3 weeks 2 days

I went back to work this weekend. I had so much anxiety I thought I was going to throw up when I walked through the doors. Almost everyone knows why I was gone, and I was not looking forward to getting those "I feel sorry for you" looks and "I don't know what to say" comments. I know it is awkward and people want to say something to show they care. Oh well, I got though it and after the first few hours I was okay. The end of shift on Saturday I was given a gift from all my co-workers. It was so pretty it made me cry. I hate crying in front of people. They ordered a very nice wind chime with an angel at the bottom of it with his name on it. It was very touching and wonderful to know that people care enough about me and my family to go out of their way for us. I still have people sending us cards and gifts. Our grand total on the Memorial fund is $1,170 THAT IS AMAZING! His headstone was $2,550 so we are very close to meeting the pay off amount when it comes in. I paid for the 1st half of the headstone on my EVIL credit card, that was not so evil when I really needed it!. Thank you everyone who has blessed my family!

Jacob was suppose to go for some test over night in the hospital today, but I called and talk with the doctor and canceled it until he is feeling better. all 3 kids are sick again. Jacob is congested with a nasty cough again and the doctor and I agreed that it is best to way so we do not have false positive test results.

I just got off the phone with the kids' pediatrician about Ava. I was told on Friday that her blood works had crystoids or something in it, that is a sign of parasites, but her stool sample was negative. She has been sick on and off with this really infected smelling diarrhea for well over a month with vomiting and abdominal pain. She gets better then worse every few days. So because the blood work is showing that she may have some kind of parasite even though the poop does not, they are going to put her on a 3 day course of an antiparasitic anyway. She is on a good day today. Last night she told me her tummy hurt, but no vomit and she poop on the carpet this morning and it was formed! Yes, she think she can poop on the carpet like a dog or something she wakes up before me every morning and does it!

Babies are starting to cry again, I get to feed both by myself this feeding so I better get busy. Ava is barking in the hall pretending she is a dog and eating scooby snacks.

2 many appointments to remember and a really long blog today. Has results of the boys appts from yesterday.

Yesterday was a big appointment day. Jacob has a GI appointment in Orlando at 9am which I had the pleasure of taking him to with a sick toddler. Jack took Andrew to his audiology appointment at 9:50.

Jacob has to be admitted to Arnold Palmer Hospital for Children on Monday to under go a 24 hour study with a tube down his nose that has some kind of sensor on it that is suppose to measure acid levels to see if he is having sever reflux or not. (The purpose of this is to figure out why Jacob scream all day and arches himself back like he is in pain) Then Tuesday morning he is going to have a swallow evaluation to see if he is aspirating any of his food into his lungs. He struggles when he eats and gags alot. If he is aspirating he will need a G-tube to prevent lung damage and infection. :-( I really hope this is not the case. Just gives me flash backs of Logan. I changed him back to a slow flow nipple and have been thickening his milk with cereal and he is eating much better and on gags toward the end of his feeding when he gets tired and full. They are also concern that some times he takes up to an hour to finish his bottle. Trying to stay positive and pray they don't see aspiration!

Andrew appointment did not give us any real answers just confirmed more of what we already know! He "passes" his test per the instruments like he should, but blatantly does not respond to any of the sounds like he should AT ALL! Babies turn their heads to the direction the sound is coming from and Andrew does not. So he has to go to Arnold Palmer as well to get a more advanced screening done. It is similar to an EEG they put electrodes on his head to see if the signal from the ears are communicating with brain and vice versa. Most hearing loss can be treated in some form, but if it is actual nerve damage I was told there is not a whole lot that can be done. I have not got the appointment time and date for this test yet. Not sure if he will have to stay or not, because they want the test done with sedation.

Jacob had his first physical therapy visit today. He was NOT happy. His arms are very tight and his shoulders. He does not have full range of motion in his left arm already. I have been working on it with exercise, but have not had alot of success. She gave me some good tips today on helping him with the back arching he does to keep his head more midlined so he can start to develop more. Ugh I am so unmotivated and I have to light a fire under my butt to do lots of range of motion and exercise with him every day.

