Happy 4th Birthday to my Triplets

Boys,
      I can't believe it has been 4 years since your premature entry into this world. Today, 4 years ago, is the day my life change forever. Giving birth to my 3 boys at 28 weeks was one of the 2nd hardest choice I ever had to make. That day I had no clue how my life would change. No clue how Logan would pass away 6 months later, no clue that Jacob would have brain injury, and no clue that Andrew would end up developmentally delayed a year after he should have been "caught up". I love all 3 of you with all my heart and soul. Even though my life got a little harder, I would never change the time I have had with any of you. My heart aches for Logan often. I still wish and dream I had all 3 of my boys hear healthy, happy, and thriving.

This year has been less challenging then the last 3.

Jacob, you have had no big hospital stays this year and have been very stable, growing and happy. You have broaden your TV viewing selection to include more than Mickey Mouse. You also have been working on switch toys. Overall your muscles tone is good, but still not a lot of active purposeful movements. You like to sleep during therapy sessions and while you are at school. Overall you had a very good school year minus your desire to sleep. In the past year you have come off all the medications you used to be on (14) and now only take 3. I love you my Jacob. You will always be my baby no matter how big you get.

Andrew, you are a wild boy and enjoy testing your limits. This year we realized that you were not "catching up" like you should have. You still have some mild developmental delays. You refuse to eat more than your "bread type" products and snacks. I've realized that you have some major sensory issues more so than just the food issue. You do odd things like insist on sleeping on the floor and wrapping your head in pillows or blankets. You wrap yourself in the curtains and always have your dirty smelly blanket with you that you must have under your nose and then suck on your thumb. The list goes on and on, but that is not the point of this post. You were diagnosed with disruptive behavior disorder last week. All I have to say is it make a lot of sense. You make my day more interesting and much louder. You love attention and are always willing to sit and cuddle even though it usually results in my arm being licked. Ava is definitely your best friend and you really look up to her. You also had a very good year at school. You learned to count to 10 and learned some of your alphabet. You also learned your colors. You are a very smart little boy and I'm very proud of you.

Logan, I miss you. I wish you were with us. Today I chose to celebrate your life. The breathes you took and the 6 months and 12 days you were here to light up my life. I will never forget holding you and staring into your dark brown eyes. It is hard living without you, but I know you don't suffer now and I thank God for delivered you from the suffering and pain you endured while you fought so hard to be with us. Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven son.

We had the Mega Birthday Party Extravaganza last month to celebrate all 5 of my children's lives. The party was great and we all had fun. The boys theme this year is Cars. Birthday morning we will go out to breakfast and go to the store and let the boys pick out a toy. This weekend we will go to the beach and write Logan's name in the sand. We will do a balloon release for Logan and take the boys to the movies. Jacob LOVES movies.

Thank You Lord for giving me the blessing of having these 3 boys in my life. My life has been fuller and much busier.

I love you more than words could ever express. I hope this year is the best year yet.

Love, Mommy

 

Happy 6th Birthday Ava

Dear Ava,
          Happy 6th Birthday! I'm over a month late writing this entry. You had a pretty low key birthday. We made up for it with the birthday party though. This year since all of the childrens' birthdays are a month or less apart we did 1 big party. This year we did it close to your birthday. Next year probably your brothers, the the following year Hannah. We are rotating the "joint" birthday party by age. We had the party June 8th 2 days after your birthday. .You were so excited about it. Everyone wore their custom birthday outfits mommy had made. You chose Barbie this year. You had the cutest dress and I made a hair bow to match. Aunt Tricia made the cupcakes for everyone and she did a great job. You had pink barbie cupcakes, Hannah had purple monkey cupcakes, and the boys had Cars. We had the party in Winter Haven at The Jump House. It is an indoor party place that has a bunch of blow up bounce houses and a trampoline. Besides it being incredibly hot is was a total hit!

Back to your actual birthday. We took you to your favorite place to eat, Olive Garden. You LOVE that place. Can you guess what Grandma brought you for your birthday this year. Rainbow. Your new kitten. Grandma Beth and Grandpa came all the way from Alabama just for your birthday and to attend the Birthday extravaganza.

At your 6 year old check up you were perfect except for being a little over weight. You are 66 pounds. I love your pediatrician. This year was way better than last year. No hiding and crying under the exam table this year. Upi are super modest and I had a hard tie getting you in your super awesome gown.

