Thursday, May 26, 2011

I love you

Little Andrew has been talking up a storm this week. 1st off I think he has learned how to say  almost every one's names except for his own, Christine's and Zander's. He says clearly Mommy, Daddy, Ava, Jacob, Breeanna, Cody, Michael, and Gavin. Not sure if he says my sister's name or Isreal..never heard him though. Tonight he busted out with "Milk" for the 1st time...atleast that I have heard it...he was screaming I want MILK! He told me "I wuv you" for the 1st time on Monday afternoon. His favorite words are "I want down". He screams this no matter if he is trying to climb up on something, if he is trapped in the baby cage, his crib, or his high chair...he always wants down. LOL Now with all this new language development he is using it to his advantage...I had him in his crib in my room. I had a mountain of laundry. I was folding the laundry, it is about 9pm and this is what Andrew says as he is jumping violently in his crib for attention. "MOMMY! I want down! I love you. Mommy! I LOVE YOU. I want down. Please. I LOVE YOU! I WANT DOWN! This went on for a good 30 minutes until I left the room and he finally went to sleep. I have attempted to capture one of these verbal outburst on video, but my cell phone is either dead or never in my reach when these precious moments occur. You must imagine this conversation in baby garbled language. It was quite cute and you can actually understand what he was saying...or at least I could. He is a little stinker. He is saying so many words now and he is putting them together so well. He identifies his eyes and nose now. He will tell you all about yours too. He likes putting his finger up your nose and in you eye too.

I think everyone is finally starting to get over the illness going around in my house. Some people still have a stomach bug, but I guess with 10 people is bound to pass around a few time. My kids seem to be getting better..of course Jacob has to delay progress. He is going about every other day without vomiting for now, but he is also not getting any baby food and sometimes only gets 3 feeds a day depending on how congested/coughing he has.

I guess there are new medicaid rule in effect in Florida. My son takes A LOT of meds and they are all prescribed at different times, so they are all on auto-refill. I stop by about once a week and pick up whatever got filled that week. It is hard to keep track of them all and when they need to be filled...apparently out great Governor decided to make it where medicaid prescriptions can't be auto-refilled anymore??? according to the pharmacist. Also his erythromycin has to have a new prescription every 10 days even though he has refills. ARE YOU SERIOUS THIS IS SHIT! Pisses me off. My son only has medicaid as a secondary insurance, so even though he has private insurance that pays 1st we are still stuck with all the new medicaid reform. I guess they figure by inconveniencing those who on medicaid they will save money because people will be to lazy to refill medications they need??? Stupid! Why don't we just drug test all the low lives living off the system so they can buy their drugs instead of taking care of themselves and their children and give out IUDS and tubal ligation to the scanks that have 10 kids  by different men so they can sit on their ass and drawl cash assistance, food stamps, free rent etc. I had a lady in the ER actually tell me she had so many kids so she would not have to work...I commented man I hope you man has a good job or you get a lot of child support...and she actually told me..."Oh no hunny, none of my baby daddy live with me. I get money from the government..."oh and you have to get all your kids diagnosed with something so you can get SSI off all of make sure you smoke crack the entire time you are pregnant until you deliver. Okay sorry got a little off track there.

Jacob has been very alert that past few days. He seems like he is trying to use his hands. He does not keep them in a fist all the time. He is opening his fingers and bring his hands to his mouth and face like he used to when he was smaller. Anytime he reached his arm out in front of him before he would have his hands either in a fist or wide open with fingers spread...I don't know how to explain it seems like I am seeing a glimpse of some possible voluntary hand use. When I say some I mean like a tiny grain of salt worth of hope...just enough to get you hopeful, but not enough to say he is really doing it on purpose. Just seems like he is trying to grab things. I don't think that makes sense, but maybe you can figure it out. LOL He is curling himself up to his side when he sleeps. I put him to bed on his stomach and he curls himself up in a ball until he is kinda on his side. One thing he is NOT doing anymore is pulling himself up off the floor. Before he pushed up and pulled his chest up off the ground and looked around. I have not seen him doing this in a while. Maybe I just need to lay on the floor with some toys to stimulate him.  He is babbling a new sounds though, but he communicates in his own way. He cries certain ways so mommy knows what is wrong..he has the "Mom I am bored turn the music/TV up loud to make me happy" cry, the "Mom I've shit out of my diaper" cry (sometimes he laughs uncontrollably too...), and the "Mom, I just chocked on my vomit" cry. Other times he just busts out with na na na na na na na na or wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh etc...some times there is even a ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma. Any who...I love how he acts when he gets over his sickie...just seems like he wants to do something when he feels better...then he decides to tease me and just do nothing most of the time. I've made him do a lot of standing in his stander lately seems to be helping some with the hip/leg tightness. I am very excited about going to Shriner's I hope they have some new ideas/ splints for him. I have been putting him in the gait trainer some to. No forward steps, but he will push himself backwards across the room when he feels like it. Sad to watch the videos from 6 months or so ago when he was taking steps forward...then he got sick and stopped :-(

