Friday, September 3, 2010

A pleasent day

Today has been quite a nice day. I think after 2 months the antidepressant meds they are finally kicking in. I am starting to feel like my prekid self. I have the urge to get up and do something! I want to clean my house, I don't dread waking up in the morning. It does not bother me that it takes 2 hours to feed kids in the morning etc. Putting Ava in daycare/preschool 2 days a weeks has been a huge blessing. That has taken a lot of stress off me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I never realized how stressful my sweet toddler was. When she is at school I can put the babies down for a long nap or in the baby cage and actually get stuff done!.

Today I cleaned the surface dirt from Ava's landfill. I fixed the broken post on her bed that has been down for 7 or 8 months. The walls are still covered in crayon, the dressers need a scrubbing and the floor could use a deep carpet clean. I did throw away a ton of toys and put a bunch of junk to give away on craigs list in the garage. I pulled all her 3t cloths out of her closet and drawers and I am in the process of washing all her sheets and bedspreads. I want to paint. I think I am crazy. I hate painting. I'm finally sick of my house having filth. It is surface clean, but the walls are dirty the base boards are dirty. There is dust bunnies in the corners of the walls. I want everything to look new again!!!!

I don't know if I have mentioned this or not before, but I have finally come to terms with this decision and have stopped feeling so guilty about it. Jack and I decided to file Chapter 7 bankruptcy. We have already met with the lawyer and have most of the paper work filled out. I hope to have everything turned in on Monday. To get the process started. We have $30,000 give or take in medical and credit card debt. We have depleted our savings and Logan's life insurance money trying to get by and providing for our kids and ourselves. We probably could have sacrificed a little more and I probably should have put some of his life insurance money toward the evil credit card debt, but I could not make myself do it. I was so upset with the bastard card companies when I called them telling them my situation begging them to help. Lower my interest rate etc. No one was willing to help, because I was not behind on my payments. Only 1 card lowered my interest rate down 2% out of 8. I felt that God provided for us during some really hard financial times and I was able to keep all my bills current. I feel like I am letting him down by giving up. I have held the burden of my debt on my shoulders for years. A mounting debt that got out of hand and I was never able to pay down. I had no clue how much debt I had until we bought are house $1000 here and $2000 here don't sound so bad until you add the 8 cards together and realize they are $20,000+ combined. This is almost more than I make in a year, then to add in all the debt from myself from Winnie Palmer Hospital.  So I pay them. I canceled most. I pledged every income tax for the rest of my life to go to them until I paid them off, but every year something came up. Ava being born, saving to buy the house to get out of the house that was making us sick in a bad neighborhood,  being pregnant with the triplets and knowing I would need the money when I was off, plus medical co-pays. Then we thought Logan was coming home so we bought a van and used our last income tax to pay off the van and some evil debt. Then I used Logan's life insurance to pay off the rest of his headstone that the donations that we were so gratefully for did not cover. Then we decided to take out he nasty carpets to help with the babies and are own health. We paid off some debt. I helped support my mom when she was down while my grandpa was dying. Then we added a patio to the back of our house to make Jack happy. Like I said, that money was to make the pain a little less, to pay off the financial burden of having to bury a loved one. Then what was left we nickled and dimed it way from the savings account to pay everyday living cost due to the rise in interest rates on the evil credit cards and cost of living like the electric bill that doubled from last year :-(. Some of the minimum payments almost doubled. It has gotten to the point where I can no longer make more than minimum payments on the cards and there is not enough money to get by until the next pay check. We decided not to use credit cards anymore to make the difference where our income was lacking. To buy that tank of gas or the extra groceries need before payday. Thus the depletion of what savings we had. So now that we are on our last leg financially. I can no longer do this. I live with guilt that the debt is my fault from mindless spending, compulsive shopping, and just nonsense of living beyond my means. I feel horrible that I have pulled Jack down with me. I had such a bad spending problem after Ava was born, when the creditors stopped giving me cards I took them out in Jack's name. Anyone that know Jack know that Jack does not spend money. He walks holes threw his sock, and never asked for new ones, he wears cloths that don't fit right and have holes, I won't even mention his underwear lol wait I just did. :-) Anyway the point is now that I have wrote myself in circles. I screwed up. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I'm sick of having to rely on credit cards to buy things that cost more than $100. I'm ready to save. I want to be able to pay for car repair, home repair etc on my own and be debt free. I want to go on a vacation without the guilt of knowing my credit card payments will be going up from having to use them to pay for the trip. Oh well. Tomorrow will be the start of the bill collectors  I guess. I will miss my 1st credit card payment tomorrow. All I have to say I have learned my lesson. Only buy what I can afford. DON'T BUY NOW PAY LATER. When someone close to me is in need I want to be able to help like others have helped me with worrying if I am going to have enough money to get to the next pay day. Not that I haven't before, but what ends up happening I gave money away and then I have to use credit cards to buy gas etc :-( Oh well enough of that.

