...and Jacob has pneumonia again!

I guess I should pick-up from my last post. Jacob went to his swallow evaluation this passed Monday. He is aspirating when he eats. I was told he is sucking to fast and that the fluid is building up in this throat before he actually swallows it. So when it builds up and he goes to breath he aspirates. His aspiration was worse when his head was turned toward the right and when his neck was flexed back. So, when I feed him we have to sit him up at almost a 90 degree angle make him flex his neck down into a chin tuck and keep his head strait or to the left. Worse part is when he aspirated during the test he did not cough or anything. They refer to this as silent aspiration. This scares me because before I knew when he was chocking and know there was a chance he was aspirating now he could be eating totally normal and turns out he still might be aspirating. He had a good week. I was told to even attempt to feed him thinner liquids and that I was making them to thick. He even had a few bottles that were not thicken and did not gag at all. By Wednesday he started acting funny. He usually loves baby food and he refused to take his feeder bottle with baby food and only wanted his bottle. By Friday he was eating half his normal amount and still would not touch baby food. I figured he is cutting 2 teeth at one time and his mouth must just be sore. He was acting fine and was actually in a really good mood on Friday. He was happy and smiling. He had a good time with the physical therapist and she was impressed by how well he was behaving and actually interacting with her. I was told by the speech therapist to watch for signs of pneumonia. I go to work on Saturday and my husband calls me around 11am and tells me he has not been able to get Jacob to eat all day. When I came home my mom was trying to feed him. I was told he had ate 6-8oz all day. Then my mom tells me that he is running a fever! She tells me that he has been warm all day and it was 102 when she changed his diaper. Of course no one treated the fever! I got him to eat 8oz for me. He just looked dehydrated. I watched him for a few hours medicated him a 2nd time for his fever. By 4am I just could not get his fever down.I made my 3rd trip to the ER in 6 weeks,once again on a Saturday, for fever and breathing issues. He got the typical chest x-ray, IV, and blood work. IV showed bilateral interstitial infiltrate in his lungs. His rectal temperature was 104.5 when I got there. He got IV fluid and Rocephin IV. They diagnosed him with pneumonia again. It was the same doctor that seem him the last 2 times. She said the right upper lobe was looking a little better. He is going to be on antibiotics for the next 10 days and I have to follow up with his doctor on Tuesday. It is either the end of this week or next that he is seeing the GI doctor. I'm sure he is going to end up with a g-tube. We can't keep compromising his lungs for him to be "normal".

The new Jacob schedule will be as follows starting next week. Tuesday: Speech/feeding therapy in the A.M Wednesday: physical therapy in the A.M Thursday: speech/feeding therapy in A.M. Early interventionist in P.M. Friday: Physical therapy in A.M. We get to do this schedule for who know how long on top of doctors appointment for everyone in our family etc. :-) Life is good though and I'm glad we have the ability to provide all our children with everything we need. God always provides and I am grateful!


Andrew had his MRI on Friday. Jack took him. He did great. I don't have the results yet.

My parents left today :-( Praying they have a safe trip back to Alabama. :-)


one day I will re-read my blogs. They make total since to me when I type them but Jack tells me all the time where they don't make since or I start writing about something and go off subject. Thanks for taking the time to figure out what I am trying to say LOL

and they have TEETH

I periodical check for little teeth cutting through and neither  baby had any sign of a tooth beginning of last week. On Friday afternoon I looked in little Jacob's mouth and their it was a sharp tooth coming in on the bottom left that had already broke through his gum. Now the bottom right tooth is making it was up. Not though yet, but you can see where it is coming. On Saturday Andrew has the very start of a tooth coming on the right bottom side. Looks like it is going to break though the gums at anytime. What big boys they are.

We spent the weekend attempting to have fun. I took my mom to Disney on Wednesday. Friday we picked dad up from the airport and then we all packed our bags and spent the weekend in Kissimmee. Tricia stayed on Friday night. We kept her kids all day Saturday. The kids loved swimming including the babies. The toddlers were so tired they slept from about 4-5pm all the way though the night until this morning around 6am.

