Friday, January 30, 2015

5 years have passed by....

Today marks the 5 year anniversary of Logan's death. That means it has been 5 years 6 months and 12 days since the moment mine and my husband's lives changed for forever when I gave birth to my boys at 28 weeks. I never imagined January 2009 a pregnancy resulting in spontaneous triplets would ever happen to me. I never imagined that I would have identical twins or develop any kind of rare pregnancy related condition such as twin to twin transfusion. I never imagined that I would be the parent of not 1 but 3 special needs children. I never imagined that 5 years ago today I would loose a piece of my heart.

To all the other grieving parents out there rather it has been a day or years. I am walking proof that the storm clouds do part and the light shines through again. The pain and disbelief of child loss never goes away. Over time I have become numb to most of it. I try not to think about what I should have done different. "What if I would have never made the decision to turn the ventilator off?" and many other doubts that come across my mind over the years. 5 years later his memory has faded to some. The attention and interest that came with speaking his name and talking about him is gone. The out pours of  compassion and sympathy from friends and family has gone as well. Sometimes I feel ashamed for even mentioning him to friends and family. No one wants to talk about him. Child loss is such a taboo topic to so many.

When I do bring his memory  up, I don't talk about Logan to draw up sympathy. I talk about him because I love him. I am proud to have been his mother. I am proud of every moment he fought to stay with us. I miss him everyday. I still have a deep gratitude and love for every single person who took care of Logan in the NICU. To every person who was there to lend a hand to hold our family up. For all miracles small and large that occurred in our lives during 2009 and 2010. Even though the months before and after the boys were born and the months after Logan's death were some of the hardest moments in my life, they were also by far the most spiritual. Even though my desperate prayers to God pleading for his lungs to heal were not answered in the ways I willed them to be at the same time so much love and comfort surrounded us and lifted our family. I can't even bring myself to look at old blog posts regarding the triplets birth and the 6 1/2 months of posts updating his status. I fear they will bring up emotions I have spent 5 years suppressing down deep. Timehop on facebook is horrible. I had to uninstall the app as it started showing posts regarding Logan. I don't want to be sad anymore.

I made a choice not to dwell on all the things I feel so unjustly happened to my family (well most days). I have let go and forgiven God for not sparing all 3 of my sons from being whole. I forgive  the hospital staff, nurses, and doctors who could have done things differently. After all it is 'God's will' as I have heard more times than I could count.  Most importantly I have forgiven myself and let go of most of the guilt I feel for feeling that I gave up on him and feeling that I did not advocate for to the best of my ability.

The 5 years after his death haven't stopped the heart ache completely and stress in my family. Logan dying didn't end the endless days in doctors offices and therapy appointments my husband and I deal with on a weekly bases with Jacob and Andrew. These are all things that come along with premature babies that unfortunately didn't come away from their early births unscathed. I wake up everyday excepting things for what they are with the understanding I can't change the past and what choices and events have already happened. I live in the moment. I struggle. I still grieve not only for Logan but for Jacob and Andrew as well. The grief is not the raw powerful emotion it once was. It is more of a mental tantrum of 'Why me? Why them?'. I still struggle spiritually. I still struggle with prayer for healing. I haven't come back to the place I once was where I felt God's presence all around me.

Today I choose not to mourn and cry (I may get a little drunk...just saying) but I celebrate the days I had with him. I celebrate his existence. I will take my donation bags of baby items to my favorite not for profit in his honor. I will enjoy a lunch out with my husband and a family dinner tonight. I will put new flowers on his grave and share the memory of my son with anyone willing to read or listen.

Thank you to everyone who has been along for the ride and continued to pray and follow my family's updates. Thank you to everyone who cares about my children and show interest in their well being.
This year's donation to a local organization called Oh My Baby that donates bags of newborn necessities to new mothers in need before they bring their baby home from the hospital.

I love this quote. I have a longer version of this same quote on the wall in the boys room.

I spent some time this week going through all the photos I have of Logan just looking for some that I haven't shared a million times. Well some I have, but those are just my favorites.

This is my absolute favorite moment with him. It was about 3 days after he had the trach placed maybe less...but it was the 1st time I seen him grasp an object in his hand much less wave it around as if he was playing with it. I was so tickled by his little accomplishment and proud of him. 

This was the 1st time Logan was taken off the vent and off Cpap. It didn't last very long but it was still wonderful to see him like this when I walked into the NICU that day. Shortly after this photo was taken he tested positive for RSV and his little life got so much harder. 

One of the many time before the trach they tried to extubate him and put him on CPap. This was taken right after they pulled the tube before they placed the CPap mask on his face.

This picture reminds me how much Logan and Jacob act alike. Logan wanted nothing but to watch his mobile. This was taken before the bird mobile he loved so much. He didn't want nothing to do with us most of the time. He just threw a fit until the mobile started moving and the music came on. Jacob does the same thing to this day with his Mickey Mouse club house. Throwing fits when it is not his favorite episode or when the channel is changed. I like to think that they would both have the same love for Mickey.

The day I brought Andrew and Jacob home. I had no doubt at that time that Logan would join them eventually.

This was taken the 1st time Logan got really really sick. This time he pulled though. This was just days before the trach was placed.

This was the 1st time daddy got to hold Logan. I remember his tube accidentally came out of place during all the movement of putting him back in his bed and he had to be reintubated. Jack was so upset, but look at how proud he looks getting to hold his son. A memory caught that we will cherish forever.

One of the few pictures of his eyes open and looking around. Logan and Jacob share the same deep brown eyes that melt my heart.

Taken days before he got really sick and almost died the 1st time. Just showing us what a strong willed little boy he was.

The 1st time I got to hold him when he was not intubated.

Jack called the Cpap mask his scubba diving mask. Andrew sported the same style for a good month.

Holding my baby the day I made the hardest decision of my life to let him go. We were waiting for my sister to get there with my other babies before we moved to a room to spend our last moments with him.

Jack getting to hold his son before we let him go.

The date is wrong on the picture. The last facial picture I have of him in color before he passed away.
I love you forever sweet baby boy.

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