Monday, April 12, 2010
10 weeks ago Saturday. Mine and my husband's lives changed forever when Logan went to Heaven. I thought it would be easier as time goes on, but I am finding it harder and harder. Seems like every day that passes is a little more depressing than the last. I left work early on Saturday and just sat at his grave side and read my bible, I thought it might help sooth the aching pain I feel inside, but of course it does not. I fighting this depressed state I want to be in and try to continue to rejoice in the Lord that he is my salvation and he loves me.
As I continue to mourn Logan, I have also found myself mourning Jacob's handicap. I feel like such a selfish person. As every week passes and I see Jacob not doing the things Andrew is it just breaks my heart. I feel horrible that he has to struggle. I continue to feel guilty like it is my fault and that I made the wrong decision somewhere along the line. I always ponder the what ifs I can not change. Did his brain injury occur from the TTTS before he was born, or is it my fault for allowing them to be delivered to soon. Would Logan still be here if I would have tried to keep him in just a few more days. Would Jacob's brain be normal? These are the answers I know I will never have. I know that no matter what decision was made, that God's will would have been done anyway. I continue to feed myself that "everything happens for a reason, and that it is God's will" I even feel comfort in knowing that God had a purpose for Logan and I am grateful for the 6 months and 12 days I had with him. I think back to this past January. I can't actually remember the last time I held him before he was dying. I remember the nurse asking me if I wanted to hold him the last time I seen him before he got sick and me telling her no. If I could have changed it but I can't I would have spent MANY more hours with him than I did. I would have held him every chance I had and I would NEVER have taken for granted that I was certain he was coming home and that I would have the rest of my life with him. I think of all the lonely hours he spent in that hospital room alone. The days when I was just "to tired" to go see him when I wish I would have. The guilt I have is unbearable at times. I cry and cry. I pray to God to deliver me from this pain I feel and it just gets stronger each day.
Totally off track again. I thought by finding a support group for parents of children with brain injuries would make me feel better about Jacob. I think that because I had such high hopes for Logan, that I have a hard time believing that Jacob will "function" one day. I now find myself thinking the worse and I have never been that kind of person. I'm sick of all the uncertainties! Is Jacob every going to be able to communicate? Will he ever walk or have control of his own body? Is he every going to stop arching? Will he be able to eat normal or is he going to end up with a feeding tube? BTW I can't find any support groups around here. I have yet to really look into online groups.
Okay Okay I am done with my woe is me moment anyone who made it thought that I'm sorry. Thinking positive now.
I just discovered that I think I am getting a cavity in one of my top molars..oh this is not positive at all.
My sister tells me she thinks the meds Jacob is on is doing wonders for him. She said he seems like a different baby. Her boyfriend Isreal is really good with him and said that he had him actually laughing like Andrew does.
Andrew is working on his rolling still. He does roll both ways now, but has not totally mastered the art of rolling. He is also working on mastering his balance with sitting up. He sits up unsupported for a little bit but as soon as he moves his arms or feet he fall over.
Jack and I started seeing a weight loss doctor on Friday. I am on day 5 of Adipex. I have not noticed a huge difference. I am still tired. I don't have any motivation and my stomach seems like it is always growling and wants me to feed it. Jack did not have a good reaction to his meds the 1st day, but seems to be adjusting now. I'm so sick of being so fat. My mom was taking a picture of me playing with the babies and when I seen it all I could think of is the fat ass smelly women who's stomach hang below their knees sitting on a motor scooter. So I will fight this depression (because I can't take anything for it with the Adipex) kick it's butt to the curb and continue to regain control of my house and my life. The new neighbors gave us their shed which is less than 2 years old because they bought a HUGE one. So tomorrows goals are to go to Lowes and get blocks to put under the new shed. Replace the light fixture at the front of our subdivision that some jack ass ruined. Seriously if I knew what ass hole neighbor did it I would defiantly cross my mind to throws some screws under their tires etc... notice I said cross my mind, not actually do. they fills a make shift "box" with that orange insulation foam to hold the light up. It looks like it belongs in a red neck trailer park and now the entire light fixture and pole it is on is destroyed and has to be replaced. I think I will post a picture of it tomorrow. We literally have to saw it off to fix it. Oh back on track again. After that we are going to clean out our garage and hopefully by Tuesday night we will be able to fit at least 1 car back in their.
I love my little Ava she is so sweet. Looks like an angel sleeping :-)
Posted by Jennifer G. at 12:34 AM