https://m.marchforbabies.org/march/personal_page.asp?pp=3575630&ct=4&w=6994432&u=nenebeesmurfy2&bt=34
Monday, April 20, 2015
walking for our boys this Saturday.
We are walking for the 3rd year in a row for March for Dimes this Saturday. I so excited.
https://m.marchforbabies.org/march/personal_page.asp?pp=3575630&ct=4&w=6994432&u=nenebeesmurfy2&bt=34
This was from last year's walk.
https://m.marchforbabies.org/march/personal_page.asp?pp=3575630&ct=4&w=6994432&u=nenebeesmurfy2&bt=34
Saturday, April 11, 2015
HAPPY EASTER
We went to Pensacola, FL over Easter Weekend. We switched vehicles with my dad. We needed a bigger 2nd vehicle and he liked my car. I have a vehicle with a hitch now that I can put a wheelchair ramp on for Jacob! Yay! Everyone is doing well. It is most birthday season. Hannah will be 3 in a few weeks. I can't believe it is almost time for summer vacation. We are waiting for Jacob to trial eye gaze technology. Ava had all A's on her last interim report. Andrew and Jacob are about to have their exit meetings that will prepare us for them to go to kindergarten next year.
Friday, January 30, 2015
5 years have passed by....
Today marks the 5 year anniversary of Logan's death. That means it has been 5 years 6 months and 12 days since the moment mine and my husband's lives changed for forever when I gave birth to my boys at 28 weeks. I never imagined January 2009 a pregnancy resulting in spontaneous triplets would ever happen to me. I never imagined that I would have identical twins or develop any kind of rare pregnancy related condition such as twin to twin transfusion. I never imagined that I would be the parent of not 1 but 3 special needs children. I never imagined that 5 years ago today I would loose a piece of my heart.
To all the other grieving parents out there rather it has been a day or years. I am walking proof that the storm clouds do part and the light shines through again. The pain and disbelief of child loss never goes away. Over time I have become numb to most of it. I try not to think about what I should have done different. "What if I would have never made the decision to turn the ventilator off?" and many other doubts that come across my mind over the years. 5 years later his memory has faded to some. The attention and interest that came with speaking his name and talking about him is gone. The out pours of compassion and sympathy from friends and family has gone as well. Sometimes I feel ashamed for even mentioning him to friends and family. No one wants to talk about him. Child loss is such a taboo topic to so many.
When I do bring his memory up, I don't talk about Logan to draw up sympathy. I talk about him because I love him. I am proud to have been his mother. I am proud of every moment he fought to stay with us. I miss him everyday. I still have a deep gratitude and love for every single person who took care of Logan in the NICU. To every person who was there to lend a hand to hold our family up. For all miracles small and large that occurred in our lives during 2009 and 2010. Even though the months before and after the boys were born and the months after Logan's death were some of the hardest moments in my life, they were also by far the most spiritual. Even though my desperate prayers to God pleading for his lungs to heal were not answered in the ways I willed them to be at the same time so much love and comfort surrounded us and lifted our family. I can't even bring myself to look at old blog posts regarding the triplets birth and the 6 1/2 months of posts updating his status. I fear they will bring up emotions I have spent 5 years suppressing down deep. Timehop on facebook is horrible. I had to uninstall the app as it started showing posts regarding Logan. I don't want to be sad anymore.
I made a choice not to dwell on all the things I feel so unjustly happened to my family (well most days). I have let go and forgiven God for not sparing all 3 of my sons from being whole. I forgive the hospital staff, nurses, and doctors who could have done things differently. After all it is 'God's will' as I have heard more times than I could count. Most importantly I have forgiven myself and let go of most of the guilt I feel for feeling that I gave up on him and feeling that I did not advocate for to the best of my ability.
