Logan's 3rd Angelversery

HAPPY ANGELVERSERY TO MY BABY BOY!

Not so much a happy occasion for your mom and dad, but a celebration for you. Today marks the day of no more pain and suffering for you. Today 3 years ago you earned your place in the arms of our Lord and Savior. I pray for you often. I pray for healing for our family. I pray for healing for Jacob. I pray for peace for you dad.

 



When this blog posts it will be exactly 3 years since your heart stopped beating while I held you in my arms. In the past 3 years I have met so many other parents who have been right where I have been. Nothing ever makes it easier and there is still no words to comfort a parents who has just lost a child rather they pass before they took their 1st breath or lived into adulthood. Even though I have been there. I don't know what to say.

The pain of your loss is still there and I'm sure it will never go away. I have accepted that I can't bring you back and trust in God that I will see you again one day. This brings be comfort and I have peace that you are not suffering. Now that years have passed the tears don't fall like they used to when the pain was so fresh and raw.  My heart does not feel like it is being ripped in two when I hear another child with your name. Every now and then I get blind sided off guard and I cry and hurt for you out of the blue. My arms still ache to hold you.

Your sister being born in May helped heal part of me that has been an endless hole since your death. Nothing will ever replace you, but looking at her so healthy and big. It was wonderful to bring my baby home with me this time and watch her develop and grow normally. When I look at her sometimes I see you. The little line down her forehead is just like yours. When I look at the back of her head it reminds me of you and you long little hairs when you laid on your side while isolated in the tiny room you lived in in Pod 1.

I love how Ava understand that you are her brother and that you lived. She likes to go to the cemetery and clean your headstone with me and put new flowers on your grave. She draws pictures of our family. When I ask where you are she points at the pictures and says you live in our hearts with God. Sometimes she even cries and tells me she misses her baby brother Logan. Andrew still doesn't understand. Jacob is just Jacob he is part of you and you are part of him. I look at him and struggle to see 2 of him. He has such handsome features. You would have been such a beautiful child.
I wish so badly I could have had both my brown eyed brown hair baby boys and my blond hair blue eyed boy running and playing together. That fantasy never goes away. I feel bad for Andrew. He clings to Ava and neither pay a ton of attention to Jacob. Our family was robbed from having you in our lives. Jacob was robbed from having a normal life. Andrew was robbed from having brothers he could laugh, run, and play with. Even though the pain lessons, I'm not sure the "should have" and "could have been" moments from broken hopes and dreams ever goes away.

I hate what twin to twin transfusion, prematurity, and RSV has taken from our lives. You have changed my life just as much today as you did the moment you were born and the moment your heart pumped for the last time. My arms will always ache to hold you against my chest just one more time. I will forever have visions of birthday parties, 1st days of school, family pictures, and many other moment with all 3 of my triplets alive and healthy. I miss and love you with every ounce of my body.

This was your dad's facebook post yesterday: Well tomorrow is the day of Logan's deathiversery, 3 years later. I am still in sorrow and depression. I still have negative bad feelings towards Winnie Palmer hospital for all they did to Logan. A broken leg, rsv 3 times, a trach, a g tube, a nissen etc etc. He had a few handful of good nurses but, to the bitch that broke his leg and didnt admit to it #5@3&5$ fill in a dirty bad word. Karma is a bitch. Ill cut you. My wife says its to late to do something, its a sad thing that a hospital is sooo powerful that no attorney will touch them. I still get upset and jealous when I see people with 3 healthy triplets and sometimes loose it when someone, i know stranger don't know any better but it affects me, and they say oh are they twins referring to the two survivors. It burns me more when they are surprised that they are brothers just because they are not identical and one is special needs. I was training a new guy the other day and he fought and argued with me that deathiversery is not a word and i told him several times i think i should know, I have it every year. I love you Logan and I know your watching down on us. Not sure how to deal with things, Jacob misses his identical brother.We will not forget you. I have soo much more to say but i will stop now thank you for reading the rant. - Jack G. out