My sister Sarah's son James spent his Saturday in Celebration's Emergency room. He has had on and off fever and has this horrible rash all over his body that starts to go away then comes back worse. 8 hours later they told Sarah it was all viral and that it would go away on its own. Oh and it was not contagious. Well, whatever it is apparently Ava and Michael got the "virus" their rash does not look near as bad as Jame's. but Michael and Ava has the same kind of rash all over their face and entire body. Ava was also running a fever on Saturday night.

My sister Patirica was trying to have a kid free Saturday night with her boyfriend when she got a phone call telling her she had to go drive 3 hours to pick up my Uncle Wayne and his girl friend from Lake City area. Ha HA Fiki! They had transmission problems and were stranded. They were driving here for my grandpa's memorial tomorrow.

So my mom took possession of my Uncle Wayne today and she took it upon herself to have a "drinking party" at my house with him. I went to one of my nephews birthday party in Zepherhills today. When I came home Uncle Wayne had become Uncle Drunk and according to my dad my mom "was not drunk" okayyyyyy. Well then they decided to pack there drinking party up and go to my Grandpa's old house where my aunt lives. Oh and they decided it was okay to drink MY bottle of Jack Daniels that I have had forever which my mom has drank most of it anyway. Well now it has maybe 2 shots left in it. How long is that stuff good for when opened??? It is probably 2 years old anyways. Is it like medication does it loose its potency LOL

Jacob has his swallow evaluation tomorrow at 1245 and my grandpa's memorial service at at 7pm tomorrow night. I think Ava and Jack are going to go to Disney's Animal Kingdom tomorrow. I am waiting for my sister to get here with my Taco Bell. I am going to go with her and my dad to the Casino....I think Sarah has a gambling problem LOL I am going to stop her from spending every penny she has..they are not taking anymore of my pennies. :-)

Rest in Peace Grandpa

So I got the call at 6:08 this morning from my mom. My grandpa took his last breath. He died with 3 of his daughters by his side this morning at 5:58. He was very blessed to have such caring daughters by his side since be was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in late March. My mom flew down from Alabama to do anything he need. His daughter Maureen visited him often. His daughter Holly took on his care per his request. He stayed at her home during his final weeks. She stayed with him night and day. Taking him to and from all his appointments. Battled the hundreds of phone calls from friends and family and did her best to get him to eat, drink, and keep him comfortable. During his last hours Maureen slept on the floor on one side of his hospital bed while Holly was on the other side. My mom came in and out of the room all night and stayed in the living room, the room not being big enough for everyone. My mom said they prayed with him through the night. That the sang him worship songs and even some Christmas carols :-) He went peacefully.

I finally got to see him for the 1st time since before Mother's Day yesterday. I held his hand and prayed with him. At this point he had started the rapid breathing and his heart was bounding from dehydration. He was to weak to talk or open his eyes for me. He did respond by sucking on a mouth sponge to wet his mouth. He squeezed my hand a few times. I talked to him and sang worship songs to him. I went to support my mom before they took his body from the home. The funeral home got there before I did and they waited for me. When I went into his room he looked so peaceful. This daughter combed his hair and put on his cloths. My grandpa was notorious for his look. Long grey pony tail always a shirt with a pocket on the chest and dark blue jeans. He never left the house without his reading glasses and a pen. When he left Holly's house today he wore a grey/blue pocket shirt and dark blue jean pants with his reading glasses in his pocket and a pen. :-) He entered the Kingdom of Heaven this morning to be greeted by all his loved ones that passed before him including his parents and Logan. I'm glad grandpa finally go to meet Logan.

