Today was the boys' 2nd Halloween and Ava's 4th...last year we pushed our sweet little Mickey Mouse babies around and Ava dressed as an Angel. I remember visiting Logan after everyone went to bed that night. :-( I think about all I am missing out on, not getting to show off my triplets together. They should all be crawling and standing now. Instead I had a very hyper wild baby giraffe named Andrew and a special grouchy giraffe named Jacob tonight. Logan did not need a costume he is already my Angel Boy. Yoi know I used to call him this when he was alive, I used to make up songs and sing to him about being mama's angel boy. Never thought he really would be my angel boy in Heaven. Ava was a sweet bumble bee she got lots of candy and is currently sleeping with her bag of candy next to her daddy in my bed.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I've continue to have feelings of jealousy and self pity. I am having a hard time shaking it. I have met a lot of triplet moms since I became pregnant with my boys. I have befriended several. It does not bother me to be around them. I am happy to see their children so healthy and developing well. Where I have this issue is watching mine and not getting to enjoy what everyone else has. Why can't I have 3 little babies all about to start walking. Why can't I even have 2 babies that are starting to walk. Jacob has not been doing well over the past few weeks. He is having a lot of "seizure like" activity. He is starting to get tight again, he is not eating well at all and he is arching like crazy. From an illness state he is doing better than he was a little more than a week ago, he is just not being the Jacob he was 4 or 5 weeks ago. I am getting concerned he is back sliding more. This is really hard for me. Watching Jacob bounce up and down with sickness and health just brings back so many painful memories of Logan's health issues. I have fears that he is slipping farther and farther way. Will he eventually just be a vegetable? Will he even show emotion anymore? Anyways for some reason it just hurt tonight when I was looking at pictures some of the triplet moms posted on their facebook pages with their triplet strollers and 3 babies dressed in sweet costumes. Will I ever get over this??? Its so weird. I hate feeling like this. I don't really think it is so much the "triplet" part, but just the big healthy baby part and how I don't have 2 or 3 big healthy babies. I am so greatful Andrew is doing so well. I thank God for his health everyday.
Things I used to except and just trust in God with have become very hard. I had total faith that Logan was going to be okay. I truly 100% believe God would heal him. God did not heal him like I wanted. He did heal him, he took away the pain, and gave him ever lasting life in Heaven. While he knows no pain and no sorrow, my heart feels as though it has been ripped out of my chest. He is gone..gone...gone...gone....gone. Some days it doesn't even seem real. I wake up and wonder if it was just a dream...Then I poured my heart into my surviving triplets every one who reads this blog and know me knows this,. I have nearly dedicated my life to Jacob. My heart can't help but feel heavy. The more he does not respond, the more illnesses he has, the more spastic, the more seizures, the less he eats, the more I see his toes curl down, etc I don't know how much I can handle. I think back...a child on the brink of death should be much harder than cerebral palsy, but for me its not. With Logan like I have wrote before. I didn't really see any long term uncertainty with him. I knew their were only 2 options either his lungs start getting better or they don't. I was blanketed in prayers. I know without God and all the prayers that were sent up for me and my family, I would have probably have been in the loony bin. Now, I feel alone. I know God is always with me, but I just feel alone though. I hate that Jacob has to be the way he is. I REALLY HATE IT! I don't understand why God chose me to be his mother, I don't understand why he has to struggle so much. Why did Logan and Jacob have to have TTTS causing all these things to happen to ours sons and our family.
Jacob's smile can light up a room, he touches people. I know people are intrigued by him. I wish I could just hear from God...I want to feel that comfort I felt before. I hate uncertainty. I hate thinking about how he is going to get big one day and I may not be able to take care of him anymore. How on earth will I be able to take care of him when he is BIG! I had to stop myself from hyperventilating the other day as I thought the worse. For sure God would not take him from me too. Then I think how life would be without him. Though some might see this as a relief (like the lady who wrote the article about "Good mom's" would do the right thing and put a pillow over their child's face. She wrote the article about how handicap kids were burdens, drains on society etc) me just seeing the article really affected me. I realized with all my self pity I have, that outside of him being "normal" I would not change him. I do not want to have to walk though my life without him or my other babies. He is my challenge and I am going to do my best to give him everything I can. I think off all the thing he will need one day and I will continue to believe that God will provide for me. So, I try not to worry as much about how my bathroom is going to have to be remodeled one day to make it handicap accessible, much less how I may need a new home. My wants for him are great. I would love for him to have his very own hyperbaric chamber. I want him to have a stem cell transplant. I want to do anything and everything I can to give him everything he needs to grow and function. I want to give him the best and latest therapies available. I NEED TO WIN THE LOTTERY TO FUND THIS!
Sorry you have read through my rabble this was just me releasing my feeling and giving myself a pep talk to keep getting through the days.