I have all these short videos of my children from my phone...I need to put them all together on a dvd like I did Logan's I seriously have nothing outside of what I have on my phone of my children. I need to make a video of the boys from birth until now and Ava too...I made 1 for Ava up to 18 months. Logan has 1 for his 6 1/2 months, but the boys have nothing no pictures no videos to document their babyhood lol I need to get on it. This blog is the only "baby book" they will ever have :-) besides the 3 empty unopened ones in my closet.

Ava has her 1st Ballet Recital tomorrow. She is so silly. She is definitely not one with great coordination...I think she will even drive like me YIKES!!!! They had their dress rehearsal today. She was to busy waving at me while she was on stage and making up her own dance moves then doing the dance she was suppose to do. She was still cute though.

I meet with the funeral home people tomorrow morning at 1030. I will be attempting to buy 3 more grave plots next to Logan. I need to buy them before someone else dose. I guess they take interest free payments. Not sure how it all works..but I guess I will know tomorrow. I am buying plots for Me, Jack, and Jacob. I am told they are $1095 each. So $3300 for some dead people land...guess that is not a bad price for you eternal earthy resting place for our bodies. Hopefully "We" will all make it to heaven one day...and hopefully I will not have to use those plots of land for a very long time.

Tomorrow is going to be very busy...1. buy graves 2. drive to Jacob's therapy in Orlando by 2pm 3. Go to Ava's ballet thing at 7:30. Full day before another long weekend of work.

I read a very sad story today. Brought back so many raw memories of how I felt after Logan died. The thoughts about What to do with the triplet stroller, the extra car seat, the crib, calling your triplets twins etc...after Logan died. I pray that God gives this mother peace as he did me. A fellow triplet mom @ Three Times The Fun is going through the worst time of her life. Many of her post seem so similar to what I wrote when Logan was dying. He faith and strength has been amazing. Her little boy made it home. He was happy and healthy with his brothers...He was found unresponsive in his crib last Saturday. SIDS?? maybe? He was 6 months old. they brought him back, but it was to late. He had massive brain damage. They are currently going through the process of declaring him brain dead...they are doing this so they can take the living parts of their son and donate his organs to help save other children. This has to be so hard to make these decisions. I would have donated any part of Logan I could have in an instant, but he was so sick and his body was so polluted by suspected infection, CO2 etc that it was not an option. Her blog has a link to a donation page for anyone that wants to help. Her son's body is still mechanically alive tonight with machines. Please pray for little Owen and his family that God work his will with this family and hopefully save the lives of many others.

On a happier note here are some pictures of my kids from today :-)
My baby after her ballet practice

Jacob: I'm sleeping and you can't see me!

He still looks like monster even when he sleeps. :-)

Friday, May 20, 2011

Sickness, Baby Blues, Black MOLD, and lots of Multiples!