Lastly, We celebrated your life yesterday with our family as today your dad works and wouldn't have been able to do as much. We went to the cemetery and cleaned your headstone as we do every time we go out there. I forgot your flowers at home and will bring them out soon. We wrote messages on balloons to send into they sky. Ava and Andrew let them go and a gust of wind blew them into a tree. We put don't ant poison for all the fire ants that attack us every time we go out there. We were blessed with 20 gallons for free gas from your Grandpa Jerry and then we went out to dinner and just spent time as as family. Today I plan on keeping myself busy and doing what I can to give back to others over the next few weeks. I am teaching a lady how to make boutique hair bows in the morning. Anything I can do to stay positive and remember that you are in a better place than I am and I always will have the promise that I will see you again.

Side 1 of Ava's picture to you. I like how she drew 3 hearts.

Side 2 with 3 more hearts :-)

Message from mommy on 1 of the 3 balloons we sent to the tree for you lol

Message from daddy.

balloon 2

On balloon 3 and a picture drawn by Ava. She said this is her and you together with rainbows and sunshine.

Other side of balloon 2 that has Hannah's message

This picture on balloon 3 was drawn by Andrew.

Ava and Andrew sending the balloons up.

Clean headstone and flowers to come soon. I was going to send Ava's picture up with the balloons and she insisted it stay with your headstone.

David’s Child Dies 2 Samuel 12:16-23

And the Lord afflicted the child that Uriah’s wife bore to David, and he became sick. 16 David therefore sought God on behalf of the child. And David lfasted and went in mand lay all night on the ground. 17 And the elders of his house stood beside him, to raise him from the ground, but he would not, nor did he eat food with them. 18 On the seventh day the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spoke to him, and he did not listen to us. How then can we say to him the child is dead? He may do himself some harm.” 19 But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David understood that the child was dead. And David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.” 20 Then David arose from the earth nand washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord oand worshiped. He then went to his own house. And when he asked, they set food before him, and he ate. 21 Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, youarose and ate food.” 22 He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, p‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ 23 But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, qbut he will not return to me.”

I think it is time for an update.

We had a pretty busy December and a great Christmas. Kids got plenty of gifts and they are already striving to be on the "good list" because they believe this will get them better gifts at Christmas time again. There is nothing super wonderful and new going on, I am pretty much just going to bomb this post with a ton of pictures.

There are a few things I will talk about...Baby Hannah is growing way to fast. She is 8 months old now. During this past month she learned how to get into a sitting position on her own, then a few days later she started crawling, then the very next day she started pulling up to a standing position. She did all this with 10 days. About a week ago we got the babbling "ba-ba" and about to days ago she added "ma-ma" I'm introducing more and more solid foods to her and trying not to be paranoid that she will chock, aspirate, and get a brain injury...kinda traumatised about this...she is working hard at falling and hitting her head as often as she can already. I think she needs a helmet. We are still breastfeeding (well pumping and bottle feeding) and it is going well.

I am motivating myself to FINALLY getting serious about potty training Andrew. I think he is finally understanding and is getting better about getting his pants off. He struggles, but I think he can at least get the pee thing down for now. He has even learned to stand up and pee when he goes. He has yet to ever tell me he pooped or asked to go on the potty..this is why I have been afraid to do this whole potty training thing. He is 3 1/2 and long over due. I really believe Andrew has some issues that may need more attention and I don't feel the school is addressing them. I could be wrong. They test him and tell me for the most part he is "within normal range" and don't feel he needs any kind of therapy.  I try not to compare, but I don't have much else to go off of. I think that is abnormal that he can not dress or undress himself. He will not even take off his shoes or socks on his own or put them on. He just tells me "I can't". I've discussed this with his teacher at school and she tells me he DOES at school. He can't open things on his own. He tries, but can't even tear open things that have the little slit that you pull open. He can't put his own straw in his cup. He still refuses nearly all food that is not candy, chips, or peanut butter sandwiches. Occasionally we can get him to eat pizza...he basically eats the crust. I still have him on about 3 pediasures a  day just to keep him where he is at. He is nothing but skin and bones. Has no meat on him at all. As a big girl it is just unnatural to see a child that skinny. He looks sickly to me. He is in the 20th percentile I think in weight. He is around 29lbs. He has actually lost weight at one point he was 31 pounds. I think he has a sensory issue. I stopped making him eat anything besides peanut butter months ago after his 3 year old check up because the MD told me not to force him to eat. I still offered him food though. I had no bread to feed him his breakfast, lunch, and dinner of peanut butter sandwiches a few weeks ago so I broke out the old high chair and made him sit in it with a plate of food on it. Green beans, a few tiny pieces of steak, and a baked sweet potato. He chocked down some green beans by me forcing him to put it in his mouth and feeding him (he won't use a spoon or a fork either) the meat made him gag literally. He chewed it and was pocketing in his cheeks. I told him to swallow and he tried and then puked all over the table. Seriously! I am in the process of getting an appointment to see a developmental pediatrician.

