Saturday, June 19, 2010

I'm having a hard time today......

So we are coming close to the 1 year mark as of yesterday. My babies are 11 months old. I've planned on having my blog published into a hard cover book for my keepsake and one for each of the boys. So I download the program for me to start editing what I want it to look like cover wise, pictures, etc. As I glanced over the 140 or so pages it will consist of thus far, I just read the title of each blog. I started to read the one that was titled "I'm scared" then the one announcing Logan's death. This hit me hard once again. Though I know his life was full of blessings before and after his death. My flesh is having a very hard time right now. 11 months and almost 5 months late, the praise and joy I have felt is not where is should be, but the fear and anger is boiling to the top. Not so much about Logan, but what Jacob is now having to endure. I don't know if I can go through this again. I cried like a baby last night. From going though the pictures and reading the blog to thinking about the new "hardware" Jacob will have. I am glad Jack was asleep. I went though all Logan's pictures again. I actually hugged this hug picture of Logan on the wall and cried up against the wall for awhile. Then cried myself to sleep. Man did I feel it this morning.

Jacob has me scared. I'm sure it is paranoid thoughts of a hypocondriac nurse. The fact that he has been on this new antibiotic for 3 days. His urine output is still very low. It is still dark. I have force fed him as mycg fluid as he would tolerate drinking. I think he drank less than 14oz yesterday. Today I talked to my sister while she was feeding him and she told me he at a little over 5oz, but he gagged for her the entire time. He has not been gagging for weeks! I know this feeding tube will be a good thing for him. This is the 1st time I have had a child go to surgery since the last 1 that Logan had...and he was dead less than a month later. I know that a feed tube did not kill Logan, but these are the thought that Jack has in his head and I stopped taking me medication!!!! I'm crazy I know. I started taking Lexapro a month or so give or take. I stopped taking it a week ago. Man I can tell the difference. I am anxious and emotional all over again. Sick to my stomach. Just miserable. The Lexapro made me so tired I could not stay awake to take care of my children. Oh well I have to get back to work now. I just needed to get these feelings off my chest so I could stop crying at work. :-)

1 comment:

  1. Hope that better days are around the corner for you and your family. My prayers are with you and your son.