You are growing up way to fast. You talk to me like you are an adult. You are way more mature for your age than I think you should be. I love how sweet and compassionate you are towards others especially your brothers and sister. You LOVE Rainbow. I'm glad we finally gave into your endless request for a kitten. She is a fun addition to our family. We are going to have fun attempting home school this school year. You are already my best friend. :-) I love you Ava Grace Gunter.

It is "Birthday" Season at our house and school is almost out.

So Miss Hannah turned 1 on May 8th. We went out to dinner for her birthday and had cake at home. Miss Ava turns 6 next Thursday on June 6th. The boys will be FOUR on July 18th. I can't believe it has been 4 years since My world was turned upside down. It has taken me this long to really accept our new way of life with special needs, child loss, and just the stresses of multiples and lots of children. I am really happy to say that we are JUST HAPPY. There is nothing major going on outside of our daily struggles with Jacob's disabilities, Andrew's sensory issues, children being children, and money in general. We have learned to embrace our life and what God has given us. Our children are overall healthy and Jack and I are working on getting ourselves healthy.

Ava and the boys have 3 more days of school left before they are out for the summer. Ava will be home schooled next year and the boys will return to the same school they went to this year. It was nice having an entire school year of mid morning nap time and free time to grocery shop and have lunch with my husband without all 4 children in tow. Miss Hannah has been with us of course. I look forward to a summer of no car rider lines and no waiting on the school bus to come at random times to pick up Andrew and Jacob. I have plans for lots of outdoor fun this summer with all the children

I cleaned the tadpole breeding ground aka our pool about a week ago. We have had a head start to summer vacation and have spent a lot of time over the past few days swimming. My skin is screaming for me to run for cover. I think we need better sun block. This weekend the children have woke me up every morning early like 730 8am asking if they can go in the pool yet and don't stop all day even after you have let them stay out in the pool for hours. Almost regret cleaning it. LOL

We are having birthday party for all the children at 1 time this year. So since Ava's birthday is in the middle and she thinks everything is all about her anyway I chose June to do the party and because it will be the 1st weekend school is out for the summer. So we will be celebrating the birth of all 5 of our children this Saturday. I'm excited for this week. School is out Wednesday. Ava's actual birthday is Thursday (and pay day woo hoo) Friday my parents and sister are coming in town for the week, the birthday party is Saturday and we are planning a family beach day on Sunday with all my sisters, parents, nieces, nephews etc. My parents will be here until the following Saturday. On the 14th we will celebrate my dad's 53rd birthday. Just really looking forward to family time over the next week and lots of memories.

Jacob had his yearly IEP meeting last week. I'm excited for what they will expect for him next year. I pray often that he does start to do more cognitive things besides watch TV. I love how he is starting to be more engaged in more programs besides Mickey Mouse. I personally thinks he can see what is in front of him. He can't track in a circle or if you move things to fast he will loose sight of them, but eventually move his head so he can see again. I am trying to prepare myself to be more engaged in my kids education and not rely on the teachers. I signed up for ABCmouse.com and plan on working with all 3 of the big kids on the programs throughout the summer. I think it will be good to do some hand over hand with Jacob even if he just enjoys listening the the songs. He loves the attention.

Andrew has an appoint in Orlando on the 10th I believe with the behavioral/developmental pediatrician. Jacob had a recent GI appointment and all is well he is in the 50th percentile for weight and height. Jacob is getting chubby! Ava will have her 6 year old check up later this month. Jacob had botox about 3 weeks ago. He apparently can't get phenol right now because no one is making it. So, I'm really worried about that right now, the botox is doing its job.

I'm sure there is lots of other things I am forgetting to mention. I also write in Jacob's blog www.sqcp.blogspot.com and I had a personal blog that I keep more as a diary for Hannah at www.OurSunshineafterthestorm.blogspot.com. From me trying to keep up with all 3 blogs I feel like I have not been as dedicated to my 1st blog.

Oh Jack and I got FitBit Ones to help loose weight. Jack is down 18lbs I believe and I lost 10, and the fell off the bandwagon a little and gained some back. We have a lot of fund competing with our friends about about who is taking more steps a day etc. I so badly want to try and stay on a healthy track for our family this summer. We have been taking family walks in the afternoon when Jack is home from work and Jack and I had been walking after the children went to school. I think just walking as a family has helped bring us closer together and is just a stress reliever in general. I would love to see Jack and I both 100lbs less next Summer.