I feel like this crazy storm is never ending. I'm having a woe-is-me kinda week...and I dislike people that think this way! After everything with Logan, now the 2 boys I have home that I thought were for the most part happy and healthy now they are facing G-tube placement, life long disability and prospects of diagnoses of permanent untreatable deafness! I feel bad for my boys and I feel guilty like it is partly my fault. I have guilt that I was sooo worried about saving Logan before they were born, that I did not consider how it would effect them. I know Logan's life was not in vein, but now that he is gone I can't help but feel shame and guilt for risking the boys lives when Logan did not make it anyway. If I could take it all back, I'm sure I would not. I cherish every moment God gave me with Logan and God! I miss him so much. Yesterday when Ava seen the Winnie Palmer building she screamed over and over again in a fit that she wanted to go see Logan. I tried over and over to explain to her that we had no business there no more. That Logan was not there. She asks, "where did he go" I try to tell her he went to Heaven. Then she proceeds to scream "I WANT TO GO SEE LOGAN." and insisted that he was "in there"

I'm probably overreacting, but the prospect of surgery scares me on either child. I got Logan's death certificates in the mail yesterday. Cause of Death: Respiratory failure, Presumed Sepsis, Severe bronchopulmonary dysplasia, pulmonary hypoplasia. This is just what Dr. Brown wrote. Not from the autopsy. I'm not sure if the autopsy report is in or not, or even if they will automatically send me a copy or not. I suppose I should call the social worker at WPH to ask. All the autopsies are done in house at Arnold Palmer, so I would think it would be done. If so I will get a copy of it on Monday.

I went to my job today to give the benefits lady a copy of Logan's death certificate so he could be removed off my insurance etc. I thought I was going to hyperventilate in there. It took everything in me to maintain my composure. I filed for his life insurance, but it is still unknown if they will pay the policy out or not. The lady their told me she has not seen them not pay a policy out that they "pay out for suicides so why would they not pay for a baby born sick" The insurance company told me a different story, that when they got the claim they would send it to underwriting and request a copy of his medical records from the hospital to see if he "fits" in the parameters of his policy.
Not to worry. GOD has already SHOWN that he ALWAYS provides. I still really need to write thank you notes to every generous person that has been there for us, financially, emotionally, and to the friends and family that spent their time with us. I appreciate everyone that has been there for us. I know God is going to provide and make it possible that Logan's headstone will be paid for with it being added to our debt. The guy emailed me back yesterday and said he was taking the stone to Georgia on Thursday to have the picture etched. So, I am guessing it should be ready in about 3 weeks.

Ugh!

As I praised Jacob's progress the other day he decided that night to go back to the nonstop crying all the time when he is not asleep or being held! I wish I knew where that switch was that turned the crying off! They are both getting another congested nasty cold though. I am taking Jacob to his GI appt tomorrow while Jack takes Andrew to his hearing test. Jennifer and Dahlton are moving out as we speak. I will spend tomorrow afternoon putting the boys room back together and HOPEFULLY MAKING THEM SLEEP IN IT!
Ava decided she is going to take her diaper off and use carpet as a toilet! She liquid poop in the hall this morning and peed on her bedroom floor. Then she pooped in her diaper again! When I ask her where she is suppose to go potty she goes "I dunno." and "In my diaper." then she laughs! I could beat her. She KNOWS better. If that little girl can tell me mommy I peed take her diaper off and bring me diaper and wipes and tell me to change her diaper she is capable of going on the toilet! Okay I am done with my poop rant for today. She also thought it would be funny to paint the walls with a spoon and ice cream this afternoon.
I am posting a picture of the headstone we bought for Logan. Jack is going to be mad I posted it before him. :-)

Hmmm....

I don't have anything super interesting to post today just felt the need to write. I am happy to report that there has been a good change in Jacob. He is been less spastic and more calm in the last few days than he has been ummm....EVER! Praise God for this! Not sure if it is just us being home with him more or if it the phenobarbital helping. He can actually be awake laying on the floor etc and not cry! He is still not making huge strides in progress, but I have faith in time he will. He does focus more when he eats. He is drinking 9oz bottles and then some at times plus baby food 2x a day. He eats pretty well from a spoon depending on his mood. He does Jacob smiles and coos more often.
Andrew is doing fabulous. He is holding and reaching for toys. He holds them in his hands and makes ones that spin moves. He likes to hold his blankets and eat them. He is drooling like a faucet there must be some teeth coming soon. I think he would roll over if he would take his hand out of his mouth for 2 seconds He is even starting to lean forward like he wants to sit up. He does well with his baby food to. He is also eating 2x a day. He gets more constipated than Jacob from food.
Ava has some major sharing issues. Poor girl. She is so territorial. I think when she turns 3 I will put her in day care or something. I need to get her involved with other kids. She is flat out MEAN to other kids. Last night at LPOM she hid under the tables half the time and the rest of the time she played with a toy in the corner by herself. Today we went to the Play place at McDonald's with The Crofts and it took Kristina crawling in the tubes with her a few times to get her to play with Savanna they had a good time. She was ready for nap time when we got home.

