okay I am done with my woe is me moment anyone who made it thought that I'm sorry. Thinking positive now.

I just discovered that I think I am getting a cavity in one of my top molars..oh this is not positive at all.

My sister tells me she thinks the meds Jacob is on is doing wonders for him. She said he seems like a different baby. Her boyfriend Isreal is really good with him and said that he had him actually laughing like Andrew does.

Andrew is working on his rolling still. He does roll both ways now, but has not totally mastered the art of rolling. He is also working on mastering his balance with sitting up. He sits up unsupported for a little bit but as soon as he moves his arms or feet he fall over.

Jack and I started seeing a weight loss doctor on Friday. I am on day 5 of Adipex. I have not noticed a huge difference. I am still tired. I don't have any motivation and my stomach seems like it is always growling and wants me to feed it. Jack did not have a good reaction to his meds the 1st day, but seems to be adjusting now. I'm so sick of being so fat. My mom was taking a picture of me playing with the babies and when I seen it all I could think of is the fat ass smelly women who's stomach hang below their knees sitting on a motor scooter. So I will fight this depression (because I can't take anything for it with the Adipex) kick it's butt to the curb and continue to regain control of my house and my life. The new neighbors gave us their shed which is less than 2 years old because they bought a HUGE one. So tomorrows goals are to go to Lowes and get blocks to put under the new shed. Replace the light fixture at the front of our subdivision that some jack ass ruined. Seriously if I knew what ass hole neighbor did it I would defiantly cross my mind to throws some screws under their tires etc... notice I said cross my mind, not actually do. they fills a make shift "box" with that orange insulation foam to hold the light up. It looks like it belongs in a red neck trailer park and now the entire light fixture and pole it is on is destroyed and has to be replaced. I think I will post a picture of it tomorrow. We literally have to saw it off to fix it. Oh back on track again. After that we are going to clean out our garage and hopefully by Tuesday night we will be able to fit at least 1 car back in their.

I love my little Ava she is so sweet. Looks like an angel sleeping :-)

Monday, April 5, 2010

Grandpa's Cancer, Easter, and floor update

Several things has happened since my last post. Some happy, some not so happy. :-(

The floors turned out okay so far. I have s step down into my living room and that is the only thing that is not finished. Hopefully that will be done this week. We had a rug made for the living room and I just got a phone call saying it was ready. :-)

Last Sunday my grandpa was admitted to the hospital because he was having severe abdominal pain and had not been able to eliminate his bowels in a month properly. Turns out he has stage 4 cancer that started in his pancreas and has metastasised into other parts of his body. It is terminal and he has only been given 6 months - 2 years to live. My mom and other members of my family have taken this news bad. My mom flew down from AL on the 31st of March to be here during the decision making process. I can't even describe my feelings about this. Sometimes I am like why is everyone so upset, if this is God's will it will be done. My grandfather is a Christian and I have comfort I will see him in the Kingdom of Heaven one day. On the other hand I don't want to see death anymore and I wish he did not have to face this. It is horrible to know your time is limited. I know that none of us know when we are going to die. It would be today or when we are 90, but to know you have as much or little as 6 months??!! I don't want him to leave us.

Thinking about death again so soon after Logan has started a new emotional roller coaster of anxiety, stress, and depression. Saturdays are hard for me. Every Saturday marks one more week apart from my miracle boy. Something as simple as the age of a patient sent me into a neat panic attack. I had a lady come in for a simple noncritical reason to the ER. She was 98 years old. Sharp as a tack still. She had no serious health issues and still did many things on her own. All I could think was wow 98. Then I felt angry that Logan did not get to make it 1 and how my grandpa is still able body and has this sickness within him that is going to take him before he is 65. Then I started thinking about how healthy this lady still looked. Then I thought I'll never make it to 98 because how unhealthy I continue to live. That rolled into thoughts of Jacob and the chance that he will need life long care. I don't want him to live in a nursing home because I am to fat to take care of him or because I die from being such a fat ass my entire life. So I vow that I just ate my last chocolate bunny and I am making better judgements for my life so I can be here for my family able to doing for myself and others until God chooses to take me home.

Easter was wonderful. We went to our church. My mom came and so did Jack's parents. The babies and Ava were dedicated. I pledge infront of God and my entire church family at Journey Church to live a Godly lifestyle for my family and do my best teach our children about our Savior. I have been praying with Ava every night before she goes to bed for about 3 weeks now. Open prayer as a family is something we had lost over the past year. We all pray still but I never involved Ava except for at the dinner table every now and then. It is so cute and makes my heart full of joy to watch her. She lays in her bed and I tell her it is time to pray. She folds her hands together and puts them under her chin and looks down. I tell her to close her eyes, but usually when I am done and I look up she has her eyes open looking at the tv. It has become a routine with her though. I have noticed good changes in her. She not been as mean towards others manly her father. Back on track now. After a WONDERFUL church service. She had an Easter egg hunt at the church with other toddlers in her class. Then we went to Outback for lunch with my mom and Jack's parents. We stopped by Logan's grave and left him an Easter lilly. After that we went to the hospital to see my grandpa. He got to hold the babies and Ava sat next to him in his bed. It was nice to finally get to take them up there. Then it was time to go home for nap time!

Jack is home from work sick today :-( Ava is still working on potty training. Jacob is much more allert than he has been in a while. He smiles alot more now. I am joyful to see him express when he is pleased lol. Andrew is rolling over now from him back to his stomach. I have been putting them together more like I did when they were smaller. They have been in seperatae cribs since mid Febuary and I realized they really don't spend that much time next to each other anymore. So I have been putting them in the same crib for nap time and letting them spend time together on the play mate. They are both sleeping now.

I got this from an email from Faye. She is so wonderful to me even though she lives so far away. I love the encouragement she sends to me and I thought I would pass this along to others who have thorns in their lives.

The Blessing Of Thorns

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed
against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had
been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of
her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son.
She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her
husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose
annual holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not

What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her
grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to
empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm
feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.

"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered aloud. For a
careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-
ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of
her child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?"

The shop clerk's approach startled her.

"I....I need an arrangement, "stammered Sandra. "For

Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to
challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the
Thanksgiving Special?" asked the shop clerk.

"I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued.

"Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months,
everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. " Sandra
regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk
said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi
Barbara...let me get your order." She politely excused herself
and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared,
carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed
thorny roses.

Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped...there
were no flowers.

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke?
Who would want rose stems with no flowers!?! She waited for
laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara
replied with an appreciative smile.

"You'd think after three years of getting the special, I
wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it
right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her

"Uhh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uhh... she
just left with no flowers!"

"Right...I cut off the flowers. That's the Special... I call
it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for
that?" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling very much
like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had
very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to
cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs,
and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband, "continued the clerk,"
and for the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays
alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too
great a debt to allow any travel.

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful
for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked
God for good things in life and never thought to ask Him why
those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I
ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are

I always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took
thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the
Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from
His consolation we learn to comfort others.

"Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing
her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't
want comfort.

I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop.

"Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.

"My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement
....twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the
clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you
mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?

"No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my
wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a
real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged
through problem after problem.

He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she
kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from
"thorny" times, and that was good enough for me. I took home
some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one
for a specific "problem" and give thanks to Him for what that
problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend
the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life."
Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me
that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's
providential care more during trouble than at any other time.

Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might
know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the
accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those
twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them
ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?" asked Sandra.

"Nothing." said the clerk.

"Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The
first year's arrangement is always on me. "The clerk smiled and
handed a card to Sandra.

"I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you'd like
to read it first."

It read:

"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have
thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my
thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the
value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you
along the path of pain.

Show me that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look
much more brilliant."