1st day @ the Gunter water park for the season

Jacob and Andrew waiting on the school bus. The background is Jack's "healthy" breakfast lol

Ava and Hannah

Proof of my stroller addiction. I NEED them all. LOL All 4 fit into the trunk of my van at 1 time.

Hannah's smash cake for her 1st birthday.

I love ruffle butts I've developed a new co-op facebook boutique buying addiction. I love cheap ruffle butt cloths lol

Andrew always holds Jacob's hand or tries to help push his wheel chair when getting off the school bus.

Another waiting on the school bus morning picture.

A last minute stop at the beach after a St. Pete doctor appt in April

Lets talk about Andrew

It become more and more apparent to me that Andrew has some underlying issues that need to be addressed soon. Awhile ago I thought that he was close to being "caught up" and "normal". I was not really to worried about him at all. I didn't think he needed to be in the special needs school that Jacob attends and was pretty much pushed by the early interventionist and the school after Jacob started to send him because they had an opening. Sometime I worry that he learns some of his weird behavior from other students at the school. At this point I really can't decide if this is all in my head or if it is him "being a boy".

Very recently the behavior has been exceedingly bad. He has always been a whiner. He literally starts as soon as he opens his eyes in the morning. He immediately starts crying, thumb in the mouth, and carries the blanket around. He has been doing this for awhile. Drive me nuts. I tried the thumb sucking nail polish stuff. HE LOVES IT. He licks his fingers, gags and tells me "I like it mama".

Another big thing he enjoys is licking things. He licks everything and everyone. Seems like he does it more when you tell him to stop. I think it is an attention getting thing for him and as long as he is the center of attention he does not care if it is negative or positive attention.

He still barely eats anything but bread, peanut butter, and pediasure. He refuses most other things except for some junk foods. He sure will stick nasty dirty things on his tongue to lick them though.

Several  weeks ago it just really hit me that even though he is physically able bodied outside of being a little low toned and he talks quite well..it hit me that he definitely has a communication problem. He is not able to communicate some of his feelings or needs especially when he is stressed. I have to prime examples of this from the past week.

1. He brought me a cup that need rinsed out and a bottle of pediasure. I told him to wash the cup in the sink and bring it back. (we do this a lot no problem right?) WRONG! I'm pumping milk for the baby. I hear the sink running and the cup has not made it back to me. I then see him running down the hall whining with his thumb in his mouth and a blanket (normal Andrew behavior) I yell for him to turn the water off. (He likes to leave the water on when he washes his hands..once again he likes the negative attention as much as the positive, or so it seems) He doesn't listen. He is running back and forth from the living room to the bathroom. When he goes to the bathroom I hear him crying and screaming louder. I keep yelling for him to turn the water off, but at this point I decide I have to stop pumping and get up and do it myself. He has now run down the hall again to the living room. I notice he has tears in his eyes and the look of pure panic on his face. I run to the bath room to turn the water off to find the sink overflowing with papers shoved in the drain. Water everywhere! He clogged the drain and let the sink overflow. By the time I got the water off he had run back to the bath room and hid in the closet. I try not to loose my temper with him. I ask why didn't you tell mama the water was over flowing or that you needed help? He just looked at me crying and sucking his thumb (remember he will be FOUR in less than 3 months. His responds to questions about him being bad is usually "because I like it" or "because I don't want to" I don't remember his exact response this time, but he did the exact same thing again the following day to Jack when I was not home. Like I said he usually enjoys leaving running water on, but he had shoved stuff down the drain on me and it caused the drain to run slow until Jack fixed it. I'm not sure why he didn't tell me. Was he afraid of getting in trouble? Was it sensory because the water is cold? He freaks over cold water.

