Monday, November 15, 2010

better days........

I think things are slowly...hmmm very slowly getting better. Jacob ate 4oz for me this morning by mouth and 5oz last night when I came home from work. I think he is getting constipated again because Jack did not give him the miralax all weekend like he was suppose to. Funny thing with Jacob seems like with his eyes dilated (the stuff we put in them on Thursday night takes a week to wear off) he is looking around more. I'm excited to get his glasses back. I wonder if they will make a difference this time. Trying not to loose hope.

Andrew is really starting to take off developmentally. He is doing very well with his fine motor skills. He holding toys and really looking at them to figure them out. He has figured out how to turn several toys on and off. He still loves Jacobs light toy. It still tickles me when he sits in his baby cage pushing the button and holding it down himself to watch the light spin. I hope that maybe after Thanksgiving we will have the physical therapy going with him. I was hoping he would walk by Christmas, not so sure if that will maybe by the end of February. I only say this because the kid has no balance and can not stand on his own. He does not even attempt to stand by himself. He seems more organized and less scattered. After countless pops on the behind he finally stopped trying to escape when I change his diaper. He used to drive me crazy, constantly trying to roll over, crawl aways, or lifting his butt off the changing table over and over again. He definitely understands "No" now. He is drinking whole milk better and he is starting to eat more foods. He really likes peanut butter and jelly. :-) I still can't get him to eat anything not attached to breading, bread, or this baby is starting way to young loving bread.

I caught Ava building a dirt mound aka "castle" according to her on my patio in the back yard this morning. She actually woke up 2 times last night to go potty. She still had wet pull ups this morning though :-( She is currently lining her stuffed animals up down the coffee table. She is waking them up from bed time. Last night she was in her room trying to stuff like 15 stuffed animals in one of those doll sized play pens. She was having a fit because she could not find a place for monkey and asked me to help her. I shoved monkey into a spot, she take him out and yells at me that where I put him was the kitty cat's spot.

My dad called me telling me once again how he was getting excited. 1 week until our 1st family trip out of state. I wish Logan could be here. I'm sure I will be thinking of him the entire time. I've reasoned with myself about the whole autopsy thing I posted the other day. I logically know its not my fault, I read all those little things I forgot about in my blogs. I forgot that his blood pressure was higher than mine! I remember how he was on all those medication for stuff I don't even understand...there were a bunch of supplements for his electrolytes I think. My only regret was not waiting another day. He was unresponsive before when his co2 levels were high, but I don't remember him not making an attempt to breath. His final day he was unresponsive and not breathing on his own. I will never know if it was just a side effect from the co2 levels or brain damage that caused this. I feel that I never gave him a chance to try and get better. I was so overwhelmed and physically exhausted that I just wanted it to be over. I wanted his pain and suffering to end. I'm glad that his brothers and sisters got to be there with him. I'm glad Ava and my sister finally got to hold him. I'm glad I got to told him without wires and monitors. I glad people that loved him friends and family where there. I was unconscious for his birth so even has hard as it was I'm glad I got to comfort him in his death.

1 comment:

  1. Good luck on the upcoming trip.

    Your struggle over Logan breaks my heart. We should never have to make the kinds of choices that you had to make for your son. I know it is so hard to live with the what ifs. You made all of your decisions out of love and that is all you can do. Thinking of you while you are struggling.