Monday, May 9, 2011

Confessions of a Sad Heart

Belated Happy Mother's Day to all the moms with their babies and to all the moms who's babies are in Heaven. I hope everyone had a great day. I spent my Mother's Day at work in the crappiest area in the ER to work! My hubby did his usual cheap sweetness..which I totally love! I woke up to find a lunch box on my night stand with an ice pack in it. Under the ice pack I found a KING SIZE Snicker bar, Rolos, and a 20 oz Mellow Yellow. (totally nutritious breakfast) On the outside pocket of the lunch box was a $5 and $1 scratch off lotto ticket (won back the $5 on the $5 ticket lol) and Happy Mother's Day written on a napkin. LOL I absolutely love his "gifts" like this. They are way more special to me than an expensive gift and a store bought card...which I will throw away anyway. Thanks Jack for making me feel special on my way to work yesterday. I also got a hand made card Ava made a school from Ava on Thursday.

I don't remember feeling sad last year on Mother's Day. I swear. I read all of these blog from other moms with new and old grief and it brings up all kinds of new and raw feelings I did not know I had. So of course I have been missing Logan like crazy all week. I have a weird kinda way of dealing with it. When the boys were born I was given these blue and white stripped rag angel doll things for me to put my "stink" on. You are suppose to sleep with them put them in your bra etc to get your smell on them so they can be place in the isolete with the baby as a bonding thing. So the baby know your smell. So I slept with them and smelled them up and gave them to my babies while they fought to live. The older they got in the NICU the less they used them and then they eventually made it to rarely opened drawer in my bedroom. It wasn't until a few months ago that I discovered these dolls again. They have probably been in the drawer since before Logan passed over a year ago. I pulled them out of the drawer awhile ago and put them on my night stand. 1 night I was feeling particularly sad and Jack was still at work. So, I reach over and grabbed all 3 of my "babies" Each baby had either an L, A,or J to represent which baby they belonged to. When I put all 3 of the heads together and shove them down my shirt like I used to when they were 1st born it brings back feelings of warmth and happiness like I felt when I knew all my babies were still with me. I know they were not healthy at the time, but just knowing they were alive gave me comfort. The feeling of "the babies" heads against my heart brought back the feeling of the last moments I had with Logan. His tiny 9 lb body pressed against my chest. I clung to him with every emotion in my body before I had to say goodbye. How my arms long to feel him against my chest again. Just to rock and hold him one last time. To kiss his head while his body was still warm and his heart was still beating against mine. So my "dolls" are special to me. Even though they bring back lots of good and bad memories. I love them and I find myself clinging to them for comfort when I sleep at night like a child would with their favorite blanket.

I found out Friday night around 1120pm my Grandma Dixie passed away. My dad was adopted and his mother who raised him died in 2004. I miss you everyday Grandma Keigans! I was not that close with my Grandma Dixie. I used to hold grudges that really were none of my business about the life choices she made. She had 5 children. Her mother raised her 2 oldest children while she gave her younger 3 up for adoption. I think my dad was 3 when my grandma adopted him. I was not standing in her shoes when she had to make this decision. I was a kid when I found out this and to me I was like this is horrible! Being a mother now, I can relate that she was probably doing what was best for her children. Then I think about God's plan. I think of how I would have never known my Grandma Keigans if my Grandma Dixie did not make this decision. My Grandma Keigans was the one who used to drag us to church every Sunday while we kicked and screamed not to go. It was her and Christ Memorial Baptist Church that initially told me and filled my heart with God's Word. It was her that taught me about church, prayer, and Jesus. Yes my parents told use "Don't have sex before you are married", "Do not steal", etc as well. It was my grandmother and her church that drove it home and into my heart. I got my 1st bible from church with my grandmother. I still have that bible. :-) So without my Grandma Dixie's decisions this part of my life would not have taken place like it did. I was pretty stupid and harbored a lot of ill feelings toward certain people in my life until about a year ago after my son died. When God really spoke to me about forgiveness. Well I forgave my Grandma Dixie for things she had sad that hurt me and for things that were really none of my business that I probably did not know the full story about anyway...since I would never talk to her. She used to call and I would ignore her phone calls. (you would be stuck on the phone FORVER) When we did speak we had pleasant conversations. She did crafts and she made us blankets and pillows. She cared and I pushed her away. Eventually she stopped calling. I know I hurt her feelings and I am sorry I did. Last time I recall seeing her was at Logan's funeral. I remember her driving her electric wheel chair up to Logan's coffin trying to see him. She wanted to see him and remember him because she never got to meet him. At the time this annoyed me because she was not my favorite person. Now it touches my heart that she cared. She loved me and my son enough to show up and be there even though she knew I was pushing her away. Though my stubbornness I never did pick up the phone and call her. To let her know that I really did not hate her and that in fact I did love her even though she annoyed me. She was so proud of me to. She used to tell everyone she came in contact with in the emergency room that I worked there. It was known by my co-workers that if she was ever there while I was working and she asked for me for them to say they did not know me or I was not working today. I suck! I knew I would feel this if I never talked to her before "something bad happened."

Back to what happened...Well Grandma Dixie delivers flowers on busy holidays. She can't do it alone because of her medical issues. She dropped my niece off at my sister's house Friday night after 10pm. She had helped deliver the flowers on Friday. Apparently my grandma then drove a few miles down the road to my Aunt's house. My Cousin lives there and he was to deliver flowers with her on Saturday. She drove over there to make sure he was going to go still. She had been complaining about her legs hurting her really bad all day Friday. My cousin says she was acting right when she left their house..probably thought she was tired since it was so late. She leaves goes around the corner and next thing he knew she had been in an accident. She went off the road, hit a traffic sign, went into a drainage ditch and hit a concrete drainage thing. By the time the fire department got there and was gone. My cousin heard about the accident and ran down to see her. What horror it must have been for him to see her like that. There was an autopsy done on Saturday. They determined she had a stroke which caused the accident. My parents and sister will be here sometime this week. I have no word on when her service will be yet. She is being cremated. Well Grandma Dixie you definitely shocked us and went out with a bang...literally. You are missed by many and I'm sorry I never allowed myself to really know you. I pray you got to enter paradise on Friday. Hug my son for me.

Everything else here is okay. Surprisingly life with 10 people in the house has not been horrible. I am enjoying my friend and her family being here. They seem happy over all. I know they would rather have their own place, but I am glad they are here. I love her and her family so much I want to see them happy.

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