Filed my taxes last night. Praise God we will have enough to pay off our van, pay off Logan's headstone, and put a little in savings. Still no death certificate. So I can't even put in a claim for Logan's life insurance yet to see if they will honor it yet. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks he has been gone. Yesterday I went to his grave site by myself for the 1st time. His flowers for the most part still look surprisingly good. It was the first time I cried in days. I watched alot of his videos on my phone yesterday. I feel like that is all I have left of him is a few short video clips. I miss him so much.

Our roommates were blessed with a nice apartment they are moving into on Monday. I am very happy for them and grateful for all the trials and tribulations we have been through together good and bad. All were blessings in the end and we are all better people for living through hard times. Thank you Jennifer and Dahlton for sticking with us during some of the hardest moments in our lives even though I did not always realize or appreciate what good you did for us and focused more on what I felt you were doing wrong. I truly do appreciate you guys lol but I think we are better friends than roommates like you said hehe. I am spending next week getting my house organized and PUTTING THE BABIES IN THERE ROOM!

Big things for next week is: GI appointment in Orlando for Jacob, hearing evaluation for Andrew on Tuesday, interventionist comes out with Jacob on Thursday, I still need to get ahold of the physical thripist for Jacob they call the day of Logan's funeral and has not called back to set up a time., Jack goes back to work on Wednesday and I go back to work on Saturday. Jack wants to drive to see snow lol

We went out and designed Logan's headstone today. I think it will be nice. Not sure if it is "the perfect headstone" but it was nice that the guy had a program unlike the last 3 places I looked at. We chose a stone they had on the lot so we did not have to wait longer for a custom order etc. He said about 5 weeks for the final produce and install. I think this stone will represent who he was well. I took some picture of the drawing he did, but it came out blurred. The oval pic is an example of what is going to be etched from the org photo into the small oval of the head stone. I hope it comes out in a little better detail than just photo editing on computer. I'm sure it will all come out fine.

1 weeks and 1 day

It has been a week and a day since Logan went to be with God. It does not seem real to me yet. I feel like I am on a vacation of some sort since I have not had to drive back and forth from the NICU everyday. I went to his grave site yesterday and even sitting there I'm not sure how much of it has sunk in yet. I am sure this is because the peace I feel with where he is at. I don't know what to think. Should I be more upset than I am? I have very brief upset moments that only last a few minutes, but overall I am rejoyceful that God has delivered Logan from the suffering he endured here on earth and brought him home. I am sad when I look at Jacob just the right way. I see Logan. Jacob has Logan's eyes. I panicked this morning at the thought that I feel like my brain is forgetting what Logan was like and how he acted, how sweet he was, and what a brave fighting personality he had. I know I have pictures and videos to remind me of my sweet child that moved mountains in peoples' hearts in a mere 6 months. I think if I actually took the time to look at all his pictures and reread my blogs it would really hit me. I'm not ready for that. Keeping myself busy and focusing on my family has kept my mind off of everything. He is always in the back of my mind he is the 1st thing that pops up on my cell phone when I look at it (which is often lol)God, I love him and miss him! 2nd time since Logan has died, I had someone go "Oh twins, How sweet." So, today I corrected the lady when she said are all these kids yours? Look twins. So I said, "No they are actually triplets and Ava is 2. Then she looks around at the car seats and goes "where is the 3rd one." I could not bring myself to tell the lady he was dead. So I just said he not with us right now.