Ava is really catching on at school. She had a rocky start and was falling behind and needed a little extra help working on sight words, but is now where she should be. She was diagnosed with hypothyroidism several months ago and now takes synthroid and it seems that it has helped. She has stopped gaining weight and doesn't tell me she is tired all the time like she used to. She does surprisingly well getting up for school in the morning too.

Jacob is doing well considering his issues. No real improvement in cognitive development or movement. The nissen fundoplication he had in July has CHANGED OUR LIVES. He is gaining weight and not sick anymore. He has had phenol and botox twice since May and his tone is SO GOOD now. He is off all his meds except for his seizure meds and as needed dose of baclophen. He goes to school with Andrew Monday - Friday, but they are in different classes. He is so awake now compared to the drugged state he was in all the time from the medications. He is happy and so alert. He is still over the moon for Mickey Mouse Club House and pretty much watches it all day long. I'm still hoping we start seeing some new improvements in him.

I have been out of work since Hannah was born. It was a very hard adjustment for me to be home all the time and going to down to 1 income. We have made it work so far. We do our best to get the kids out and about without spending a ton of money and are always looking for free and cheap things to do. I have a list about 3 miles longs of needs and wants for income tax time. LOL We have so many things to fix at home including out septic issues that a wheel chair van is not going to to be on the table this year. :-(

2012 Family Christmas picture Celebration, FL

playing in the "snow"

My babies

Daddy and his babies

Hannah

Dancing in the snow

spitting at Daddy

Jacob got a new seat for his gait trainer. He was rather happy about it.

1st time my baby took steps in months with the new seat.

Jacob's special tomato stroller

I started making bows and this is one I made to match one of my favorite outfits.

stretching Jacob's legs

he did well sitting like this for about 10 minutes

Jacob was really alert on Christmas morning. He seemed like he understood what was going on. He was very happy.

Christmas morning 2012

loved his new light

Had this shirt made for Jack lol he wore it with pride. This was at Celebration.

at Celebration "ice" skating Florida style bubble snow and all

Andrew Christmas morning

Hannah Christmas morning

 

'Tis the Season for Sharing

Holidays are hard for so many. Not enough finances, worried about not getting the right gifts or enough gifts for our children and family, entertaining, many fighting depression, and so many people that are remembering loved ones rather it be a love one that lived a long life or an pregnancy, infant, or child loss.
November-February are hard months for our family. As these months pass it  me of Logan's struggles and how his tiny body suffered and struggled to live until the Lord called him home on January 30, 2009.
This year is no different for us. We are a 1 income family now instead of 2. We have added another member to our family this year and the budget is tight. I've been planning my children's Christmas since August to avoid from having to ask for help. I am trying to teach my children what Christmas is about and not teach them that it is the time of year to get expensive presents and cheap gifts that will be in the garbage in a month. This being said, God has provided for us and I have been able to keep up with all our bills (for the most part) and I am near finished with Christmas for my children.

