Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Vivid Dream

I rarely dream about anything of any significances or about anything or anyone in particular. Usually they are crazy dreams that don't make any sense. I read a lot of infant loss blogs and hear mothers talking about "signs" or dreams they get from their children who have died. I don't think much into this and would like to believe my son is at peace not "watching over me". I rather think he has no clue that people that love him dearly and think about him constantly heart aches for him on earth. Heaven = bliss and happiness to me, not a tim of heart ache waiting for your loved ones to arrive. I rather he know I'm coming when it is my time, not waiting for me to get there. Everyone is spiritually different and whatever comforts a mourning parent, sibling, etc is perfectly fine..I'm just no one to look for signs etc. Saying this I never dream about him, maybe once or twice that I can't even remember. My husband has had several dreams about him being bigger etc that were very vivid and real to him.

There are days that I miss him so much and feel a longing to be close to him, my arms ache to hold him, and would love to have a wonderful dream about him, even if it was just fantasy of all 3 of them being alive and normal etc. This never happens to me, no signs, no dreams, no paranormal activity over here, my children never "see him" etc like I have had other parents describe, and I'm not really complaining that I want any of that because it would freak me out and ruin my image of him being in perfect bliss.

Saying all this last night I had a rather intense dream that was not even medication induced. LOL I can kinda put reasoning behind some of it, but it still will probably not leave my mind in the near future. In Florida we have had a little cold weather for a few days nice enough to turn the air off and crack the windows open at night. Being 37 1/2 weeks pregnant sleep has not come easy at night..instead I want to sleep all day. So I was in bed at midnight and up by about 1:30 to pee and rotate Jacob in his crib. The house was probably about 68 degrees. I can't recall if this is when the dream started or if it was during my 2nd time I woke up between 3:30-4am. (Jacob was crying and I had to pee once more) Anyways I thinking during the 2nd attempt to go back to sleep I fell asleep and  I must have been dreaming about trying to go to sleep (or so i will continue to believe) I had my eyes closed, but I could see around my room. Then it was like a black fog that slowly took over my vision until everything was nearly pitch black. It got very cold like I was laying on ice. I remember being under the covers and shivering. For some reason (in my dream) I open my eyes to see through the dark foggy room. I'm awake because I am freezing. I'm calm, I'm not afraid. My heart feels Logan's presence in the room. My eyes are searchin the room. I look toward the bottom of the bed and there stands a small boy...he looks a lot like Andrew in height and size, he is grey and foggy though not a solid image. I can not even make out his features and I only looked for a second. My mind is saying is that Andrew at the foot of my bed, but my heart is saying its Logan. No sound, no voice, no warm fuzzy feeling, no sadness or happiness is felt. Just very very cold. I remember glancing at this foggy presence and rolling to my left side and closing my eyes and curling up under the covers again. My eyes being closed in my dream again everything turns black again. No bright lights or happy sun shines or warmth is felt. Instead my heart is aching now about how I want him close to me and I want to hold him so badly just 1 more time. I think about the baby girl I am carrying and imagine how it will feel to hold her warm body close to mine. Next thing I know my dream flashes to black and white images once more. The fog is gone, but my skin is grey. I'm laying in my bed. Everything is black and white down to the blankets on my bed.  It is so very cold. My chest is freezing and I am physically shivering. I look down and in my arms is my son. We are cuddled in the dark, but not pitch black room cuddled up in my blanket while I lay on my side.  He is ice cold he is not in a toddler state this time he is the baby I last held over 2 years ago. he was grey like the black and white pictures I have of him from the day he died. He never moved, he never opened his eyes. He was cold as ice and I just held him. No real emotion to it. I remember feeling so content and at peace though. I woke up shivering in my bed it was almost 8am. It was not cold in the house at this point and I was under my covers shaking like I was standing outside naked in the snow. Upon getting out of bed. Andrew was laying on the floor at the foot of my bed with his blanket.

Pregnancy hormones?

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