Today is a good day

This morning I decided to start fresh and stay ahead of the game. I woke up an hour before the babies and apparently an hour after Ava. I turned on some worship music in the living room and started cleaning. Even now I can just feel the Holy Spirt uplifting my heart. I feel calm and at peace..and so does Jacob. Had a good morning with the babies. Forced Andrew to eat some oatmeal stuff in a feeder bottle. He has been anti-baby food. Only thing he wants is his bottle. We are trying a day or 2 off formula with Jacob trying to clear his congestion per the doctors suggestion. Jacob ate well this morning. He on the other hand loves baby food. We tried to eat off a spoon this morning. He took 7 or 8 spoons full before he decided he was done. He finished his baby food in the feeder bottle. I also am trying a new bottle with him. I went to Target and found that Avent has nipples meant for thicker liquids. He did not like it yesterday because the nipple is shaped different. This morning while he was nice and calm I tried thicken apple juice in it. He ate about 5 ounces then I tried turning the bottle from slow to medium flow and he choked.

I got a lot of phone calls made yesterday. We have officially fired the Orlando GI doctor. Not only do they never call me back, but apparently Dr. Velez's nurse called 3 or 4 in a week and they have not called her back either. So we are trying to get a swallow evaluation done ASAP but not sure of a date yet. His new GI appointment will be at All Children's in Tampa beginning of June.

Kinda cute early Ava decided she was going to try and feed Andrew baby food. She put it on the spoon for him and tries to put it in his mouth. He spits it at her. She is persistent and tries again he then take the spoon from her and flings the food off the spoon at her. LOL Then she states, "Mommy, I don't think Andrew, can't like this." LOL yes Ava apparently does not know how to say "does not" and anytime she or anyone else does not like something they "can't like" this.

Jack and I went to see the therapist lady that his EAP provides for free. Jack has to write down what he does all day and his mood changes. I told on him for still continuing to be mean to Ava and everyone else all the time. I know he is trying, but I WISH HE WOULD TRY HARDER. We now have a no cursing at each other rule. This is my down fall. I have always been so used to everyone else using "bad words" that it has become a common thing for me. I catch myself saying stuff in general conversation. This I have been working on and Ava even reminds me. "Mommy that is a bad word. Don't say bad words!" So last night when Jack was yelling at Ava. He walks into the kitchen and Ava was sitting on the couch and yells, "Mommy daddy is a BAD WORD!" I am grateful I do not have a toddler that repeats her parents and curses all the time. She did go through a period of calling everyone an asshole for several months. Now she only repeats what someone has said to her. She tells me all the time, "Mommy, Daddy told me to piss off!"

He see the psychiatrist next week. I hope they give him something that will help with his mood swings and depression.

Babies 1st swim

Jacob and Andrew getting ready for the poolThey Loved the Pool

Happy Mother's Day

Thanks you everyone for your encouraging words and compliments for the article in THE LEDGER.

I hope every mom had a blessed day. I had a good weekend at work. I actually came home not feeling like I wanted to die. Rachael Pleasant did a great job on Logan's article. It actually made me tear up, even though I have told Logan's story a million times. It was kinda neat seeing my family's picture on the front page of the newspaper. I was glad to share Logan's testimony of God's love.

Nothing super special today for me though. Jacob got seen at the emergency room together this morning. My sister was worried that he continues to wheeze and coughs non-stop. His eating is poor and he chocks a lot. I was worried he may be aspirating and that could be what was causing the continued sickness. The x-ray still shows the same pneumonia in the right upper load. Nothing significant had changed. The ER doctor thinks that clinically he is much better than 2 weeks ago he was actually not wheezing after the last treatment before Patricia took him up there. She thinks he is developing asthma. So we agreed he does not need more antibiotics, but she did start him on a low dose of prednisone again for 5 days. I am going to take him to Dr. Velez tomorrow to see she wants to continue the steroid again, because they do cause issues with development and can make some infections worse, like what happened to Logan. I am going to tackle the whole swallowing issue. He needs a swallow evaluation to determine the best way to feed him thickened fluid vs. a g-tube. I am also calling Early Steps director about getting him set up with a speech therapist. Speech therapist deal with feeding issues.

Please continue to keep my mother Beth Keigans, my grandpa Wayne Steinard, and the rest of the family in your prayers. My grandfather is dying from cancer. My aunt Holly is caring for him at her home. My mother and her sister is having a hard time dealing with his impending death. I pray the tension will ease between family members. I pray that my grandfather will he surround with peace and love during his final days. I pray that he gets the strength to fulfill his final wishes.