The 5 years after his death haven't stopped the heart ache completely and stress in my family. Logan dying didn't end the endless days in doctors offices and therapy appointments my husband and I deal with on a weekly bases with Jacob and Andrew. These are all things that come along with premature babies that unfortunately didn't come away from their early births unscathed. I wake up everyday excepting things for what they are with the understanding I can't change the past and what choices and events have already happened. I live in the moment. I struggle. I still grieve not only for Logan but for Jacob and Andrew as well. The grief is not the raw powerful emotion it once was. It is more of a mental tantrum of 'Why me? Why them?'. I still struggle spiritually. I still struggle with prayer for healing. I haven't come back to the place I once was where I felt God's presence all around me.
Today I choose not to mourn and cry (I may get a little drunk...just saying) but I celebrate the days I had with him. I celebrate his existence. I will take my donation bags of baby items to my favorite not for profit in his honor. I will enjoy a lunch out with my husband and a family dinner tonight. I will put new flowers on his grave and share the memory of my son with anyone willing to read or listen.
Thank you to everyone who has been along for the ride and continued to pray and follow my family's updates. Thank you to everyone who cares about my children and show interest in their well being.
I spent some time this week going through all the photos I have of Logan just looking for some that I haven't shared a million times. Well some I have, but those are just my favorites.
I love you forever sweet baby boy.
To all the other grieving parents out there rather it has been a day or years. I am walking proof that the storm clouds do part and the light shines through again. The pain and disbelief of child loss never goes away. Over time I have become numb to most of it. I try not to think about what I should have done different. "What if I would have never made the decision to turn the ventilator off?" and many other doubts that come across my mind over the years. 5 years later his memory has faded to some. The attention and interest that came with speaking his name and talking about him is gone. The out pours of compassion and sympathy from friends and family has gone as well. Sometimes I feel ashamed for even mentioning him to friends and family. No one wants to talk about him. Child loss is such a taboo topic to so many.
When I do bring his memory up, I don't talk about Logan to draw up sympathy. I talk about him because I love him. I am proud to have been his mother. I am proud of every moment he fought to stay with us. I miss him everyday. I still have a deep gratitude and love for every single person who took care of Logan in the NICU. To every person who was there to lend a hand to hold our family up. For all miracles small and large that occurred in our lives during 2009 and 2010. Even though the months before and after the boys were born and the months after Logan's death were some of the hardest moments in my life, they were also by far the most spiritual. Even though my desperate prayers to God pleading for his lungs to heal were not answered in the ways I willed them to be at the same time so much love and comfort surrounded us and lifted our family. I can't even bring myself to look at old blog posts regarding the triplets birth and the 6 1/2 months of posts updating his status. I fear they will bring up emotions I have spent 5 years suppressing down deep. Timehop on facebook is horrible. I had to uninstall the app as it started showing posts regarding Logan. I don't want to be sad anymore.
I made a choice not to dwell on all the things I feel so unjustly happened to my family (well most days). I have let go and forgiven God for not sparing all 3 of my sons from being whole. I forgive the hospital staff, nurses, and doctors who could have done things differently. After all it is 'God's will' as I have heard more times than I could count. Most importantly I have forgiven myself and let go of most of the guilt I feel for feeling that I gave up on him and feeling that I did not advocate for to the best of my ability.
The 5 years after his death haven't stopped the heart ache completely and stress in my family. Logan dying didn't end the endless days in doctors offices and therapy appointments my husband and I deal with on a weekly bases with Jacob and Andrew. These are all things that come along with premature babies that unfortunately didn't come away from their early births unscathed. I wake up everyday excepting things for what they are with the understanding I can't change the past and what choices and events have already happened. I live in the moment. I struggle. I still grieve not only for Logan but for Jacob and Andrew as well. The grief is not the raw powerful emotion it once was. It is more of a mental tantrum of 'Why me? Why them?'. I still struggle spiritually. I still struggle with prayer for healing. I haven't come back to the place I once was where I felt God's presence all around me.
Today I choose not to mourn and cry (I may get a little drunk...just saying) but I celebrate the days I had with him. I celebrate his existence. I will take my donation bags of baby items to my favorite not for profit in his honor. I will enjoy a lunch out with my husband and a family dinner tonight. I will put new flowers on his grave and share the memory of my son with anyone willing to read or listen.
