"if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20
I was reading another mom's blog tonight and this is the passage she had. Faith is all I have anymore...because I really don't know how much more of Jacob's sickness me or him can take at this point. There never seems to be an end in sight and no one wants to help him! I want to have a panic attact just thinking about it as I had to jump from my chair midtyping a few seconds ago to make sure he was not aspirating his vomit as he was gagging in his sleep! I really just want to punch the GI doctor in her face for making him have to go through this for so long. I guess it is my own fault to for not letting them do a j-tube. I just really don't want that for him or me to be honest.
Depression has sure been hitting home today. I never thought I would be such a nut case. I literally cried for like an hour today because I could not get anyone to accompany me to Backyard Aventure with Ava today. I asked like 10 people I think before I gave up. Though locgically I don't expect people to drop what they are doing and change their plans to hang out with me last minute...my crazy out of control hormones and crazy mood swings was horribly affends and my feelings were hurt. It embarrasses me to even write that, but I figured if I don't let my feeling out, I will be the next phych patient. It even hurts my feels when some of my so called "good friends" and my MOTHER won't read my blog because "it is depressing." Sorry my feeling are to "depressing" for you to read about! Heck, pretty much anything hurts my feelings these days.
I read so many other people's blogs who are going through worse things than I am at the moment...like little kids with cancer. Then I think to myself why am I just swimming in my own pity party over here in Jennifer land. I really can't help it anymore. I'm done. I'm Done. I'M DONE! 2 years of neverending stress has gotten to me. I am beyond my breaking point. I AM BROKEN. I used to look at the good and positive in everything. I used to be optomistc. I used to be greatful. I used to believe in the power of prayer. I guess the enemy has really gotten to me this time. All I can think of is What's the point? I was discussing this with a friend today who has had a loss. She told me she finds herself questioning her faith. I told her. I don't question my faith. Without faith and hope there is nothing. Without faith in knowing there is a loving God waiting for us when we are done on this earth..why go on? Why do good and love one another? What would it matter? So I still have faith. I have an undying love for our Lord. I have faith that I will see him one day, and that I will see my son again one day. I do believe in everyone having a purpose. I know I am needed here for my children. Where I have lost my faith is in prayer. I know this sounds horrible, but my heart is so heavy right now. I think of how I prayed so hard for Logan and he never got better. I had the world praying for Logan...well atleast the facebook and blog world. I once asked a friend if God has already predetermined what your purpose on earth is and God's will to be done, that what does prayer do? I can't really put into words what she told me, but she explained why we pray. I think I may need that explantion again. Because I find myself having a hard time praying for healing for anyone anymore. I can ask for forgiveness all day and night, but healing I just can't anymore. God did not heal Logan. His will was done and Logan left. Not that I think Jacob is dying, but I prayed and I prayed for something ANYTHING to help him and hear I am standing in the middle of the storm, correction: laying feeling defeated on my face in this storm as negativety, sickness, and hopelessness now swarms around me. My heart knows I need to stand stong, pray, and trust in God. I could really just use a ray of light at this point. I need happiness again. Though I see his blessings all around me and I am greatful. I just want to see my children healthy. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!
On a more posative note...I guess...I took both boys to the doctor this morning for their now 2 weeks of sickness and Jacob's follow up from his ER visit. Andrew has a double ear infection. Jacob's ears look fine now, but his lungs still sound like crap. He is now back on steroids...I hope they help. Andrew is on his 1st antibiotic since 2009. It would be great if Jacob had that track record :-/
Ava was well behaved at school all week, so I kept my promise and took her to her favorite place Backyard Adventure. So after my pity party about having to sit up their by myself...I ended up helping out a friend and picked up Ava's friend Savanna and took them both to Backyard Adventure. Then Jack's dad ended up meeting me up their with a box of diapers and a small blessing that is now allowing my to get Jacob's Charley Wrap! Thank You so much Linda and Jerry. You are the best in-laws a girl could ask for and the best grandparents any kid could have either. Thank You for loving my family so much. You have always been there for us!.Love you!