Another odd thing he does besides never ever telling us when he has poops even when it is acid poop causing a bad rash...is that when he is hurt he never tells us he is hurting or in pain until it has gotten bad. I don't usually know he has an ear infection until he has a fever. Then I ask if his ear hurts and he will point to which ear it is. Well that being said. He was wearing a pair of flip flops that I guess rubbed the skin off the top of his foot. He has worn these same shoes many times with no problem, but this time he ended up with a pretty horrible looking I'm talking near nickle size mark on the top of his foot. He was out of school all last week with an ear infection, which is when this injury occurred. Jack dressed him for school Monday. I guess he did not realize the scab would stick to his socks (I probably would not have thought about it either) needless to say. Andrew took his shoes and socks off Monday afternoon (this is rather new for him) and I was once again pumping and he just starts walking around the living room in a circle whining and crying...thumb in the mouth doing his things. I notice the whining increase by the second. I ask "Why are you crying" He says "Go away mommy" then I look up at him and the see the floor. Blood spots EVERY WHERE! I jump up and see the top of his food oozing blood. Now that he notices that I see it he starts yelling Owweeee DON'T TOUCH IT. I get him cleaned up and give him a band aid after fighting him to do it. Once again was he afraid I would hurt him? Why would he not tell me he was bleeding?

3rd example. He was at school on the play ground. Teacher says he was whining the entire time he was outside except his turn on the tricycle. She said when he had to get off he started thumb in the mouth crying again and ran off to play on the slide. She said when it was time to go in he was still crying and she looked over at him to find him covered in blood. She checked his mouth and at some point he bit right though the center of his tongue. I'm talking the width of an adult pinkie finger tip could fit in the opening. Never ONCE did he go to the teacher and tell her he was bleeding or hurt and his whining was at its normal tone, not like he was in pain or distress. Even after I came and picked him up he never once complained while eating or drinking that his tongue was hurt.

Jack and I have started making a list of things we feel he does that is not normal behavior. These are just the tip of the iceberg. I have a large packet of paperwork I have to finish still and some other documents I have to get together to have him seen by a behavioral pediatrician. I'm really not sure what to do for him. All I know is the behavior is getting worse, not better.

I do notice it is worse when he is around Ava or other children. When he was home sick a few weeks ago he was rather well behaved.

He has a lot of other tiny issues like he still can't dress himself, he also can not pull his pants up or take his shirt off consistently..making potty training hard.

He hates being dirty. He does not like any kind of textures to touch his hands. He "W sits". He hardly ever takes his thumb from his mouth and always has to have a blanket in hand under his nose while thumb sucking.  He does not like anything cold except MY soda. LOL He even drinks his pediasure warm and won't touch his milk unless it has chocolate in it and has sat for a bit. He is overbearing. He can't sit next to you. He has to be touching you in some form all the time. He is constantly digging his feet into me or sitting so close to me I can't move. Poor Ava gets the brunt of this. He follows her around like a puppy. She can't go to the bathroom without him being there.

On the other hand he is smart. He know A LOT more than Ava did at his age. He even answers some of her school questions when we do her home work. He counts well, he can sing the alphabet, recognized most of them by sight and sound. He can do very basic adding and subtracting. If I can just find more time to work with him one on one I think he can really thrive academically.

He is atleast asking for food now. Even though it is only things he wants to eat and has reached the 50% for height and weight. When he poops I make him take off his pull up and get in the shower and wash his on behind. He will NOT tell me when he goes. When I smell him and ask. He will tell me yes then I go tell him to take care of it. He runs off crying like I just punished him and usually does it. He will pee in his diapers and take them off now to. Just can't get him to GO on the toilet. We have tried the naked things and underwear he just pees and poops and walks around rubbing it into anything he sits on in my house without saying a word until you step in it or Ava tells on him.

So PLEASE tell me if he is "being a boy"? If this is how boys are, I'm sure glad Hannah is a girl. :-)

This was the day after he injured his tongue.



No one is safe to go to the bathroom alone. This was him hounding me in the bathroom.

I had Andrew and Jacob shirts made for March of Dimes

He likes to hold Jacob's hand when they are coming home off the bus.

He wore these almost he entire time we were at Outback and refused to take them off. He screamed if you touch them.

Happy Easter!

Andrew Ava Hannah and Jacob

Playing with Jacob's bubbles

He was really excited about his airplane

This 10 1/2 month old baby started walking a few days ago!

She pretty much told me this was the best I was going to get and that there was no way I was getting a smile and that i was lucky she was keeping the bow in.

My baby is almost 6!

My sweet Jacob. I can never get him to look at me. Looking for the TV is always more important than looking at mommy.

