Sad

I don't know if I should be watching Logan's videos over and over again or not. I have been watching them for a few days ALOT. I think I have cried harder now than I did when it was happening. Just as I felt like I had totally excepted he was not here and it didn't seem to hurt so bad, I first watched the Now I lay me down to sleep movie then the slide show if his life that I made. Then I have watched them over and over again for 3 days now. This is what happens when Jack works and I am left home by myself with all the kids. It hurts! I hurts bad. I figured it was better to vent here than on my facebook. Oh I don't know. I need to go buy something. Buying things makes me happy, but I am trying to be responsible. Ugh!

Ava is feeding the dog Lilly potato chips. Yes I did feed my daughter chips and dip for breakfast. I didn't have the urge to make something and force her to eat it. I ate chips and dip for breakfast to. So much for dieting I had pizza, taco bell, burger king and a whole bunch of m&ms over the past few days. I have a cabinet full of semi healthy stuff I bought to eat, but don't want to make it.

I sat on the phone with the GI doctor for Jacob for over 40 minutes yesterday. They SUCK! We decided that he does not need the ph prob anymore. Just the swallow eval. So then after they kept me on hold for 40 minutes yesterday and said they would call back, they finally did this morning. Bright and early at 830, just when I thought I would get a few extra minutes of sleep. I have to schedule that appointment still. The reason for the swallow eval is to see if he is aspirating because he chocks and gags his bottles down. I decided not to wait on them. I went out last night and bought a huge can of Thick It from Walgreens not to bad only $20 and added it to his bottle. He drank about 6oz out of it without any issues. I was impressed. He does usually finish a 9oz bottle, but he also had 3oz of baby food. This morning I did the same mixture and he at 5oz of thickened formula and 3 oz of baby food and I mix his happy meds in about an oz of formula. It did take him FOREVER to eat the formula. He is whining now. I might be able to get him to finish the last 4 oz of this bottle. He did gag one time during his feeding this morning.

Andrew not only discovered he has hands a few weeks ago, he know realizes he has feet as well. LOL Both kids are teething I do believe. Poor Jacob has not developed the ability to chew on his hand like Andrew. I feel bad for him, he has no way of comforting himself when he is in pain. I made a joke on facebook yesterday about Andrew and his drooling. Stating I think he needs a diaper under his chin. Then I came to the conclusion the only thing that could hold that drool was the as seen on tv Sham WOW! LOL then I envision lovely sham wow bibs with a plastic liner on the back. I WOULD BE RICH LOL I should make one. Ha ha ha The drool bib.

Jacob is still crying over there in the swing. Kinda annoying me. Its really hard to get up and feed the kids and take care of them when you don't even have the desire to get out of bed. I love that Jack is on nights, because I feel like he is home more, but I hate that he bitches about being tired all the time even on his days off when he slept all night. I like to get up and go on his day off. It is the only time I feel like I get to leave the house. Instead I have to wait until his nap time is over, then I still won't be able to go anywhere because he has a doctor appointment. Ugh, the more I think about it the more depressed I am feeling about sitting here all day!

I'm really torn about what to do with some extra money we were blessed with.

The shopping part of me: I want things that will make me happy like a hot tub, I want to improve my house by replacing the carpet in the living area of my house, and I want to reface my cabinets that are nasty.

The repaying debt part of me from to much shopping :-): Thinks I should take all the money and put a big dent in the unsecured debt I owe.

The selfish part of me: Wants to keep all the money and sit on it and do nothing (which then I know over time I will slowly dip into it and it will be gone with nothing to show for it)

So the compromising part of me: Jack really wants a hot tub: Instead of buying new we buy used one craigs list..then we have to pay to install outlet and pour concrete slab to make our back patio bigger. Still only about a 1/3 on the price of just a new decent hot tub. I do think we will be buying this on Sunday.

Next I want to replace all the carpet in the dining room, living room and halls. It is nasty and is a very lite tan color it is 2 years old and looks like crap. I am debating on settling on a cheaper laminate or the one I like. I think I actually like the cheaper one better now. This will bring the price down several hundred dollars :-)

I also plan on replacing the tile in the entry way and taking out the ugly peeling up flooring in the kitchen and laundry room and replacing it with tile.

Well, if I am doing all that I might as well replace the surface of the kitchen cabinets which has been chipped off during our adventure to install our dishwasher awhile back. I am currently waiting on a quote before I make my final decision

Believe it or not even after doing all that there will still be some money left to put a smaller dent in some bills.

I'm not jumping to any conclusions on my plans at the moment. I am praying about it, but I really feel like this money was meant to improve our lives. Both ways will improve our lives but man I am just so greedy I don't want to spend it all paying back evil credit cards.

Oh well I feel better that I have vented my feelings. Jack just woke up because his phone was ringing. Ava is being mean to him now.