So here it is 1:28am and I'm wide awake praising God for all the good and bad in my life. I should be sleeping. I have to be up early. The lady from The Ledger is suppose to be here at 8:30 to interview me about my children for mother's day. So many things continue to run though my head. My grandpa is dying. I am bothered by how my mom is reacting to this. When the babies were born she was constantly telling me not to get my hopes up that they might die. Then when Logan did die, she told me, "To be honest, I did not think he would live as long as he did." Yes, she was upset and I know it was not easy for her or any of my family. Myself and everyone else sat on edge through all his ups and downs preparing ourselves for his death and then he would get better. This happened time and time again, and finally when I stopped preparing myself for him to die and planning his funeral in my head. When I finally got the thoughts of him coming home. When I finally took his car seat out of the box and threw the box away. When I bought 3 of everything he finally died and went home. It hurt so bad that I could not stand to see 3 of anything in my house. I sold his car seat to a friend of a friend for way less than I paid for it just so I would not have to look at it. So I would not see the empty void of a seat that he would never ever sit in. I gave brand new cloths with tags aways to anyone that would take them from me. Hundreds of dollars of items I just gave away. Mobiles, toys, anything that reminded me that he would never come home. I dealt with it. I stood strong. I have faith in our God that he is home that he is where he is suppose to be. I have peace with this. Though my flesh yearns for his presence. My body aches to hold him. I feel like my mind is erasing him and every time I see his face in a picture the burning pain comes back. I shake it off and move on. I take care of my children. I do what I have to do. I don't drowned the pain in pills, cigarettes, massive quantities of alcohol. I'm not out getting high and I'm not sleeping my life away. I have something to live for. I have 3 children who need me. A husband who loves me and most important a God who loves me. I was told the other day "you have the worst luck" Luck has nothing to do with it. Life sucks sometimes, and when things get bad you just continue to praise him. While Logan was dying in my arms and I just rocked him and tried to soak in every moment I could with him. We were waiting for my sister and my children to come, so we could tell Logan goodbye together and the the only thing that came to me was to sing to him. "You are awesome in this place mighty God, you are awesome in this place hallelujah..." I remember sitting there singing and my friend Jennifer stood behind me and sang with me. My mom told me today that when her dad passes she don't know what she has to live for. I'm like you got to be kidding. Your husband, your children, you grandchildren. Live life! Praise God!
The point of this rant. My mom does not deal with death very well at all. She feels like everyone is leaving her. She still has not really overcome the death of her grandmother Meem. Now her father is dying of cancer just like Meem did. My mom had an extremely rough childhood. One that I could not imagine living though. My mom is way more forgiving than I am. I have few family members in my life that have crossed me the wrong way one to many times that could care less if I ever seen them from the rest of my life. I am trying to lead by my mom's example with this and move on forgive and forget...I still haven't quite got there, but I'm trying. My mom forgives and loves and bends over backwards for people who once made her life hell. I don't know my mom's heart and can't speak for her. I just pray that she could except what life deals her with loved one's deaths like she forgives the past. My grandpa is saved. I don't want to see him go either. I'm scared my mom is going to loose it when my grandpa goes home to be with God. I pray that God just surrounds her and gives her peace. Not just her, but everyone that will hurt when he is gone. Everyone who's lives he touched. I love him so much, and I regret not having the same relationship with him, like I did when I was younger. I used to call him every day. He was my rock when things were bad at home during my parents rough years. He made Christmas exciting when we were kids. We always had Christmas Eve dinner at his and Grandma Sandy's house. Our entire family got together, We would pray and eat dinner. Then he sat in his recliner and gave out presents to everyone wearing his Santa hat. I miss those days.
My mom told me that he is getting weaker, that his liver is not really functioning anymore. He has lost a ton of weight. I can't even see him. He is suppose to be getting chemo, but he has been so sick, that he could not get chemo because of his liver if I understood my mom correctly. He can't be around my children. I fear that when I went to see him in the hospital a month ago was the first and last time he will ever see my children. I cry when I think about it. He might not be able to hold my children anymore, but when he gets to Heaven he will get to meet Logan after he meets God. I hate cancer! I hate hate hate that he was not able to afford medical treatment and slipped though the crack so long. Everyone in my house has been so sick, my mom, my children, Jack, and me at times. Because of this we can't even visit. When Jack is home on Wednesday I hope I can go see him. I just want to crawl in bed next to him and talk to him about whatever for as long as I can. I thank God my Aunt Holly has been his rock though this. He is staying with her right now. Anyone who reads this and make any sense out of my now 2:17am writing please pray for my family. That God not only give my grandpa comfort and peace, but help all of his family and friends though a tough time. God Bless Everyone and Good night
PS. not sure if I even mentioned it, but they originally said he had 6 months - 2 years, but now they are thinking 3 months or less. He has stage 4 pancreatic cancer that has spread into the spleen and all over the liver. It is in the lymph nods and who knows where else. He does not eat well, and stays in a lot of pain.