Thank you to everyone who has been along for the ride and continued to pray and follow my family's updates. Thank you to everyone who cares about my children and show interest in their well being.
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| This year's donation to a local organization called Oh My Baby that donates bags of newborn necessities to new mothers in need before they bring their baby home from the hospital. |
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| I love this quote. I have a longer version of this same quote on the wall in the boys room. |
I spent some time this week going through all the photos I have of Logan just looking for some that I haven't shared a million times. Well some I have, but those are just my favorites.
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| This is my absolute favorite moment with him. It was about 3 days after he had the trach placed maybe less...but it was the 1st time I seen him grasp an object in his hand much less wave it around as if he was playing with it. I was so tickled by his little accomplishment and proud of him. |
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| This was the 1st time Logan was taken off the vent and off Cpap. It didn't last very long but it was still wonderful to see him like this when I walked into the NICU that day. Shortly after this photo was taken he tested positive for RSV and his little life got so much harder. |
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| One of the many time before the trach they tried to extubate him and put him on CPap. This was taken right after they pulled the tube before they placed the CPap mask on his face. |
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| This picture reminds me how much Logan and Jacob act alike. Logan wanted nothing but to watch his mobile. This was taken before the bird mobile he loved so much. He didn't want nothing to do with us most of the time. He just threw a fit until the mobile started moving and the music came on. Jacob does the same thing to this day with his Mickey Mouse club house. Throwing fits when it is not his favorite episode or when the channel is changed. I like to think that they would both have the same love for Mickey. |
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| The day I brought Andrew and Jacob home. I had no doubt at that time that Logan would join them eventually. |
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| This was taken the 1st time Logan got really really sick. This time he pulled though. This was just days before the trach was placed. |
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| This was the 1st time daddy got to hold Logan. I remember his tube accidentally came out of place during all the movement of putting him back in his bed and he had to be reintubated. Jack was so upset, but look at how proud he looks getting to hold his son. A memory caught that we will cherish forever. |
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| One of the few pictures of his eyes open and looking around. Logan and Jacob share the same deep brown eyes that melt my heart. |
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| Taken days before he got really sick and almost died the 1st time. Just showing us what a strong willed little boy he was. |
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| The 1st time I got to hold him when he was not intubated. |
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| Jack called the Cpap mask his scubba diving mask. Andrew sported the same style for a good month. |
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| Holding my baby the day I made the hardest decision of my life to let him go. We were waiting for my sister to get there with my other babies before we moved to a room to spend our last moments with him. |
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| Jack getting to hold his son before we let him go. |
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| The date is wrong on the picture. The last facial picture I have of him in color before he passed away. |
Friday, July 18, 2014
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
It's Birthday time 2 down 1 to go
So far we have had Hannah's Birthday in May she is 2 now. We had a small celebration and a park visit on her actual birthday and a small party at home the Saturday after her birthday. She had her 2 year old check up on her birthday as well. 24 lbs. Healthy girl and developing normal.
Ms. Ava is 7 last week. Her birthday is also the 1st day of summer vacation for us as well. I took her to her favorite restaurant, Olive Garden, on her birthday and the Saturday after her birthday we had her party at the skating ring. She loved it.
Today we went to Legoland. Had a great time with the family on our annual trip. Definitely better this year than last year.
The boys birthday is just over a month away. Not sure what we will do yet, but definitely think we will do minion theme. Andrew wants a fart gun.
Even though the boys will be 5 when school starts we made the decision to leave them in preschool again for next year. Andrew is still not ready. He is very immature and has a lot of behavior problems still. He was diagnosed with autism a few months ago and receives physical, occupational, and speech therapy outpatient to work on his issues to help prepare him for school when he is 6. He still can not grasp a pencil, color, or wite age appropriately. This really concerns me and wad my deciding factor on leaving him in the special needs preschool with Jacob another year.