Thanks you again to everyone who has taken the time out of their lives to pray and encourage my family. I hope all is well with yours.

PS I really need to post some pictures...maybe tomorrow.

This is the story that will be published in our local paper on Mother's Day

Jennifer Gunter keeps busy with her children, 9-month-old Jacob and 9-month-old Andrew, earlier this month.Rick Runion Ledger Photos Jennifer Gunter holds her daughter Ava and son Jacob as Andrew sits in a bouncer at their home. Rick Runion Ledger Photos

From left, Jacob, Andrew and Ava. Rick Runion Ledger Photos Jennifer Gunter with her children Jacob, Andrew, and Ava. Rick Runion Ledger Photos Nine month old Jacob Gunter cries as his mother Jennifer stretches his feet and legs. Jennifer has to stretch Jacob every diaper change due to stiffness. Rick Runion Ledger Photos

This was the picture at the top center of the front page of the newspaper This was the caption under it: Jack and Jennifer Gunter embrace their son Logan on the day he died -- January 30.










http://www.theledger.com/article/20100508/NEWS/5085022/1410?p=all&tc=pgall#


Thank You to everyone involved with publishing this story. What a great testimony of God's love and a great community. I miss you sweet Logan. We will be together again in Heaven.


News


Home > News

Logan's Legacy: What One Baby Taught His Mother and So Many Others
By Rachel Pleasant

THE LEDGER

This Mother's Day, Jennifer Gunter may get a bouquet of flowers, likely a card or two, perhaps a hand-drawn masterpiece from her daughter, Ava.


She will go to her job as a licensed practical nurse at Lakeland Regional Medical Center and lose herself in the patients, the demands of the day.



She will go home tired, maybe enjoy a few quiet moments before she crawls into bed.



All day - and for the rest of her life - there will be a hole. A hole only Logan Christopher could fill.





I left work early on Saturday and just sat at his grave side and read my Bible, I thought it might help soothe the aching pain I feel inside, but of course it does not.- Jennifer's blog entry, April 12

NOT ONE BABY, NOT TWO, BUT THREE



Before there were babies, there was only Jennifer and Jack, a police officer in Groveland.



They met in 2002, chatting through AOL. They flirted, they commiserated. They fell in love.



Jack Gunter, 27, was especially drawn to Jennifer's support of his dream of becoming a police officer.



"She was willing to help me and get me on track," he said.



In 2006, they made their love official, marrying in a small church wedding in Highland City.



They honeymooned for a few days at Walt Disney World, then came back to Lakeland - the only home either has ever known - and settled into married life.



About a year later, they welcomed their daughter, Ava, into the world. She was the first, but they both knew she wouldn't be the last.



Both Jack and Jennifer, 26, come from big families and they both dreamed of having their own sizeable brood.



"She had a paper where she wrote down all the names of her children," Jack said, recalling Jennifer's baby plans that started when Jennifer was in fifth grade. "There were four girl names and four boy names."



The couple planned to get pregnant again in June 2009, when Ava turned 2.



But God and nature had different plans, and Jennifer became pregnant about six months early.



Having previously experienced a miscarriage, she was alarmed when she felt cramping and burning early in her pregnancy. She went to her obstetrician and had an ultrasound. A heartbeat was heard. Everything was OK.



Jokingly - but also because he really did want a multiple pregnancy - Jack made a request of the ultrasound technician.



"He said, 'Go find another one,'" Jennifer recalled.



To their surprise, that's exactly what happened. Another heartbeat, and still everything looked just fine.



The Gunters went home, a little surprised but certainly happy.



At 12 weeks, Jennifer had another ultrasound. They found another baby. This one was smaller than the others, but everything was OK.



"I was shocked and ecstatically happy. Not that many people get blessed with that many kids. It was nice to be different," Jack said.



Mixed in with all that shock, joy and excitement - as you would expect - was just a little bit of fear and worry, especially when they considered their finances.