I will also be able to actually afford Ava's day care. Jack's parents have very generously pledged $2000 toward her school. So I won't have to pay until around March. They offer a ballet class at Ava's school. It is only on Tuesday and she really wants to do it. What sucks is i wanted to put her in Monday, Wednesday, Friday, but ballet is only Tuesdays. So, I have to stick to 2 days or put her in full time. $120 a week is a crazy amount of money to spend for daycare/preschool. When I am home all week. So, we will just stick to 2 days. I think she would have enjoyed 3 days, but I don't think she is ready for 5. 5 days will start next year with VPK.

Still have not got Jacob's glasses. Hoping they will come in tomorrow. I read an article awhile back about a lady who's husband was very ill from a stoke, but don't quote me on that. The point is he was solely tube fed with liquid nutrition. This is adult formula he was on is suppose to provide all his nutritional needs. Per the wife her husband was withering away from starvation no matter how much formula they pumped in him. He suffered from unhealing pressure sores and was so weak and sick he was on the verge of death. So the wife decided he needed REAL food so she bought a ton of baby food. Fruits, Veggies and meats. They were stage 2 and the diluted them to a more liquid consistency and began feeding him this REAL food through this peg tube along with the formula. She reported that after a few months the unhealing wounds healed and he gained his strengh back and was no longer on the verge of death.

The point behind me telling this story is. Jacob is doing so wonderful eating his baby food. Fruits and veggie wise. I still have to make a noise to get him to open his mouth, shove the spoon in, then shove the pacifier in to avoid him from tonguing it out, and the make another noise to make his suck and swallow. This is promising in hopes he will learn to eat from a spoon again. Once he is able to eat from a spoon well, I will attempt stage 3 baby food with more texture. He ate 3 jars of food for me today. He will not eat the meats. I really think he could use the extra protein. So once again the point behind the story is that I think I am going to dilute the pureed meat more and feed him at least 1 2oz jar of meat a day. The stuff smells like dog food I would not eat it either. Makes me gag just to smell it. Jacob gets sores easily, just wearing his hand mittens, AFO's on his legs, or simply sitting in his car seat cause him to develop wounds. He actually got a wound from rubbing his leg on the strap in the car seat. The last scabbed wound from him rubbing his leg on the AFO with his knee brace he is suppose to wear took a month to heal. I'm hoping with some protein his ability to heal will be better. So I diluted the chicken and gravy, gagged a little and pulled 2oz into a big syringe and very slowly over about 10 minutes pushed it through the g-tube. then I flushed with another ounce or so of water. I am going to try and do this daily until he learns to eat some more foods with meat. I think they make some stage 2 food with meat. Next visit to the store I will look for some. :-)

Jacob starts HBOT on Tuesday. He is still taking very tiny steps in his walker. Andrew is a monster. He has gotten the hang of his walker. He literally runs circles around Jacob in his walker. He has learned to move all directions and get where he wants to go. He pull up in his crib now. I officially lowered his crib today so he don't tumble out. I love all of my children so much. Ava is enjoying school. She says things that surprise me all the time. So in closing I will share a few Ava quotes with you.

I get a package in the mail. Ava decides to open it. The package contains so cloths I ordered online because I am to fat to buy non granny cloths in the store. She pulls out a pair of leggings and hold them up to her. She says"Mommy these are your pants." Then she says, "Mommy these pants are Sexxxxyyyy." While she is saying sexy she thrust her hips in a circular motion. My sister and determined that his is Tricia's boyfriend
s fault. Thanks Israel!

Ava sits up on the couch after her TV show Olivia went to commercial and informs me. "Mommy, I'm Ava." then she pauses and informs me "I'm not a boy, I'm not a baby. I'm a girl. I'm a big girl. I'm Ava." She says this with a very serious look on her face like I did something wrong to her. LOL I was not even talking.

Here is another facebook story from August 18th LOL
Ava just runs over to me and informs me she has popcorn stuck up her nose. I told her to cover the other side and blow it out. She does this several times, gets the popcorn out of her nose. Now it is on her snot filled finger as she says "look mom" and proceeds to eat it!!!! I can't tell you how many times I have told her this is bad.

Until later God Bless :-)

Andrew and Jacob playing in their walkers.

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