Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Holidays and Child Loss

I was picking Ava up from school today and she tells me. "Mommy, I painted a picture today at school." I ask her what she painted. "A picture of Logan with God." Immediately tears start falling down my face driving down the road. She went on to tell me about how she has to make him a present. Then she totally went off on something different. She then told me about Mary and how she had a baby...but then she told me Mary's baby was named Logan too and that he grew up and died. Then I corrected her that Mary's baby was named Jesus and that his birthday is on Christmas and we celebrate his birth by giving each other presents. I think it is sweet that she thinks about her baby brother even though she gets it confused with everything else.

Not many people talk to me about him. I'm sure it is because they don't want to make me cry etc... Normally talking about Logan does not make me cry. I enjoy talking about all my children. Ava just caught me off guard because I didn't expect her to think about him next to God. We explain to her that Logan died because he was sick and could not breath and that he lives in Heaven with God...but when we visit his grave she still calls the cemetery "God" and she understands he is buried in the ground by his head stone.

I guess I was just extra emotional because I decorated the Christmas tree yesterday. I put up the babies 1st Christmas ornament. They all hang on the same branch because it was the only Christmas they were all alive. I also hung their ornaments I bought last year. I found the perfect ones. 1 is a baby with wings that I wrote his name on and a message on the back about his 1st Christmas in Heaven. The other 2 are babies with wreaths with 2010 on them. I wrote Andrew and Jacob's names on those.

November-January puts Logan on my mind more than normal. I think every few days "What was going on with him 2 years ago on this day?" I have this blog as a reference to when he was sick or well. I constantly think "Was this the week in November when he almost died? Was this week he was on nitric oxide?" I would go on to remember him being very swollen and I remember praying at his bedside begging God to heal his lungs. Then after several days my miracle happened .He started getting better. His oxygen needs went lower and lower. I remember him becoming well enough to go to surgery to have the trach placed. December 2009 was a month full of anticipation of him coming home. I remember him being weened off the vent. I remember the heart breaking disappointment when he went on isolation late December for another hospital acquired infection(RSV again I think). I remember him being on isolation for what seemed like the millionth time on Christmas day. I remember not being able to take the kids to see him. He was having a hard time breathing on Christmas..I believe they even had to bag him. Then end of December brought better news and lower oxygen settings. I remember him being nearly on room air. The beginning of January he had a g-tube placed and a hernia repair. He never totally rebound after surgery. I remember him slowly requiring more and more oxygen and the staff assuring me he was still on track to go home by early February. Then the smack in the face happened January 27th. He went bad...really bad. He got worse every day until the day I decided to let him go. January 30, 2010. I nearly regret that decision every day. At first I didn't regret it. Now I constantly wonder if God still had that last miracle waiting for him. You know how you read these stories about babies that had been pronounced dead and suddenly come back 20-30 minutes later. Maybe I lost hope and faith to fast? Maybe I should have held out until he was officially pronounced brain dead? I feel I was selfishly think that he would be permanently brain damaged after the unreadable co2 levels etc. I remember thinking about how I did not want him to live a life on a vent with catastrophic brain injuries. I remember thinking about how I did not want 2 brain damaged children....so maybe part of me having the vent turned off was selfish? What if today he was that walking miracle child that defied all medical science? They exist but I gave up.....I was not strong enough to fight anymore so I convinced myself that my decision was best. I do think of all the pain and suffering he endured during his short life but it will never stop me from wanting him every day.

My heart still swells with joy when I see the children and adults who have beaten the odds and over come something life threatening .I do believe that God had a hand in their survival. In the back on my mind though I am angry that I can not give the testimonial of my brave little boy beating the odds. Then my thoughts turn to Jacob and how I used to live in denial that he was not going to be profoundly disabled. As days, weeks, and months pass I feel like the hope of that miracle is slipping away as well. He will do something so simple as suck on a pacifier by himself for 30 seconds and bring me joy...then he just stops.

Jacob had his 6 month review for early steps with his physical therapist and his early interventionist. He is still around a 3-4 month old developmental level.  Andrew was nearly caught up but some thing he was behind at an 18-20 month old level.

I ask my friends for prayers for the new year. Pray for me and my family the prayers I have a hard time doing myself. I defiantly need someone to lift me up in prayer to pull me out of this funk. Hoping 2012 bring great things to my family. We have something really big happening mid 2012 :-)

Or Tree

2010 ornaments...must buy all the kids for this year still :-)

Logan's grave getting festive. We never quit finished it. Last year it was decked out with garland and Christmas statues.


  1. Your post made me cry! So sweet

  2. Jennifer, I live with the wonder if there was one last miracle waiting for my son, too. The ever-lasting question if we were too soon in the decision to let him go, just to hold him as he slipped away.

    But we can't live that way, hopefully one day we will find peace in the thought that our sons are safe in the arms of Jesus and that one day we will hold them again...

    What kind of ornaments are you looking for for the kids this year?