I found myself on facebook this morning and read a post about buying gifts for children off the local Angel Trees. This reminded me that I have not done anything in Honor of Logan this holiday season yet. I honestly can't remember what I have done that past few years. I know I have thought about it and I have donated small amounts of money or a few presents to Toys for Tots, but not much else. I emailed one of Logan's nurses and asked what parents do for the NICU or NICU parents around the holidays. I haven't received a reply yet, but another friend mention a local woman that donates to the hospital I worked at for needy mothers and babies. I thought how perfect would that be to give a gift of baby boy items in honor of my Baby Boy this year. Though this mother will  know nothing about me she will read his name and know this is a gift of love from one mother to another.

Oh My Baby on Facebook is the organization I donated though today. She will take any donations to make bags. I know not everyone has the funds to do a complete bag, but every little bit helps. Even though we do not know these ladies circumstances and many may judge why these woman need this help or why they are having babies they can't afford, but just remember that it is NOT that child's fault and I feel good know that a child will get to receive these very basic items to get these newborns though their 1st weeks of life. I'm honored to been blessed to donate our bag today and hope that I can do several of these bags throughout the year.

This was the picture that was posted on the facebook site of our donation. Just one more way I can honor my son's life while helping others. I'm really excited I was able to do this and hope some more local families can remember these babies during the holiday season alone with all the other needy children that need a toy to open up on Christmas to celebrate our Saviors birth.

My heart was so blessed today by a beautiful young Mom, @Jennifer Keigans-Gunter, who donated a complete bag for a brand-new baby boy in honor of Logan Christopher Gunter, the baby her family lost a few years ago. Thank you Jennifer for allowing Logan's short life to bless so many other lives today!!

Anyone interested in doing this contract your local hospitals social worker and see if they are willing to accept these type donations. I hope everyone has a blessed Holiday season. We already have our tree up and the yard decorated. Trying to stay active and keep the children busy. Everyone is doing well except for the colds they keep spreading to each other. Hannah is almost 7 months old. She is threatening to crawl at any moment. She has 2 teeth now. Jacob is staying healthy and become a chubby little boy these days. So happy and alert now after coming off all the meds he has been on for so long. I'm hoping 2013 will bring great things for our Family and pray that we can learn how to get Jacob to communicate with us better.

Our Thanksgiving

We went to my friend Hills house since Jack worked. Usually we are in Alabama with my parents. This year we are home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

The Story of an Exclusively Pumping Mom

I haven't talked a whole lot about our latest addition to our household, our Hannah Rose. She is 6 months old today. Anyone interested, I blog about her here. I've kept this blog as my own personal journal to her since I found out I was pregnant and all the fears that went along with it after the pregnancy with out triplets.

Hannah has by far been the most well behaved baby out of my 5 children. Andrew would be 2nd runner up and look at him now. He is a NAUGHTY boy...I'm kinda concerned LOL. I was really thinking this time around I would actually be able to breast feed her and be "normal." With Ava I had flat, inverted nipples and due to my own frustration and her lack of latching even with nipple shields I resorted to pumping breast milk. She breastfed at the breast more than any of my children. My problem was that from pumping, I overstimulated my breast to make to much milk and when I letdown she would chock as the milk overflowed from the nipple shield (the only way I could get her to the breast) I would have milk all down my cloths, the nipple shield would slide out of place. It was a mess. After several months of attempts to breastfeed without bottles I resorted to exclusively pumping and bottle feeding breast milk. I had so much extra milk I had to buy a deep freezer. I ran out of room at one point and started dumping extra milk...I had no clue there were donation programs out there at this point. My breast dried up on their own, despite my desperate attempts to keep pumping and by 10 months I could no longer produce any milk. She was still given breast milk until her 1st birthday with some formula introduce at 10 months.

