Sunday, February 7, 2010

1 weeks and 1 day

It has been a week and a day since Logan went to be with God. It does not seem real to me yet. I feel like I am on a vacation of some sort since I have not had to drive back and forth from the NICU everyday. I went to his grave site yesterday and even sitting there I'm not sure how much of it has sunk in yet. I am sure this is because the peace I feel with where he is at. I don't know what to think. Should I be more upset than I am? I have very brief upset moments that only last a few minutes, but overall I am rejoyceful that God has delivered Logan from the suffering he endured here on earth and brought him home. I am sad when I look at Jacob just the right way. I see Logan. Jacob has Logan's eyes. I panicked this morning at the thought that I feel like my brain is forgetting what Logan was like and how he acted, how sweet he was, and what a brave fighting personality he had. I know I have pictures and videos to remind me of my sweet child that moved mountains in peoples' hearts in a mere 6 months. I think if I actually took the time to look at all his pictures and reread my blogs it would really hit me. I'm not ready for that. Keeping myself busy and focusing on my family has kept my mind off of everything. He is always in the back of my mind he is the 1st thing that pops up on my cell phone when I look at it (which is often lol)God, I love him and miss him! 2nd time since Logan has died, I had someone go "Oh twins, How sweet." So, today I corrected the lady when she said are all these kids yours? Look twins. So I said, "No they are actually triplets and Ava is 2. Then she looks around at the car seats and goes "where is the 3rd one." I could not bring myself to tell the lady he was dead. So I just said he not with us right now.

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