Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Letters to God

So, I watched the movie "Letters to God" back when it 1st came out in the movie theater. It is definitely a tear jerkier. I think it might have been just after Logan died, but I am not sure exactly when I seen it. The 1st time I watched it, it was more just because it talked about Arnold Palmer Hospital and had shots of Winnie Palmer Hospital in it. It was touching, but kinda went on the back burner from there. I watched it on Netflix with Jack tonight...I think he has been traumatised. For him it brought up some really raw emotions.

Now that I have had a little more than a year to grieve and attempt to heal from my own heart breaking life circumstance. I kinda feel like I am a bystander of everyone else I know going through their own storm. I find myself still grieving for Jacob. I have had myself in some kind of nasty funk lately. Not caring about my finances and spending habits, not cleaning the house, not taking as good of care of myself as I should, having a pretty crappy attitude and mouth lately, short tempered, lazy, negative...I can go on and on. I am watching myself self distrust in the mirror every day. I'm up 20lbs! I gained that FAST! Just a while ago I was down 10lbs. *Sigh* My mind and body are screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING", but my will-power/desire for instant gratification continues to sit on my butt all day and eat lots of take out and fast food.

It has really been on my heart lately that it is time for a change. It is time to let go of these feelings of self pity, and jealousy of everyone else's healthy children. Where I used to touchier myself reading blogs that other mom's have started about their own triplet actually hurt to see the "positive outcomes." Now I find myself praying (which I have not enjoyed doing lately) for these woman I don't even know. I am praying they all make it to at least 35 weeks. 1 lady is only 3 weeks away! Which just reminded me. There is a lady that lives locally that only recently found out she is having triplets should have delivered today. I must text her to see how everything is tomorrow. :-)

Back to my point of writing this blog...remember how I posted a few post ago about faith...
"if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

This very verse is mentioned in the movie "Letters to God." At that moment when I heard them mention about the mustard seed and the mom went off about her lack of faith at that moment...I realized I know what she is talking about. I am there. I am sitting in a pit of self pity and I see how it is effecting my children, now even as they don't really have any clue what is going on in my head. They hear my screaming, not so nice choice words, my lack of wanting to play and enjoy my kids. I got off my fat butt today and the day before and actually sat on the floor and worked with Jacob. I know that if I spent more time doing this he would probably be doing more, but I literally have not been able to mentally at least. I have felt like I just can't do it. It hurts just to get up. So, I forced myself to do it and I actually enjoyed seeing him pull himself up off the floor. Hearing him laugh and watching him trying to turn over himself. I have put Jacob and myself on a schedule. He has exact times he eats now and I have a wake up time in the morning (now I need to work on that whole bed time thing). After 28 days it is a habit right? LOL

WAKE UP! 7:10am...or 7:20 after a snooze LOL Jacob gets his meds at 7:30 and he eats at 8am...the next feed is 1pm, then 5, and then 10pm He has tolerated this very well.

I have been thinking a lot about cancer lately. I am trying to currently overcome my nightmares about my children getting cancer. I am totally crazy. Sometimes this blog reading is not such a good idea for someone with some self diagnosed post traumatic stress syndrome. At the same time I think it is good for me. I realize that I am defiantly not the only one who's life has been turned upside down by tragedy, illness, or disability. I'm not even the only one in my circle of friend that has experienced a great loss. I am still the only one who has a disabled child. I'm sure God will place the right friend/person in my life one day that I can relate with. Maybe I will be ambitious and start a local support group for special needs kids one day. That is something really on my heart lately, I just don't know how to go about it.

So my friend's cancer is what has really rocked my world lately. I feel like I am sitting back in the world of uncertainty like I was in with Logan and still kinda in with Jacob. I am really trying to pray for healing, but I understand if it does not happen. I feel like if something bad happens I will feel...with no other words to put it as...let down. *Sigh* Working on this....anyways she tells me she is having a few good days lately. She has had a few pain free days, but her nights have not been so pleasant. She is on her 2nd day of chemo. She is still having some issues at home, but says things are getting better. I took her some cloths today and some lotions, and sprays donated by a friend. She was very grateful. I will be giving her some money donated to her on Thursday. Kinda sucks I have to wait for it to hit my account then pull out the cash and give it to her. I think I need to look and see if I can add her checking account so I can put any donations directly in her account since it takes 3-5 days for them to transfer the money.

So to conclude my blog. Anyone that has not seen "Letter's to God" should see it. It shows sad outcomes, but also show answered prayers and many cancer survivors who were told would not make it. Show how people like Logan, and all the other people God hand picked in this world, that may or may not live until their 90 are hear to spread God's word and show that he is a loving and forgiving God. That he DOES heal even if it is not in the ways we want him to. That he is where are hearts should be for our own salvation, peace and comfort.

1 comment:

  1. Your story has touched my heart. I'm so sorry for all of the troubles sent your way, but I'm glad that you have found strength in your faith and in your children. They have a caring mother who tries as hard as she can!