The Gunters live in a modest white house with red trim on a cul-de-sac off Walt Williams Road in North Lakeland. Their story is like that of most people: they work, but the wages aren't always enough to cover everything. How would they pay for all the expenses soon to come?



Jennifer picked up as many hours as she could. Friends, family members and co-workers gave what they could. Members of Journey Church and Jack's parents donated so many diapers that at one time they formed a tower in the Gunters' garage.



The Gunters did the best they could, focused on the little miracles forming in Jennifer's belly, and faced each day as it came.



"We always trusted in God. He gave us three and we knew there was a way to make it happen," Jack said.



28 WEEKS



Carrying three babies at once is not easy for the mom or the little ones growing inside her.



Aside from the sheer physical demands, mothers carrying multiples have an increased risk of everything from miscarriage to preeclampsia to gestational diabetes to premature labor, said Dr. Shailini Singh, a professor in the obstetrics and gynecology department at Marshall University's Joan C. Edwards School of Medicine in Huntington, W.Va.



There are more doctor's appointments, more tests, more of everything.



Jennifer proceeded along just fine until 25 weeks, when she had some cramping and her doctor determined she was already 3 centimeters dilated and 70 percent effaced. Her cervix was thinning and expanding; she was in labor.



As a point of reference, a full-term pregnancy lasts 40 weeks. With multiples, the general guideline is that in a best-case scenario delivery happens three weeks early for every additional baby - or six weeks in this case - said Dr. Julian De Lia of the International Institute for the Treatment of Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome in Milwaukee.



That's the guideline, but with multiples nothing is guaranteed. Still, it was too early for Jennifer's triplets to come.



Jennifer went on bedrest at Winnie Palmer Hospital in Orlando. At the hospital it was determined that two of her babies - Logan and Jacob, who developed out of a single egg that split and who shared a placenta - suffered from twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome.



Essentially, in twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome one baby receives too much blood and nutrients while the other receives too little.



The imbalance of nutrients and blood creates serious complications for both babies, said De Lia, who began studying twin-to-twin transfusion in 1983 and is considered a pioneer in laser treatment to correct it before birth.



"Think of conjoined or Siamese twins, but instead of the babies being joined by the body, they are joined in the placenta," De Lia said to paint a picture of the severity of TTTS.



Jennifer and her babies were watched carefully. At 27 weeks and six days, hospital staff told her the babies hadn't grown at all in two weeks. Also, Logan had been drained of his amniotic fluid, a result of the TTTS. They scheduled a Caesarean section and Jennifer delivered the babies at 28 weeks on July 18, 2009.



The world welcomed Andrew William, Jacob Ryan and Logan Christopher.



The difficult pregnancy was over, but the heartache was only just beginning.



POST-PARTUM



Upon delivery, all three babies were transferred to the neonatal intensive care unit. They were early and faced a tough road, but the overall prognosis was optimistic.



As time went by, that changed.



Andrew, who had his own placenta in the womb, was OK other than being premature.



Jacob, however, was found to have an enlarged heart - a result of the TTTS that required it to work harder because of the extra blood it pumped, Jennifer said. His heart has corrected itself, but he has severe brain damage.



Those two boys went home Sept. 23.



Logan stayed behind and faced the toughest road of all. Severely underdeveloped lungs. Infections. A host of other medical issues.



Death teased the Gunters. One day Logan would seem so full of life, fighting to breathe and fighting the tubes and wires that did it for him when he couldn't. Just days later he would decline, barely with them.



But he always bounced back. He was a fighter.



"He was like me. He was stubborn," Jennifer said.



Even let my fears get the best of me and played what Logan's funeral would be like over and over in my head. I'm trying to stay strong for Logan. He is still fighting so I need to continue to fight with him. He is the strongest bravest person I know.-Jennifer's blog entry, Nov. 8



LETTING HIM GO



Just a few days before Logan died, Jack got a rare chance to spend some alone time with him.



The demands of work and home took so much of Jack's time that he didn't get to see as much of Logan as he wanted. But on this day, he got to be there. It was a good day, too.