The Easter Bunny made a trail to the easter baskets

My babies baskets. We shopped on a budget this year getting almost everything on clearance throughout the year. Some stuff was 70% after July 4th last year, some clearance Christmas toys. The candy bunnies came from Aldi. I was worried about it tasting bad and I must say it taste good and much better than the cheap chocolate you normally find in the Easter section!

My triplets Not a day or holiday goes by that Logan is not remembered from the missing 5th basket to the 3rd blue shirt. The missing face in every picture. I love you baby boy. We vsisted his grave yesterday and left an easter egg tree.

Nasty G-tube site and BOWS

Not sure I have mentioned my bow making before, but I started making hair bows as a hobby early December. They are definitely not the most beautiful bows you can find, but I am pretty happy with them and they get better and better all the time. I'm currently working on learning some new techniques. I post most of my work that I make at www.facebook.com/hannahbowbannahboutique. Check them out...some are for sale ;-)

That being said I started making them to match Hannah and Ava's outfits. Hannah refuses to wear a headband. Ava likes the idea of pretty bows and goes to school with 1 in her hair every day, but it is off by the time she comes home. I recently discovered I can get a tiny sprout of hair up with a rubber band on Hannah and I have snuck a few bows in that have stayed for awhile. Yay! Can you believe Hannah is 9 months old already!!!!! Crawls all over the place and I'm pretty sure she will be up and walking in the next month or 2.

Okay mom leave me alone!

Why me?

A bow on my head and my cloths? Really?

Screw it! Im going to sleep

Practice bow I made the other night. (date on pictures is not correct) I was kinda happy with how it turned out. Ava wore this one to school today for Valentine's Day

I made this for my niece Faith. I think it is pretty awesome!

Made this for Ava for Easter

Just a random bow I made to play with the new crowns I got in the mail. My cousin is buying this one :-)

Just another random bow. I wanted to make something green :-)

 

 



 Now on to Jacob. His site got nasty more than a month ago at this point. I have never had an issue with with any kind of granulation tissue or leaking. So far we have tried antibiotic creams, steroid creams, and a a longer button. It is still very raw and nasty. He has not tolerated tummy since this started. We have been to GI twice and I go back again with him at 3:30 today. I'm not sure what else to do. They have also used silver nitrate stick to stop the bleeding twice as well.

Other than than the children have been good. Andrew has bad behavior every day at school...not really sure what to do about it. Ava is doing well over all. I took her for an eye exam the other day. I was worried she may need glasses. I was told she was slightly farsighted, but he did not recommend glasses for her. Ava was kinda upset. She had her eye on a pair of hello kitty glasses :-)

Logan's 3rd Angelversery

HAPPY ANGELVERSERY TO MY BABY BOY!

Not so much a happy occasion for your mom and dad, but a celebration for you. Today marks the day of no more pain and suffering for you. Today 3 years ago you earned your place in the arms of our Lord and Savior. I pray for you often. I pray for healing for our family. I pray for healing for Jacob. I pray for peace for you dad.

 



When this blog posts it will be exactly 3 years since your heart stopped beating while I held you in my arms. In the past 3 years I have met so many other parents who have been right where I have been. Nothing ever makes it easier and there is still no words to comfort a parents who has just lost a child rather they pass before they took their 1st breath or lived into adulthood. Even though I have been there. I don't know what to say.

The pain of your loss is still there and I'm sure it will never go away. I have accepted that I can't bring you back and trust in God that I will see you again one day. This brings be comfort and I have peace that you are not suffering. Now that years have passed the tears don't fall like they used to when the pain was so fresh and raw.  My heart does not feel like it is being ripped in two when I hear another child with your name. Every now and then I get blind sided off guard and I cry and hurt for you out of the blue. My arms still ache to hold you.

Your sister being born in May helped heal part of me that has been an endless hole since your death. Nothing will ever replace you, but looking at her so healthy and big. It was wonderful to bring my baby home with me this time and watch her develop and grow normally. When I look at her sometimes I see you. The little line down her forehead is just like yours. When I look at the back of her head it reminds me of you and you long little hairs when you laid on your side while isolated in the tiny room you lived in in Pod 1.