A wonderful celebration of life

This is the link to the video on Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YJiBHFtwcs

Logan's service was wonderful yesterday. We only had 1 technical difficulty. I made a slide show and the music to it did not play :-( I think 94 people signed the guest book. I know there were more people than that that came to see him though that did not sign the book. Not the point, just wanted to point out how wonderful and uplifting it was to see so many people care about Logan and my family. I know atleast 6 people excepted the Lord into their heart yesterday at the end of the serice. How wonderful is that! Praise the Lord! He was beautiful, his service was great, and he will forever be with God now. I think it is really starting to sink in today that he is gone and that I will never see him on earth again, but know it is not the end and I will see him in Heaven. I love him so much. After we came home from the funeral a wonderful video came in the mail from Now I lay me down to sleep photography. I want to share it with everyone. It is beautiful. I hope people do not think I am drawing out the events of his death to much, I just want to share every detail with those who care. I have the slide show I showed at the funeral I want to share at some point to. Thank You everyone for your prayers, gifts, and presence at my son's service. I want to give a special THANKS not only again to the donor who paid for my son's funeral, but to Sheriff Grady Judd for letter and gift he sent, but for providing the motor officers and escorts for my son's precession. It was AWESOME! Thank you law enforcement community for coming together to help my family. Thank You Sheila and Haley for taking care of my children over the last few days. There are so many people I am grateful for I can make this list very long so once again Thank you everyone! Most importantly THANK YOU GOD!

Huge Blessings from God today

To the Anonymous Donor,
I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. God is good! You came into our lives and gave such a great blessing to us in a desperate time of need. We were about to walk into the funeral home today and max out our credit cards to pay for the funeral we felt our son deserved. Through the great generosity and kindness you gave to our family you lifted a huge burden off us and made this day less stressful. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you and God Bless You. I don't know who you are, but I will never forget you and what you did for our family today. Rest assure your blessing to us will not end here. We will continue to bless the next family we can help and will continue to keep our faith and tell of God's great love to others. I hope Logan meets your loved one in Heaven. Thanks for making our day blessed, Love Jennifer and Jack Gunter

To those who do not know. A very kind person who wants to remain anonymous to us and everyone else came into the funeral home today before we arrived and paid off Logan's funeral bill in full. The director said in the 20 years he has been doing his job, that this has never happen to him where a complete stranger comes in to pay off another family's debt. God is good and he is my provider. My love for God is so strong it overwhelmes me. I have such great peace with where my son is that I can't do nothing but rejoice in His name and knowing that Logan is the blessed one. He has the honor to be in such a wonderful place in the presence of the Lord. He walks hand in hand with Jesus with all the other babies and children. He is with mine and Jack's families. He is Loved by all. He led a short life, but a life full of hope, inspiration, and faith. I poured my heart and soul into his life to keep him alive because I wanted him to be healthy and strong. I made sure I did everything I could do for him including pumping pumping and pumping lots of milk for him and the boys and many sleepless nights to make sure I could see his sweet face as much as I could. I thank God for every day I was able to see my sweet baby, I continue to be sad for his loss, but rejoice in his life and what it meant to so many people. I know now I have to refocus my life on the children God has blessed me with that are healthy. I am a stronger person though this, my faith is stronger, and my heart is kinder. I am humbled and know the best and worst can happen to anyone, I will never think things are beyond me. I will never say I can't do something, and I will no longer say that something like that can not happen to me. I just know that if whatever it is happens to me, that God will get me through it.

Thank you everyone who came to show your support today. It filled my heart with joy to have so many people come to show how much they loved my family, That Logan's life mattered, and that my family matters to them.

God Bless everyone who reads this. I hope to see everyone tomorrow as we celebrate his life.

P.S. Logan looked beautiful and so peaceful today. It felt good looking at him looking so peaceful and not sick.

Logan's Obituary in the Ledger

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/theledger/obituary.aspx?n=logan-christopher-gunter&pid=139285322

Funeral arrangements

Logan's Services will be as follows:
Viewing will be 02/03/10 from 6-8pm at Gentry-Morrison Funeral Home in North Lakeland

His SUPER AWSOME service I encourage all to come to will be on Thursday 02/04/10 same place address is listed below at 3pm

There will be FOOD after he is layed to rest at Gibsonia Baptist Church on the corner of Gib-Galloway and US Hwy 98

Gentry-Morrison Funeral Homes
5245 US 98 North Lakeland, FL 33809
Phone: 863-858-4474


I hope that everyone that Logan's life touched can take the time to come honor his life. All are welcome to attend!!!

Some friends help set up a memorial fund for Logan to help pay for funeral expenses. Through midflorida "Logan C. Gunter Memorial Fund" they said all you have to do is tell them the name or Jack's name and they can look it up. A special thanks to the wonderful people of Journey Church for all you are doing for our family. Thanks Heather for doing the flowers. I love you all!