"The last day that we were together, he was watching 'The Lion King.' I'd sit there and talk to him. He had little toys and birds that he'd watch," Jack said.



"He was healthy and happy and giggling."



The next day, Jack and Jennifer were to go back to the hospital to be trained in learning how to care for Logan's tracheotomy when he was released. He was coming home. Soon.



But on the way to the hospital, their cell phone rang. He was in trouble and it didn't look good.



They stayed by his side in the hospital for two days. The morning of Jan. 30, Jennifer knew it was time. Logan had fought so hard and she wanted him to know he didn't have to anymore.



"I laid hands on him and prayed to God to take him," she said.



The family spent that morning holding Logan and taking pictures with him. Jennifer finally got the opportunity to hold all three of her sons at once. It felt so good to hold Logan and not feel tubes and wires.



That afternoon, at 1:15 p.m., it all came to an end. Logan died at 6 1/2 months old.



"His whole body stiffened and then he relaxed," Jennifer said.



"I carried him back to the NICU, put him in a bassinet and we left him there."



LOGAN'S LESSON



I know my sweet boy touched many people's lives, I pray that Logan's purpose for being on this earth reaches you and that you too will know the love God holds for you in Heaven so you can one day experience it too. I love you Logan. You will never be forgotten by many.-Jennifer's blog entry, Jan. 30



One thing Jennifer has always known for sure is that Logan did not live - or die - in vain. She thinks his purpose here on earth was love.



That love came from the emotional and financial help the Gunters received at every turn. From the closeness with each other that deepened while caring for him. From the readers who followed the family's story on Jennifer's blog. From the comfort they found in God.



When it came time to bury Logan, the Gunters were determined to do it in a way that honored all the love he'd brought to their lives.



"I wanted a viewing, a procession. I wanted it all," Jennifer said.



The total came to $4,000. They didn't know how to pay for it - probably by running up their credit card bills - when an anonymous donor called Gentry-Morrison Funeral Home. He'd recently lost his wife and after reading Logan's obituary in The Ledger, he knew his wife would want him to do this.



He paid for the funeral in full.



More than 100 people came to the service, many of whom had never met Logan.



"We had an altar call after the service for anyone who wasn't saved. Six people accepted Jesus that day," Jennifer said.



The generosity of that stranger, the strangers who flocked to Logan's funeral and those who were inspired to be saved all because of him, Jennifer said, are Logan's legacy.



"He was a life changer. He changed my life. I'll never be the same. My faith will never be the same," Jennifer said.



2nd time since Logan has died, I had someone go "Oh twins, How sweet." So, today I corrected the lady when she said are all these kids yours? Look twins. So I said, "No they are actually triplets and Ava is 2. Then she looks around at the car seats and goes "where is the 3rd one." I could not bring myself to tell the lady he was dead. So I just said he was not with us right now.-Jennifer's blog entry, Feb. 7



[ Rachel Pleasant Chambliss can be reached at 863-802-7533 or rachel.pleasant@theledger.com. ]
This story appeared in print on page A1 Sunday May 9, 2010

God I'll praise you in this storm!