I love how Ava understand that you are her brother and that you lived. She likes to go to the cemetery and clean your headstone with me and put new flowers on your grave. She draws pictures of our family. When I ask where you are she points at the pictures and says you live in our hearts with God. Sometimes she even cries and tells me she misses her baby brother Logan. Andrew still doesn't understand. Jacob is just Jacob he is part of you and you are part of him. I look at him and struggle to see 2 of him. He has such handsome features. You would have been such a beautiful child.
I wish so badly I could have had both my brown eyed brown hair baby boys and my blond hair blue eyed boy running and playing together. That fantasy never goes away. I feel bad for Andrew. He clings to Ava and neither pay a ton of attention to Jacob. Our family was robbed from having you in our lives. Jacob was robbed from having a normal life. Andrew was robbed from having brothers he could laugh, run, and play with. Even though the pain lessons, I'm not sure the "should have" and "could have been" moments from broken hopes and dreams ever goes away.

I hate what twin to twin transfusion, prematurity, and RSV has taken from our lives. You have changed my life just as much today as you did the moment you were born and the moment your heart pumped for the last time. My arms will always ache to hold you against my chest just one more time. I will forever have visions of birthday parties, 1st days of school, family pictures, and many other moment with all 3 of my triplets alive and healthy. I miss and love you with every ounce of my body.

This was your dad's facebook post yesterday: Well tomorrow is the day of Logan's deathiversery, 3 years later. I am still in sorrow and depression. I still have negative bad feelings towards Winnie Palmer hospital for all they did to Logan. A broken leg, rsv 3 times, a trach, a g tube, a nissen etc etc. He had a few handful of good nurses but, to the bitch that broke his leg and didnt admit to it #5@3&5$ fill in a dirty bad word. Karma is a bitch. Ill cut you. My wife says its to late to do something, its a sad thing that a hospital is sooo powerful that no attorney will touch them. I still get upset and jealous when I see people with 3 healthy triplets and sometimes loose it when someone, i know stranger don't know any better but it affects me, and they say oh are they twins referring to the two survivors. It burns me more when they are surprised that they are brothers just because they are not identical and one is special needs. I was training a new guy the other day and he fought and argued with me that deathiversery is not a word and i told him several times i think i should know, I have it every year. I love you Logan and I know your watching down on us. Not sure how to deal with things, Jacob misses his identical brother.We will not forget you. I have soo much more to say but i will stop now thank you for reading the rant. - Jack G. out

Lastly, We celebrated your life yesterday with our family as today your dad works and wouldn't have been able to do as much. We went to the cemetery and cleaned your headstone as we do every time we go out there. I forgot your flowers at home and will bring them out soon. We wrote messages on balloons to send into they sky. Ava and Andrew let them go and a gust of wind blew them into a tree. We put don't ant poison for all the fire ants that attack us every time we go out there. We were blessed with 20 gallons for free gas from your Grandpa Jerry and then we went out to dinner and just spent time as as family. Today I plan on keeping myself busy and doing what I can to give back to others over the next few weeks. I am teaching a lady how to make boutique hair bows in the morning. Anything I can do to stay positive and remember that you are in a better place than I am and I always will have the promise that I will see you again.

Side 1 of Ava's picture to you. I like how she drew 3 hearts.

Side 2 with 3 more hearts :-)

Message from mommy on 1 of the 3 balloons we sent to the tree for you lol

Message from daddy.

balloon 2

On balloon 3 and a picture drawn by Ava. She said this is her and you together with rainbows and sunshine.

Other side of balloon 2 that has Hannah's message

This picture on balloon 3 was drawn by Andrew.

Ava and Andrew sending the balloons up.

Clean headstone and flowers to come soon. I was going to send Ava's picture up with the balloons and she insisted it stay with your headstone.

David’s Child Dies 2 Samuel 12:16-23

And the Lord afflicted the child that Uriah’s wife bore to David, and he became sick. 16 David therefore sought God on behalf of the child. And David lfasted and went in mand lay all night on the ground. 17 And the elders of his house stood beside him, to raise him from the ground, but he would not, nor did he eat food with them. 18 On the seventh day the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spoke to him, and he did not listen to us. How then can we say to him the child is dead? He may do himself some harm.” 19 But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David understood that the child was dead. And David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.” 20 Then David arose from the earth nand washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord oand worshiped. He then went to his own house. And when he asked, they set food before him, and he ate. 21 Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, youarose and ate food.” 22 He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, p‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ 23 But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, qbut he will not return to me.”