Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Logan's 3rd Angelversery

Not so much a happy occasion for your mom and dad, but a celebration for you. Today marks the day of no more pain and suffering for you. Today 3 years ago you earned your place in the arms of our Lord and Savior. I pray for you often. I pray for healing for our family. I pray for healing for Jacob. I pray for peace for you dad.

When this blog posts it will be exactly 3 years since your heart stopped beating while I held you in my arms. In the past 3 years I have met so many other parents who have been right where I have been. Nothing ever makes it easier and there is still no words to comfort a parents who has just lost a child rather they pass before they took their 1st breath or lived into adulthood. Even though I have been there. I don't know what to say.

The pain of your loss is still there and I'm sure it will never go away. I have accepted that I can't bring you back and trust in God that I will see you again one day. This brings be comfort and I have peace that you are not suffering. Now that years have passed the tears don't fall like they used to when the pain was so fresh and raw.  My heart does not feel like it is being ripped in two when I hear another child with your name. Every now and then I get blind sided off guard and I cry and hurt for you out of the blue. My arms still ache to hold you.

Your sister being born in May helped heal part of me that has been an endless hole since your death. Nothing will ever replace you, but looking at her so healthy and big. It was wonderful to bring my baby home with me this time and watch her develop and grow normally. When I look at her sometimes I see you. The little line down her forehead is just like yours. When I look at the back of her head it reminds me of you and you long little hairs when you laid on your side while isolated in the tiny room you lived in in Pod 1.

I love how Ava understand that you are her brother and that you lived. She likes to go to the cemetery and clean your headstone with me and put new flowers on your grave. She draws pictures of our family. When I ask where you are she points at the pictures and says you live in our hearts with God. Sometimes she even cries and tells me she misses her baby brother Logan. Andrew still doesn't understand. Jacob is just Jacob he is part of you and you are part of him. I look at him and struggle to see 2 of him. He has such handsome features. You would have been such a beautiful child.
I wish so badly I could have had both my brown eyed brown hair baby boys and my blond hair blue eyed boy running and playing together. That fantasy never goes away. I feel bad for Andrew. He clings to Ava and neither pay a ton of attention to Jacob. Our family was robbed from having you in our lives. Jacob was robbed from having a normal life. Andrew was robbed from having brothers he could laugh, run, and play with. Even though the pain lessons, I'm not sure the "should have" and "could have been" moments from broken hopes and dreams ever goes away.

I hate what twin to twin transfusion, prematurity, and RSV has taken from our lives. You have changed my life just as much today as you did the moment you were born and the moment your heart pumped for the last time. My arms will always ache to hold you against my chest just one more time. I will forever have visions of birthday parties, 1st days of school, family pictures, and many other moment with all 3 of my triplets alive and healthy. I miss and love you with every ounce of my body.

This was your dad's facebook post yesterday: Well tomorrow is the day of Logan's deathiversery, 3 years later. I am still in sorrow and depression. I still have negative bad feelings towards Winnie Palmer hospital for all they did to Logan. A broken leg, rsv 3 times, a trach, a g tube, a nissen etc etc. He had a few handful of good nurses but, to the bitch that broke his leg and didnt admit to it #5@3&5$ fill in a dirty bad word. Karma is a bitch. Ill cut you. My wife says its to late to do something, its a sad thing that a hospital is sooo powerful that no attorney will touch them. I still get upset and jealous when I see people with 3 healthy triplets and sometimes loose it when someone, i know stranger don't know any better but it affects me, and they say oh are they twins referring to the two survivors. It burns me more when they are surprised that they are brothers just because they are not identical and one is special needs. I was training a new guy the other day and he fought and argued with me that deathiversery is not a word and i told him several times i think i should know, I have it every year. I love you Logan and I know your watching down on us. Not sure how to deal with things, Jacob misses his identical brother.We will not forget you. I have soo much more to say but i will stop now thank you for reading the rant. - Jack G. out

Lastly, We celebrated your life yesterday with our family as today your dad works and wouldn't have been able to do as much. We went to the cemetery and cleaned your headstone as we do every time we go out there. I forgot your flowers at home and will bring them out soon. We wrote messages on balloons to send into they sky. Ava and Andrew let them go and a gust of wind blew them into a tree. We put don't ant poison for all the fire ants that attack us every time we go out there. We were blessed with 20 gallons for free gas from your Grandpa Jerry and then we went out to dinner and just spent time as as family. Today I plan on keeping myself busy and doing what I can to give back to others over the next few weeks. I am teaching a lady how to make boutique hair bows in the morning. Anything I can do to stay positive and remember that you are in a better place than I am and I always will have the promise that I will see you again.

Side 1 of Ava's picture to you. I like how she drew 3 hearts.

Side 2 with 3 more hearts :-)

Message from mommy on 1 of the 3 balloons we sent to the tree for you lol

Message from daddy.

balloon 2

On balloon 3 and a picture drawn by Ava. She said this is her and you together with rainbows and sunshine.

Other side of balloon 2 that has Hannah's message

This picture on balloon 3 was drawn by Andrew.

Ava and Andrew sending the balloons up.

Clean headstone and flowers to come soon. I was going to send Ava's picture up with the balloons and she insisted it stay with your headstone.

David’s Child Dies 2 Samuel 12:16-23

And the Lord afflicted the child that Uriah’s wife bore to David, and he became sick. 16 David therefore sought God on behalf of the child. And David lfasted and went in mand lay all night on the ground. 17 And the elders of his house stood beside him, to raise him from the ground, but he would not, nor did he eat food with them. 18 On the seventh day the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spoke to him, and he did not listen to us. How then can we say to him the child is dead? He may do himself some harm.” 19 But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David understood that the child was dead. And David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.” 20 Then David arose from the earth nand washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord oand worshiped. He then went to his own house. And when he asked, they set food before him, and he ate. 21 Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, youarose and ate food.” 22 He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, p‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ 23 But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, qbut he will not return to me.”

No comments:

Post a Comment