The triplets, I was rather proud of myself for providing breast milk to all 3 babies as long as I did considering what we were going through. Even though the 1st months after their birth before their due date they were taking tiny amounts of milk, I was able to keep them on mostly breast milk until 6 1/2 months before once again I stopped producing. I had to fortify with formula to add calories and if there was ever a breast milk shortage Logan always got the breast milk 1st since he was the sickest. I will never forget the day Logan died how the only thing I had to take from the hospital that day besides his belongings was a blue plastic bin of the last bags of milk I had pumped for him. It was bitter sweet peeling the hospital labels off the bottles for Baby Boy A Gunter and giving the last of that milk to our survivors Baby Boy B Gunter Baby Boy C Gunter at home. I don't know why that memory is so much clearer than others, but it is. I'm still concerned that my supply will suddenly drop again. Then I remember with the triplets the STRESS I was under. 3 sick babies in the hospital, ventilators, brain damage, feeding tubes, the hospital being an hour drive each way, taking care of a 2 year old, juggling work after the 1st few months, taking care of 2 preemies at home, pumping, toddler, and still driving back and forth to the nicu everyday while working, and trying to keep it all together. Ha! I think of how lazy I am now and wonder how I found the energy and patience to do it all. Only answer is that God's people truly lifted us up in prayer and His Grace was over us. I don't think back to those 6 1/2 months of my life as much as I used to. When I do it reminds me of the good and the bad and how so many people cared about my family still do, just in different ways now.

Breastfeeding and possibly having to pump this time around with Hannah was the one thing I was NOT looking forward to. After all the pumping from the previous births, my nipples I felt were no longer as flat nor was the one side inverted anymore (just in case anyone really wanted to know about my nipples) I had high expectations I could get a full term healthy baby to latch and breastfeed well. I swore I would not even take the breast pump out of it bag. Nothing started off right. I was not awake when she was born. It was over 3 hours after her birth before I seen her and she was already given a bottle of formula. NO ONE encouraged me to breastfeed in the hospital and no one came to help (never once seen the lactation consultant after asking several times) a few nurses tried to help with latching. Once my milk came in my nipples were as flat as ever, she would root and never latch. She even refused the nipple shield. Hannah screamed and cried if I tried to get her to breastfeed....this gave me major anxiety along with dealing with 3 other children at home and a big vertical c-section incision. I resorted to what I was used to. Pumping 20-30 minutes ever 2-3 hours. After a week or so I had enough supply built up to start storing breast milk 4oz at a time. By the time Hannah was 3 months old. I had filled my small deep freezer full and started to fill a 2nd deep freezer. I think fresh milk is best, so I did not really want to thaw milk if I did not have to. This is when I was introduced to the facebook group Human Milk 4 Human Babies. There is a page for every state. There is another group I am aware of called Eats on Feets. These are groups of breastfeeding moms that choose to share their breast milk with other mothers who can not produce enough milk on their own for whatever reason without the cost of going though a MilkBank. Personally when I was offered breast milk from an old high school friend I thought it was disgusting...my views have changed slightly and I definitely don't mind donating, but I guess most mom go off the indication that if the breastfeeding mother is willing to give the milk to their own children, then it should be safe for their children. I think it is great that the mothers of this donor milk go out of their way to get this milk for their babies vs. just giving there children formula. I'm not here to start a debate on why or why not to give your child untested donated milk. I personally have connected with another mom of multiples who DOES pump for her twins, but does not produce enough for them. She was having to supplement with formula and her boys were not doing well on formula and needed a special formula when not fed breast milk. If you are over income for WIC this can be VERY expensive.  So, she buys my milk stoage bags and I fill them up with milk for her. Hannah being 6 months old now, I have given her June, July, August, and part of September's pumped milk thus far. I kept May's milk because it was mostly pumped in the 50 or so breast milk storage bottles I had collected over the past 5 years. I did thaw and give this milk to Hannah it took me 3 months to give her all of May's milk. Now I don't bother thawing milk for her. Hannah always gets fresh and the rest is frozen for my recipient mom. Because I am afraid of loosing my supply suddenly like I did the last 2 times, I try to keep at least 1-2 months worth of milk in my freezer. Hannah will not take formula at all. I've tried in a pinch at a doctors office and she kept pushing the bottle away.
This time around pumping has not been horrible. It does become quite an addiction for me. I can't stand my breast feeling full so I never go more than 6 hours without pumping at night and usually pump at least every 3-4 hour during the day sometimes more often sometimes less. I am usually able to store a minimum of 32 oz of breast milk in the freezer on top of what I feed Hannah every day. Each time I pump I am normally able to to get at least 16oz in 15-20 minutes. Often, I don't feel empty and wait 30 minutes and I am able to get another 8oz if I have time to pump again.