***For those that don't like to read my sad posts....this is not one of them. Feel free to read on. LOL :-)***

Well, we might have hit an all time record for NOT going to the primary we had to just break down and ruin the streak. The kids have had runny noses for 2 weeks now. Jacob has done really well considering the coughing etc...he has had a few vomiting episodes but nothing like what he was doing before. The verdict is 1. Ava has an ear infection and a viral stomach bug. She is 42lbs...7lbs over weight :-/ 2. Andrew has a sinus infection. I was worried he was getting pink eye vs. him having a sinus infection due to drainage from his eyes crusting closed. He is 25lbs 12oz. Jacob has his usually upper respiratory drainage etc. He is on antibiotics just for fun I suppose...though he is probably totally resistant to them at this point. He is 24lbs 15oz. My 3 babies will be on amoxicillin for the next 10 days.

Thanks to all the new moms with their tiny babies on my friends list on facebook it has lead to my monthly longing or another this is my monthly pep-talk to encourage myself from refraining from this urge LOL. The little voice in my head says "Jennifer lets stop taking you birth control pills this is okay the babies are almost 2." Then the other other voice says. "No, No, No Jennifer. Enjoy the babies you already have. Remember babies don't stay cute and little forever...they get big, they BITE, puke, and cry when you try to sleep..not to mention the whole breastfeeding thing! Plus you already paid for you birth control pills for next month." Thank you Other Other voice...Jennifer will continue to take her little blue pills. 10pm every night!...maybe next month LOL I will just jealously look at all my friends babies pictures..until the right time comes.

My sister just informed me that she discovered an entire wall in her house between her son's bedroom and the bathroom is covered in BLACK MOLD! My kids were scheduled for their bi-weekly visit to Aunt Fiki's house so my husband and I could work. Now Jack has to go into work late so my sister can take care of her black mold tomorrow and finish demoing her wall. She is having someone come out and spray the spots that can not be removed. this a sign that my kids always get sick and something always seems to go wrong when I need to go to work. I wish my husband had better health insurance so I could just quite...oh and a raise :-)

Christine is suppose to start her chemo on Monday. Praying she does not get sick with all the sickness between my kids and hers. I will feel like it is my fault is she can't do chemo 2 months in a row. Oh and I am suppose to cook healthy for her and make her drink lots of water next week. wish me luck.

I determined that our kids' pediatrician sees A LOT of multiples. Seems like there is always a set of twins in there. Today a lone we walked in with our 2 babies. There was a set of 4 year old triplets, and another set of twins in the waiting room all waiting to see her. She must be the multiple babies whisperer LOL

This brings me to today's other story. As we are sitting in the doctors office. I see a grandma sitting in the waiting room with the 4 year old triplets mentioned above...she sees me and the double stroller. I guess she did not see who was in the stroller (Ava and Jacob)..Andrew was running around the waiting room like a wild animal. I asked her referring to the children with her, "Are they all the same age?" She replies in delight.."Yes, they are triplets. There mom is in the back with the doctor with the baby." She takes note of the stroller and asks, "Do you have twins." I reply..I have 2 babies and a 3 year old. The babies were triplets, but we lost their brother in the NICU when he was 6 months old." She apparently got excited by the word triplet...and missed the rest of that statement. She gets up to come look in the stroller. She leans over and looks she sees Ava at 42lb and Jacob at 24lbs and says, "These 3 are triplets?" LMBO!!! Wow either Ava is a really big fat 22 month old or the boys are really small for their age. I explain again what I said before. So her attitude changes..she looks uncomfortable. I get the "I'm sorry" and she sat back down. I wish people did not automatically feel so uncomfortable when I tell them about my children..God forbid I did not even mention Jacob's issues. I'm sure she felt uncomfortable since she had 3 healthy 4 year olds sitting next to her. I am proud of all my children. I think it is totally awesome that my husband and I made 3 humans at once..on ACCIDENT! I love talking about all 4 of my children. I am not an emotional wreck (most of the time) that breaks down from hearing my son's name. Logan. Logan. Logan. I like telling their story they are amazing and so is their I think before I tell anyone..I will make a statement..."Please don't feel sorry for is okay, really"

COUPONS! I love coupons. Just this week I spent $62 and saved just over $144. I have been doing coupons for 2-3 months now. I have easily been saving nearly 50% or more most of the time. I love bragging about it. I post all my receipts on facebook LOL