Jacob got a new stander and had his wheelchair growth adjusted recently. He received the same type therapies as Andrew. We will be working more on communication skills with him in the near future than feeding therapy like we have been. We have been doing intensive feeding therapy since August and have seen improvements in decreasing his oral aversion and allowing people to touch his face, but he still doesn't want to put food in his mouth and swallow it. We are not giving up, but moving forward with other skills and evaluation on skills we think he can achieve.
Ava made leaps and bounds at school this year. I home schooled her the 1st 9 weeks. She started public school on October 4th. She left kindergarten behind and the point of home schooling was to to help her catch up but she didn't want to listen or learn from me. So when starting school she was still very behind where they wanted her. She made A's and B's in almost everything all year except reading she made C's Toward the year her writing grades slipped go C's as well. Even though she passed the testing to move onto 2nd grade and technically had the grades to move forward. The last 9 weeks she stopped trying and her grades on her papers were bad, well most were even with extra help. Her teacher told me she thought she should repeat 1st grade so she could catch up and stop struggling. After a lot of anguish and meetings with teacher, Ava actually decided (I would have made the final say so anyway) she wanted to repeat 1st grade and not move on with her friends. I was really worried she would be upset about being held back, but I think she is afraid to move on and she loves her teacher who she will stay with next year. Anyways, I think this will be good for her. Technically since she was barely 5 last year she didn't have to go to kindergarten last year and if anything she probably should have been repeating kindergarten this year....but I told her this year was "practice" 1st grade and next year us for real and she has to take it very seriously and that there is no more practice grades...she seemed to accept that.
Ms. Ava is 7 last week. Her birthday is also the 1st day of summer vacation for us as well. I took her to her favorite restaurant, Olive Garden, on her birthday and the Saturday after her birthday we had her party at the skating ring. She loved it.
Today we went to Legoland. Had a great time with the family on our annual trip. Definitely better this year than last year.
The boys birthday is just over a month away. Not sure what we will do yet, but definitely think we will do minion theme. Andrew wants a fart gun.
Even though the boys will be 5 when school starts we made the decision to leave them in preschool again for next year. Andrew is still not ready. He is very immature and has a lot of behavior problems still. He was diagnosed with autism a few months ago and receives physical, occupational, and speech therapy outpatient to work on his issues to help prepare him for school when he is 6. He still can not grasp a pencil, color, or wite age appropriately. This really concerns me and wad my deciding factor on leaving him in the special needs preschool with Jacob another year.
Jacob got a new stander and had his wheelchair growth adjusted recently. He received the same type therapies as Andrew. We will be working more on communication skills with him in the near future than feeding therapy like we have been. We have been doing intensive feeding therapy since August and have seen improvements in decreasing his oral aversion and allowing people to touch his face, but he still doesn't want to put food in his mouth and swallow it. We are not giving up, but moving forward with other skills and evaluation on skills we think he can achieve.
Ava made leaps and bounds at school this year. I home schooled her the 1st 9 weeks. She started public school on October 4th. She left kindergarten behind and the point of home schooling was to to help her catch up but she didn't want to listen or learn from me. So when starting school she was still very behind where they wanted her. She made A's and B's in almost everything all year except reading she made C's Toward the year her writing grades slipped go C's as well. Even though she passed the testing to move onto 2nd grade and technically had the grades to move forward. The last 9 weeks she stopped trying and her grades on her papers were bad, well most were even with extra help. Her teacher told me she thought she should repeat 1st grade so she could catch up and stop struggling. After a lot of anguish and meetings with teacher, Ava actually decided (I would have made the final say so anyway) she wanted to repeat 1st grade and not move on with her friends. I was really worried she would be upset about being held back, but I think she is afraid to move on and she loves her teacher who she will stay with next year. Anyways, I think this will be good for her. Technically since she was barely 5 last year she didn't have to go to kindergarten last year and if anything she probably should have been repeating kindergarten this year....but I told her this year was "practice" 1st grade and next year us for real and she has to take it very seriously and that there is no more practice grades...she seemed to accept that.
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