So here it is 1:28am and I'm wide awake praising God for all the good and bad in my life. I should be sleeping. I have to be up early. The lady from The Ledger is suppose to be here at 8:30 to interview me about my children for mother's day. So many things continue to run though my head. My grandpa is dying. I am bothered by how my mom is reacting to this. When the babies were born she was constantly telling me not to get my hopes up that they might die. Then when Logan did die, she told me, "To be honest, I did not think he would live as long as he did." Yes, she was upset and I know it was not easy for her or any of my family. Myself and everyone else sat on edge through all his ups and downs preparing ourselves for his death and then he would get better. This happened time and time again, and finally when I stopped preparing myself for him to die and planning his funeral in my head. When I finally got the thoughts of him coming home. When I finally took his car seat out of the box and threw the box away. When I bought 3 of everything he finally died and went home. It hurt so bad that I could not stand to see 3 of anything in my house. I sold his car seat to a friend of a friend for way less than I paid for it just so I would not have to look at it. So I would not see the empty void of a seat that he would never ever sit in. I gave brand new cloths with tags aways to anyone that would take them from me. Hundreds of dollars of items I just gave away. Mobiles, toys, anything that reminded me that he would never come home. I dealt with it. I stood strong. I have faith in our God that he is home that he is where he is suppose to be. I have peace with this. Though my flesh yearns for his presence. My body aches to hold him. I feel like my mind is erasing him and every time I see his face in a picture the burning pain comes back. I shake it off and move on. I take care of my children. I do what I have to do. I don't drowned the pain in pills, cigarettes, massive quantities of alcohol. I'm not out getting high and I'm not sleeping my life away. I have something to live for. I have 3 children who need me. A husband who loves me and most important a God who loves me. I was told the other day "you have the worst luck" Luck has nothing to do with it. Life sucks sometimes, and when things get bad you just continue to praise him. While Logan was dying in my arms and I just rocked him and tried to soak in every moment I could with him. We were waiting for my sister and my children to come, so we could tell Logan goodbye together and the the only thing that came to me was to sing to him. "You are awesome in this place mighty God, you are awesome in this place hallelujah..." I remember sitting there singing and my friend Jennifer stood behind me and sang with me. My mom told me today that when her dad passes she don't know what she has to live for. I'm like you got to be kidding. Your husband, your children, you grandchildren. Live life! Praise God!

The point of this rant. My mom does not deal with death very well at all. She feels like everyone is leaving her. She still has not really overcome the death of her grandmother Meem. Now her father is dying of cancer just like Meem did. My mom had an extremely rough childhood. One that I could not imagine living though. My mom is way more forgiving than I am. I have few family members in my life that have crossed me the wrong way one to many times that could care less if I ever seen them from the rest of my life. I am trying to lead by my mom's example with this and move on forgive and forget...I still haven't quite got there, but I'm trying. My mom forgives and loves and bends over backwards for people who once made her life hell. I don't know my mom's heart and can't speak for her. I just pray that she could except what life deals her with loved one's deaths like she forgives the past. My grandpa is saved. I don't want to see him go either. I'm scared my mom is going to loose it when my grandpa goes home to be with God. I pray that God just surrounds her and gives her peace. Not just her, but everyone that will hurt when he is gone. Everyone who's lives he touched. I love him so much, and I regret not having the same relationship with him, like I did when I was younger. I used to call him every day. He was my rock when things were bad at home during my parents rough years. He made Christmas exciting when we were kids. We always had Christmas Eve dinner at his and Grandma Sandy's house. Our entire family got together, We would pray and eat dinner. Then he sat in his recliner and gave out presents to everyone wearing his Santa hat. I miss those days.

My mom told me that he is getting weaker, that his liver is not really functioning anymore. He has lost a ton of weight. I can't even see him. He is suppose to be getting chemo, but he has been so sick, that he could not get chemo because of his liver if I understood my mom correctly. He can't be around my children. I fear that when I went to see him in the hospital a month ago was the first and last time he will ever see my children. I cry when I think about it. He might not be able to hold my children anymore, but when he gets to Heaven he will get to meet Logan after he meets God. I hate cancer! I hate hate hate that he was not able to afford medical treatment and slipped though the crack so long. Everyone in my house has been so sick, my mom, my children, Jack, and me at times. Because of this we can't even visit. When Jack is home on Wednesday I hope I can go see him. I just want to crawl in bed next to him and talk to him about whatever for as long as I can. I thank God my Aunt Holly has been his rock though this. He is staying with her right now. Anyone who reads this and make any sense out of my now 2:17am writing please pray for my family. That God not only give my grandpa comfort and peace, but help all of his family and friends though a tough time. God Bless Everyone and Good night

PS. not sure if I even mentioned it, but they originally said he had 6 months - 2 years, but now they are thinking 3 months or less. He has stage 4 pancreatic cancer that has spread into the spleen and all over the liver. It is in the lymph nods and who knows where else. He does not eat well, and stays in a lot of pain.