I like pumping because I can often feed Hannah a bottle of breast milk while I pump or someone else can feed her. I think she eats less often and stay fuller more so than a normal breast fed baby because she does not work as hard to get the milk. (just my option) This makes a less tired mommy that does not have to get up for late night and early morning feeds, well I'm up pumping at 6:15 and she eats then. I can feed her in the car and in pubic without having to find a private area to feed her by breast. I am NOT locked into being home to pump. I have a hospital grade Ameda Elite pump set up at home in my pumping spot and I have a battery operated double Ameda Purley Yours Pump that is small enough to fit in my purse that I can take on the go.

Yes, pumping requires time, sometimes I have a screaming baby while I pump milk if her previous bottle is empty. I have bottles to clean and pump parts to take apart, but I don't mind at all. I actually think I prefer to pump. I can leave my baby with my husband and run errands without worrying if my baby is hungry. I don't have the baby that won't take a bottle and only likes boobies. I feel like I am just as bonded with my baby. We still lay in bed together while I feed her. I still do not have to heat bottles as breast milk is good at room temperature for hours so she always has a bottle for fresh milk out.

I must say I am rather proud of the moms who have exclusively breastfed their babies and don't pump or bottle feed. I honestly feel like it is way harder than pumping.

No matter how you give breast milk to your babies rather it be by the breast, pumped into a bottle, or donated milk from another mom.  Kuddos for giving your babies the best! Best of all it is FREE!

The Vanishing "friends" of a Special Needs Parent

I've been feeling rather bitter lately thinking about all the so-called friends I used to have. As I look though my phone's contact list where I used to have a list to scroll down of people's contact info. People I used to hang out with, go shopping with, dinner together etc. Now those names slowly one by one have been deleted from my life and replaced with doctors offices, schools, and therapists' numbers. Where I used to have someone I could call upon at anytime when I was bored, feeling the need to go blow money etc, there is only a small handful of 3-4 people that have stuck by me and listen to my rants about my daily struggles.

In recent months I have really looked at who my friends really are.

• You have the true hard core friends that will go out of the way for you as I would for them dragging there 2,3,4 kids along with them. Your lucky to have 1 of this type friend in your life I am lucky to have 2 not counting my family members.
• You have your convenience friends...these "friends" new and old that only call or talk to you if they want something from you or have a question. Rather it be money, free food, extra medical supplies, baby sitter, etc.
• Friends of similar circumstance...I have made a lot of these friends local and distant. These for me are mothers of multiples or of a disabled child. Great for support, but most are not ones I call and talk to...mainly we all have to many children combine to see each other in person. LOL
• Co-worker friends. Yeah I was really disappointed in this area. I had a lot of co-worker friends. Used to go out and have a good time after work on the weekends, get invited to each others kids parties and various other activities. I was really hurt when I delivered my baby at the same hospital I worked at and not ONE person went out of their way that I worked with to visit or even call. I did get a baby shower before I left so I know they do care. I have little to no contact with most of these "friends" since I left my job 6 months ago. I do have a select few that lurk(on facebook) but we don't talk like we used to. I did feel good that I got invited to one of my old co-workers good-bye lunch after she was laid off. For the most part outside of a few facebook lurking old co-worker friends I have been abandon.
• Then there are the facebook only friends. I have people I have given a lot of myself to in the past that have friended me on facebook, and comment, but basically want to know your business but really nothing to do with you personally. I'm guilty of this myself. I enjoy seeing updates of old high school friends etc and staying connected. I have facebook friends that I talk to more on FB, texting and phone more so than some of my local "friends".
• Then there are those friends that just flat out abandon you...people that you once thought of as family, people that you used to talk to on a regular near daily bases, that just stop calling and respond to text etc. This hurts. Makes me wonder what I did wrong. I feel like I am in a different "class" than some of these people now. I don't fit in their click because our incomes are different, to many children, children that aren't "normal", mainly just feel unimportant to them anymore. They have taken what they could from me and no longer have a need to talk to me.

