Friday, June 25, 2010

Jacob is finally getting better!...don't read the end of the blog it is sick and depressing. I forwarn you!

Today has been a MUCH better day. Mommy and baby both woke up in a better mood. We did not get to go home today. I think he needed this extra day. I found out that he probably won't get to go home tomorrow either. I'll get to that though. The Ativan did wonders for him yesterday. Just letting him get rest was all he needed. This morning Dr. Winesett told me he could not go home because he had a fever last night and they had to figure out why. She was aware that I was sick and had a fever as well. I'm feeling a lot better. Throat hardly hurts at all and the anxiety feeling is almost gone. So, this morning (around 630am) they attempted to start and IV, but only got blood and they got a urine sample from him. Later around 10am. Jack and I went to get my prescriptions from Target. The nurse tried to feed him the Pediasure and he would not eat it. So the nurse tube fed him and got his IV in. When we got back she told us she did all of this and that she gave him a dose of Ativan because he was very angry. He was sleeping when we got back. I finally got my way. I got the doctor to take him off the stupid pediasure and allow him to have his Enfacare back. They also took him off the night time feeding. He is now allowed to have 4 8oz feedings a day. I fed him 4oz by mouth around 3pm then he fell asleep and I tube fed the rest. He did not want to eat again until almost 9pm once again he at 4oz and went to sleep. So we tube fed the rest. He has required no pain medication, and has had no fever today. They did do a test to check peg-tube placement which was where it should be. They did another cath urine on him. They did a strep culture, a nose viral culture. They put him on isolation until they rule out contagious stuff like RSV. He did have a white blood cell count of 21.4 The normal high number is either 10 or 12 can't quite remember. So the WBC being that high shows something is going on. around 8pm tonight he had a chest x-ray done. Have not got the results back.  The pediatrician is the one that said we can't go home until all results are back including the blood cultures they did this morning. They take 2 days. The pediatrician changed his antibiotic today as well. He is back to his normal fussy. He is still sore. When you move him around he cries and stiffens up, but relaxes in a few minutes later. He went to sleep on his own tonight without the aid of drugs. Not sure if I wrote that already. Getting SLEEEEEPY. I miss my Ava and Andrew. My sister should have them by now. Jill kept them all week. If they keep Jacob again tomorrow I will miss work on Saturday. :-( Can't afford missing all these days. Oh I forgot to mention Jacob is finally over 18lbs I know all scales are different but last Wednesday he was exactly 18lbs at Dr. Velez's office. Today on the hospital scale he was 18lbs 6oz YEA!!!!

My sister is closing on her house tomorrow. YEA! She gets to be RICH just for a little while.

I am continue to try and praise God through all things even when it gets hard. Once more I know there is nothing he will give us that Jack and I can't handle. I just wonder when this storm is going to end. The past year of our life has been full of many peaks and valleys. I am ready for a little sunny weather for a while and for the storm to be over. This passed week just brought up a lot of hard memories of Logan. Staring at Jacob reminds me so much of all the pain Logan endured during his short life. Me seeing the pain Jacob has been in and the hours I spent comforting him and being at his side 24hrs a day has made me feel guilty for not being with Logan like that through his pain and suffering. It has also made me realize how much he REALLY suffered. Makes me feel even guiltier. I think about all the lonely hours he spent in that dark room by himself. He did not have the voice to vocalize himself like Jacob does. I know he had a lot of caring nurses who were by his side and comforted him, but what about those days and nights when his primaries were not there and he had crap nurses. There were many days of crap nurses too. I can't change the passed, I find it hard to let go still. I know he is at peace in God's loving arms now with all the other children who lives ended short. God, I love him so much. I miss him dearly. Jacob's face looks so much like him especially when he is in pain. It is sad that I seen more of his painful expression than peaceful ones. I am grateful he now has an eternity of peace now. I still long to hold him. When I visit his grave it takes all I can not to lay face down on the ground just to be closer to his body even though I know his spirt is gone. Which brings up all kinds of sick new thoughts that I wish would never cross my mind. Watching to much discovery health has corrupted my mind. When he died I could not bear to burn his body. I almost wish I would have so his body would have been close to me all the time. Now I have the haunting thoughts in my head about him decomposing in the ground. I sickly wonder what he looks like down there now. Does he even have skin anymore or is he just bones now. Does he still have the cross in his hand Melissa's son gave to him? How long until there is nothing left but bones. I think about his skin rotting off and all kinda of nasty stuff that haunts me every Saturday that marks another week since he has been gone. What are we at now? 21 weeks and 5 days I think. It has almost been 5 months.  I wish these thoughts would just go away. God forbid I have to loose another loved one they are getting burned. Ashes to Ashes dust to dust. Then the only thought I have to think about is the smell of burning flesh which I don't have to smell so not to worry. Can't cremate Jack though he would find away to haunt me I'm sure. I don't want to be cremated either. I want the worms to eat me. I just don't want them to eat Logan. I want to remember him as my perfect little man forever. Not rotting flesh and bones in the ground. Now I have gotten myself into a horrible crying snotty mess. Sorry for grossing everyone else. Usually when I write it, it helps me get over it.

On a much happier not, which it always is when I discuss the happiest place on earth....I am excited to find out Disney is doing monthly payments. I look forward to the day when I can take all my kids to see Mickey Mouse and pay by the month :-)

I think I will attempt to sleep now. Maybe God will bless me with a wonderful peaceful dream tonight. I look forward to the day I have the honor to walk in the Kingdom of Heaven just to stand at God's feet. To forever worship him in peace. To hold my son again. To one day have my entire family with me. To have all 3 of my sons together. To see them all walking and free of sickness and disability. Maybe even the baby I lost when I had a miscarriage before my last pregnancy will be there too. Not quite sure how that all works. All I know is that God is perfect. He is loving. When I get there I will feel no anguish no sorrow and I Will be unaware of all the stuff on earth. There will be no hate or anger. What a wonderful place to strive to go. I have to remind myself often of this wonderful place God created for us when I struggle with my faith and get caught up in my own sorrow. I have never lost my faith. I have never felt angry with God. I am definitely questioning our perfect God the more I watch my son struggle. I try to think positive. That God gave this special child to me to give him extra love and to make his life extra special. I tried my best with Logan, but somehow feel that I fell short. I don't know if I even make since but I think I will stop rambling now. I can't wait to go home and hold all my babies in my bed. I miss my fat man Andrew and My Angel Ava. She cries when I talk to her on the phone and it breaks my heart.

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