Monday, May 9, 2011

Confessions of a Sad Heart

Belated Happy Mother's Day to all the moms with their babies and to all the moms who's babies are in Heaven. I hope everyone had a great day. I spent my Mother's Day at work in the crappiest area in the ER to work! My hubby did his usual cheap sweetness..which I totally love! I woke up to find a lunch box on my night stand with an ice pack in it. Under the ice pack I found a KING SIZE Snicker bar, Rolos, and a 20 oz Mellow Yellow. (totally nutritious breakfast) On the outside pocket of the lunch box was a $5 and $1 scratch off lotto ticket (won back the $5 on the $5 ticket lol) and Happy Mother's Day written on a napkin. LOL I absolutely love his "gifts" like this. They are way more special to me than an expensive gift and a store bought card...which I will throw away anyway. Thanks Jack for making me feel special on my way to work yesterday. I also got a hand made card Ava made a school from Ava on Thursday.

I don't remember feeling sad last year on Mother's Day. I swear. I read all of these blog from other moms with new and old grief and it brings up all kinds of new and raw feelings I did not know I had. So of course I have been missing Logan like crazy all week. I have a weird kinda way of dealing with it. When the boys were born I was given these blue and white stripped rag angel doll things for me to put my "stink" on. You are suppose to sleep with them put them in your bra etc to get your smell on them so they can be place in the isolete with the baby as a bonding thing. So the baby know your smell. So I slept with them and smelled them up and gave them to my babies while they fought to live. The older they got in the NICU the less they used them and then they eventually made it to rarely opened drawer in my bedroom. It wasn't until a few months ago that I discovered these dolls again. They have probably been in the drawer since before Logan passed over a year ago. I pulled them out of the drawer awhile ago and put them on my night stand. 1 night I was feeling particularly sad and Jack was still at work. So, I reach over and grabbed all 3 of my "babies" Each baby had either an L, A,or J to represent which baby they belonged to. When I put all 3 of the heads together and shove them down my shirt like I used to when they were 1st born it brings back feelings of warmth and happiness like I felt when I knew all my babies were still with me. I know they were not healthy at the time, but just knowing they were alive gave me comfort. The feeling of "the babies" heads against my heart brought back the feeling of the last moments I had with Logan. His tiny 9 lb body pressed against my chest. I clung to him with every emotion in my body before I had to say goodbye. How my arms long to feel him against my chest again. Just to rock and hold him one last time. To kiss his head while his body was still warm and his heart was still beating against mine. So my "dolls" are special to me. Even though they bring back lots of good and bad memories. I love them and I find myself clinging to them for comfort when I sleep at night like a child would with their favorite blanket.

I found out Friday night around 1120pm my Grandma Dixie passed away. My dad was adopted and his mother who raised him died in 2004. I miss you everyday Grandma Keigans! I was not that close with my Grandma Dixie. I used to hold grudges that really were none of my business about the life choices she made. She had 5 children. Her mother raised her 2 oldest children while she gave her younger 3 up for adoption. I think my dad was 3 when my grandma adopted him. I was not standing in her shoes when she had to make this decision. I was a kid when I found out this and to me I was like this is horrible! Being a mother now, I can relate that she was probably doing what was best for her children. Then I think about God's plan. I think of how I would have never known my Grandma Keigans if my Grandma Dixie did not make this decision. My Grandma Keigans was the one who used to drag us to church every Sunday while we kicked and screamed not to go. It was her and Christ Memorial Baptist Church that initially told me and filled my heart with God's Word. It was her that taught me about church, prayer, and Jesus. Yes my parents told use "Don't have sex before you are married", "Do not steal", etc as well. It was my grandmother and her church that drove it home and into my heart. I got my 1st bible from church with my grandmother. I still have that bible. :-) So without my Grandma Dixie's decisions this part of my life would not have taken place like it did. I was pretty stupid and harbored a lot of ill feelings toward certain people in my life until about a year ago after my son died. When God really spoke to me about forgiveness. Well I forgave my Grandma Dixie for things she had sad that hurt me and for things that were really none of my business that I probably did not know the full story about anyway...since I would never talk to her. She used to call and I would ignore her phone calls. (you would be stuck on the phone FORVER) When we did speak we had pleasant conversations. She did crafts and she made us blankets and pillows. She cared and I pushed her away. Eventually she stopped calling. I know I hurt her feelings and I am sorry I did. Last time I recall seeing her was at Logan's funeral. I remember her driving her electric wheel chair up to Logan's coffin trying to see him. She wanted to see him and remember him because she never got to meet him. At the time this annoyed me because she was not my favorite person. Now it touches my heart that she cared. She loved me and my son enough to show up and be there even though she knew I was pushing her away. Though my stubbornness I never did pick up the phone and call her. To let her know that I really did not hate her and that in fact I did love her even though she annoyed me. She was so proud of me to. She used to tell everyone she came in contact with in the emergency room that I worked there. It was known by my co-workers that if she was ever there while I was working and she asked for me for them to say they did not know me or I was not working today. I suck! I knew I would feel this if I never talked to her before "something bad happened."