This being said. I recently went down my facebook list of "friends" I have really NO friends that are not of facebook. It really opened my eyes to how many people have been in my life and moved on at one point. I have had a lot of people come in and out of my life. I realized then how little true LOCAL friends I really had. I have made quite a few friends from different parts of the country that have shared like stories as my own, that I can talk to about everyday life of for support. Tons of people friended me for updates on the triplets and Jacob in general mostly. I spent hours weeding though people, deciding who really should see what I post and pictures I post. The point of my blogs was to update on my family, so I don't really see a need for strangers to see everything in my social network. I unfriended a lot of high school people that I was never really friends with in high school, I unfriended lots of people that I had no freaking clue who they were, I unfriended people I once loved as my own family, but realized they don't really care about me or my children. My list of 250 people is down to a mere 100 or so...lol mere 100 he he...I think it is weird that I can actually tell you how I know each and every one of those people if their name popped up, but no way I could name 100 people I know off the top of my head.

After over 3 years of battling depression and financial hardship, I think I am finally ready to stand up again and move forward. I have been living my life in idle since I was pregnant with the triplets. Once they were born early, I felt the world revolved around their health and well being. Then after Logan's death, the world revolved around Jacob's health and therapies. poor Andrew has always been the odd man out and now demands his attention. Now that Jacob is 3 and has lost home services. 3 of my 4 living children are in school now. I have had time to rest, time to think, time to regroup myself and wonder what is next. I still feel stuck, that I can't work and have lost my career for right now due to childcare and Jack's schedule. I'm ready to embrace my true friends, not enable people any longer that always wanted to take from me and were never there to just be my friend, maybe become more involved in my children's schools (though I think they hate me...true story), ready for walks in the park, lunch dates and to just live and enjoy life again with my children, my husband, my family, and my friends. I will no longer dwell on who I feel is not my friend anymore. I will simply delete them from my life. LOL I really spend to much time on facebook.

Halloween mishap

Wednesday we took the children trick or treating. They all were pirates. About a 20 minute walk from our house or so Jacob got hurt. My husband was pushing him. He parked the wheel chair at the endge of the driveway at a house. Be put the left break on and took his hands of the chair I believe to catch Andrew. The right wheel rolled from the incline of the driveway and from the left wheel being locked, I guess the speed caused the chair parked on the incline to fall over on its side with Jacob (Thank God) strapped all the way in....we considered leaving the chest harness off so you could see his entire costume and decided against it. His head hit the IV pole and his knee hit the ground. He was crying a lot and his legs had tremors in both legs which he has not had since May when he got his 1st round of phenol and botox. I took him home and looked at him in he light. I gave him Valium and that stopped the tremors. When Jack got home with the rest of the kids I had him take him to the ER to get checked. All was well just some bumps. Almost 36 hours later he has a horrible black eye. It didn't look bad until In seen him after school on Friday. Looks like he was punched. Hope it starts to heal soon.

I fed Hannah "real food" for the 1st time last night outside of Jack and my friend Jill giving her things off their fingers before. She bad whole wheat rice mixed with breast milk and a little bit of banana. She really liked it and ate the entire amount I made. Today I made the same mix and fed Hannah and Jacob. Jacob did not appreciate this at all.

Jacob has been super moody. Can you blame him? His parents who should protect him accideny let his wheel chair flip...2nd wheel chair accident in less than a year. I really do not like that chair!

Ava is doing great learning to read and do math. She is picking up on her site words really fast at school now. Today she took her flash cards and made sentences for "fun". I was tickled by this.

Andrew is wild, but definaty learning at school. He comes to me and counts to 7 correctly and tells me most colors correctly. I am still concerned he has some sensory issues. I have rely cut back on the amount of pediasure he gets. He near lives on peanut butter sandwiches.

Hannah will be 6 months old in a few days. She can sit for a few minutes alone. Loves eating her feet and loves to scoot around on her belly on the floor.