Tonight turned out to be a total shame. I'm trying. I'm trying so freaking hard! To stay positive. Think positive. Let God take control. I'm trying not to cry, and not self loathing. I put up inspirational bible verses in my house...good reading material in the bathroom and on the kitchen cabinets. Things to remind myself that I'm not in control, that God is. Verses to calm my anxieties.
Life is just getting so hard right now. Now, on top of everything else that is broke, or needs to be paid...the van broke. I think the alternator is out. Everything that is power including the radio, the digital mileage display, brake light etc were flashing and you can hear the van sputtering for lack of any other word to describe it..and I have no way to pay to get it fixed.
Christine even left yesterday. The stress and anxiety in this house is so high she left to get away from the "stress" said she is staying at her mom's house to "unwind." She claims it is not me, but I'm still offended. I feel like no matter what I do I can't win. I try and I try and nothing seems to go right. Apparently I am not allowed to be down or depressed. I guess I did not hid my feelings for a few days and it just hurt everyone else even more. I guess I am not allowed to wallow in my own self pity not even for a day. So I prayed. I prayed hard. I asked a friend for some guidance. I didn't even go to church tonight like I planned because my sister was coming over with her kids. I was excited. She NEVER comes over and the kids were spending the night and I have not watched them in probably more than a year. The kids were all excited to go swimming tomorrow.
So all was going well. Jack was napping when she arrived. The kids went out side to play and jump on the trampoline. Then after awhile Jack woke up and was in the kitchen the kids came inside wanting these frozen ice things. I told Jack earlier that we were watching my 2 nephews and my sister's "grandson". Well, Jack apparently did not hear that...so like a charm Jack bust out with "Who's that Fucking Mexican fellow there." and points at him. My sister spins around and smacks him and tells him not to say that and he SAYS IT AGAIN. This of course offends my sister and this 8 year old little boy. Jack stands their dumb founded apparently not even realizing why anyone is upset. Long story short, I find my sister out in the car crying and next thing I know she has the kids pack all their stuff up and they leave. My kids are crying because they are leaving, her kids are crying because they have to leave and in the end their is a hurt little 8 year old boy that did nothing wrong. My husband swears he did not say that and is now ranting around the house because it turn into an all out fight. I'm crying, kids are crying, my sister is crying and gone. He says he said "who's that little Mexican feller there" the point is we don't walk around saying "who's that little white boy or who's that little black boy?"I guess he could not just say "Who is that?" So, my sister who is protecting her children and her "grandson" LEFT. So, once again I have not done anything wrong and because of my husband's big fucking mouth me and my children have been punished. This is not the 1st time my husband has made a hurtful comment that left my sister packing her kids up and leaving or just not bring them over at all. To top it off he is ranting around the house turning it all around that my sister left and is "punishing his children" etc... Like I said I can't win. So, I missed church and my kids are not getting to enjoy a sleep over with their cousins...all because of my husband does not think before he speaks...then he always swears he did not say what ever he said.
On a brighter note. Jacob has been fabulous. No vomiting in a few days. He is alert and happy. He was in the pacer today with the physical therapist and took 10 STEPS in a row on his own. He also did well for the vision therapist. We put him back in the pacer when the early interventionist came and he took a few more steps with her. I love when he does so well. He is getting better with his head control and trunk control. I don't know if I mentioned it already, but I had to mail back the Charleywrap to New Zealand. She is going to readjust it so it fits him better. Argh! So with shipping this thing has cost $538.
Andrew and Ava are fighting over crayons right now. My walls and changing table have been nicely decorated with Andrew scribble. Jack and Alex did a good job sweating their butts off getting the yard ready for the big birthday party on Monday. I spent most of the day cleaning the kitchen. Tonight or tomorrow I have to tackle the living room and bathroom. Trying not to let tonight's negatives get to me. My sister said she would bring the kids over tomorrow to go swimming. She did not want to leave them here after Jack's comment because Jack will have them tomorrow morning. I work for 4 hours in the morning. I think I am just going to get the kids ready and head to bed now after I nice long shower. :-)
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