Today is a BIG Day

Today nearly 3 years after my last traumatic birth of my triplets I get to deliver a FULL TERM rainbow baby. I'm nervous, but have prayed a lot asking God to take the anxiety away and let me enjoy the blessing of having a full term healthy baby again. I am so grateful that I had a very uneventful pregnancy. I got to work until Sunday....and I am now unemployed by choice. I'm scared about the single income and massive pay cut along with having another baby to take care of. I'm trusting in God that I am making the best choices I can for my family for the moment. I think I need to be home with them at least until school starts and then we will see. I want to exclusively breastfeed this baby. Have some sort of "normal" experience. Ava was an induced vaginal delivery. I was scared to death, her being my 1st child and I had a hard time bonding at first and she never learned to latch properly and I pumped and bottle fed her for almost a year. I HATE BREAST PUMPS! Then the triplets....I did not get to see them born because I panicked and started freaking out on the table when they started cutting and next thing I remember I was awake and they were gone. Once again with 3 28 week preemies we pumped and the babies got only mostly breast milk for almost 7 months. My milk dried up shortly after Logan passed and then the boys finished out their 1st year on infant formula...once again they never latched. I HATE BREAST PUMPS! Soooo I have faith this baby is going to be "normal" lol and we are going to have a latcher....I  do NOT want the breast pump to be my best friend for the next year.

Yesterday was not good. Full of anxiety and stress, not what it should have been. Should have been full of excitement and anticipation for the blessing of today. I cried the entire time at my pre-op OB appointment. I made the decision to have a planned c-section instead of a VBAC. I feel the need to have "control" over the birth so I can better plan for my other childrens' needs. I prayed I would go into labor and my cervix is just not ready. I could have waited another week, but even with Ava I never went into labor on my own...well apparently I was with the triplets and had no clue...crazy.  I may regret my decision later but I'm sure my nether regions will appreciate not receiving the same trauma experienced with Ava's birth again. I could not sit for weeks due to massive tearing and couldn't poop for 3 months without crying...just thought you should know. LOL My recovery with the triplets was not so bad. Praying for a very uneventful recovery again this time. Since I chose a c-section this time if we plan on anymore children in the future I no longer have the option to have a vaginal delivery..no we are not getting any form of permanent birth control. At least I got to experience that "joy" with Ava. I do dream of the perfect vaginal delivery, but decided c-section is best for my need to plan....I can't rely that someone will be there to care for Jacob and the other 2 children in the middle of the night etc. I don't want my husband to have to stay behind and miss his daughter's birth....he has enough emotional issues after the Triplets. He has been way more emotional over the past week than I have....I have had a hard time trying to comfort him due to my own anxieties causing me to feel a little hostile toward him...totally wanted to punch him all day yesterday. After hours of praying from my lack of sleep this morning, I feel calm and at peace. Not sure how I will feel in a few hours. I've had some major trusting God and believing in pray issues since Logan died....and I'm trying very hard to give my whole heart back to Him and knowing HE is in control of everything. Today was the 1st time I really prayed outside of a typical night time prayer in a long time. I'm releasing these anxieties to my faith and leaving everything in God's hands because in the end I really have no "control" He does.

I leave my house in about an hour from now. To be at Labor and Delivery at 7:30. The c-section is scheduled at 9:30 if things go as planned. I have not eaten since about 9pm or drank since 11:30pm. Totally wanting to drink something right now. My blond haired babies have been up with me since 3:30 when they "sneaked" according the Ava in my room. I came to the living room and they followed. Andrew had been attached me all morning. He has to be touching me in some form at all times. About to leave the kids on the couch watching Disney Jr. to go take ANOTHER antibacterial shower and get ready to leave. My sister should be here to take over at 7am so we can leave. Wish us luck. I will try to post by the end of the day. :-)