Back to what happened...Well Grandma Dixie delivers flowers on busy holidays. She can't do it alone because of her medical issues. She dropped my niece off at my sister's house Friday night after 10pm. She had helped deliver the flowers on Friday. Apparently my grandma then drove a few miles down the road to my Aunt's house. My Cousin lives there and he was to deliver flowers with her on Saturday. She drove over there to make sure he was going to go still. She had been complaining about her legs hurting her really bad all day Friday. My cousin says she was acting right when she left their house..probably thought she was tired since it was so late. She leaves goes around the corner and next thing he knew she had been in an accident. She went off the road, hit a traffic sign, went into a drainage ditch and hit a concrete drainage thing. By the time the fire department got there and was gone. My cousin heard about the accident and ran down to see her. What horror it must have been for him to see her like that. There was an autopsy done on Saturday. They determined she had a stroke which caused the accident. My parents and sister will be here sometime this week. I have no word on when her service will be yet. She is being cremated. Well Grandma Dixie you definitely shocked us and went out with a bang...literally. You are missed by many and I'm sorry I never allowed myself to really know you. I pray you got to enter paradise on Friday. Hug my son for me.

Everything else here is okay. Surprisingly life with 10 people in the house has not been horrible. I am enjoying my friend and her family being here. They seem happy over all. I know they would rather have their own place, but I am glad they are here. I love her and her family so much I want to see them happy.

Monday, May 2, 2011

lots of Changes

We have had a lot of changes in our house in the past week. Last Monday my friend Christine sent me a message asking me if the invitation for her and her family to move in was still open. I had told her weeks before that she could. She decided it would be best for her family to leave her dad's house. So, unfortunately her and her father did not get to leave each other on the best terms, but they moved in Monday night. Last week there were a lot of adjustments and moving things around. Christine's kid had been living with her sister for several weeks. So, the 1st 4 night she was here it was just her and her husband. Thursday we got a great deal on a bed for her and bunk beds to put in the kids room. I feel better knowing that everyone has their own bed now. Her kids didn't even have a bed when they were at her dad's. Feels good knowing everyone has their own space now.

The babies are in my room now. The kids are in Ava's room, and Christine and Alex have their own room now. Her kids came on Friday. The weekend went by smooth. Her kids and Ava are at war. LOL Ava is a spoiled brat and is bossy and hits the other kids. It has been crazy trying to get the kids to bed at night. Hopefully the next couple of weeks will allow a routine good routine to develop.

Jacob is doing very well. The month of April, Jacob only vomited 4 times. I think I will move forward with starting him on "real food" now. I am about to search the Internet for recipes for mixing food for him.

Andrew walks everywhere now. He hardly crawls at all anymore. He is a terror.

Nothing new with Ava. Just her adjusting to having 3 more kids in the house.

I am getting a 2nd option with another ENT for Jacob. I missed his appointment today. I have to reschedule it. I am also waiting for an appointment for Jacob to see a physical medicine doctor regarding his muscle tone. The neurologist wants to switch him to baclaphin and take him off the klonipine. The physical therapist told me today that I need to have a referral made to orthopedist for his hips.

Prayers for Christine and her family please. She missed her chemo this month because she was sick. Good news is that her tumor is stable and has not grown in the last 2 months!