9 years

Today marks 9 years since I made the choice to let you go by turning your ventilator off. It's been really hard on my heart and mind lately. I've struggled with guilt that maybe I made the wrong decision. All the what ifs I can never answer. I've grieved harder than I have in years. My anxiety has been out of control and the depression has moved in. I love you. Your dad and I are headed to deliver the baby bags we do in your memory every year to Oh My Baby. We have 16 this year. 15 in the back of the van and 1 our friend Elisa is bringing in memory of her angel baby Avery. This afternoon your brothers, sisters, daddy, and me will bring new flowers to your grave and do something special thinking about you.

8 years later

Remembering Logan is always the hardest post I write every year. Another year has come and gone without a piece of my heart. Today is the 8 year anniversary of Logan's death. Nothing makes talking about death easy, especially a child's death. As his mother I choose to speak about him openly. I chose years ago not to spend the entire day dwelling on the sadness this day brings that never quite goes away. Though as I write this post I can't stop the tears from falling. As a family we spend the day celebrating his life along side of mourning his death.

 Remembering the short time we had with him is important to me. Jack and I spend this day together every year. It is more important to me than any birthday or anniversary.

8 years later I still remember almost every detail of 6 months and 12 days his heart beat. As a coping mechanism I tend to block out things in my life that have caused me any kind of trauma or anxiety. Sometimes I have to stop and just look at his pictures and the few clips of videos I have of him just to draw me back in. Remembering his face. Remembering his little temper. Remembering how long and hard he fought to live. He never gave up. Choosing to turn his ventilator off to spare him from suffering anymore is something I still struggle with and live with daily. I've cried a river of tears. My guilt will always be there in making that decision for him.

The triplets premature birth, Jacob's brain injury diagnoses, then Logan's death all happening within 6 months goes without saying was the worst time in mine and Jack's lives. Many relationship can't make it through that kind of loss. Jack and I by far have had our moments but reflecting back over 8 years our family is stronger. We are incredibly blessed. We were blessed to have Logan even for a short time. I still see Logan every day in Jacob's eyes. It's a  reminder of the connection they share. They both had the deepest brown most innocent eyes that melt your heart.  Jacob is still winning over all the ladies with those eyes. 😁

I'm all over the place. It's past 4am. Ive been writing this post between tears for over an hour. My reflecting is my time to remember. To cry without an audience and to just let my emotions flow. I'm okay. We are okay. I'm looking forward to spending the day with my husband. I'm looking forward to holding and loving on baby Jackson today who happens to be 4 days older than Logan was when he passed. I'm thanking God for my healthy children. I'm looking forward to spending the afternoon with my children and going out to dinner to celebrate Logan's life. I'm looking forward to dropping off all the baby bags to Gwen who runs Oh My Baby. My goal is a bag for every year he has been gone. This year instead of 8 bag I have 10 bags AND a $150 donation from a sweet friend that will make an 11th bag. Thank you to my sisters Patricia and Sarah who I pestered endlessly until they bought stuff off my Amazon registry. Thank you Beth. Thank you to all of the generous people from my feeding tube backpack page that truly helped me reach and surpass my goal. Between the monetary donation and the items bought for the bags that's roughly $1650 we raised in about 30 days.

Creating these bags is a major outlet for me every year. 11 babies will benefit from Logan's love this year. 💓

Because I've failed to keep up with the blog Jackson Gunter was born on July 14th. He is 6.5 months old. Perfectly healthy and is ruling the house. 💓

7 years later...

I can't believe it has been a year since I have written in this space. Today marks the 7 year anniversary of Logan's passing. It is always a day full of emotions both happy and sad. This dsy brings up a lot of raw hurt and emotions that I've spent years suppressing and overcoming. It can be written and said a million times but it is so true, you never get over the loss of a child. You learn how to live with it.

Logan's memory and his name all these years later is often said in our home. He is acknowledged and fully loved as part of our family. His place in our home and our hearts can never be filled. Even his little sister Hannah knows who he is and loves him. She talks about him all the time. She is 4 and doesn't fully understand why baby Logan can't come back. I was collecting baby donations for Oh My Baby all this month. Hannah kept asking questions and why we are giving all this stuff away. I tell her we donate these items in Logan's memory. I tried to explain that it makes mommy and and daddy feel good on such a sad day to focus on something positive and happy by helping others. Hannah burst into tears. She tells me through sobs and tears falling down her face..,"but Mommy I don't want to give Logan's memory away. I want to keep it. He lives in my heart and I love him." Oh my how hard it was to explain this concept to a 4 year old. I love her innocents and compassion.

I also wanted to announce to those who still follow this blog. We are expecting our 6th child in late July. The kids are especially very excited about it.

Our goal this year was 7 completed baby bags (they have a list of what each bag needs to have) to donate today. We had a very good response from our friends this year and actually collected enough items for 8 bags!! We also have some extra diapers to donate as well. We look forward to dropping these bags off tomorrow. We have 4 boy and 4 girl bags. I hope these bags are a blessing to others.

6 years later

Today marks another year we have lived without you. When I think of you, the sorrow that once consumed me is not what it used to be. It will never completely go away I'm sure and I don't want it to.  Sometimes I need it to be there to remember. I need that pain it is part of me. Remembering those wonderful, yet agonizing painful moments you were with us help me feel close to you still. I will always carry you in my heart and my arms will always long to hold you again no matter how many years pass by. Even though you would have been 7 this year and I watch your brothers grow and grow, I can't even imagine you as a 7 year old boy. You will forever be my baby.

Today we celebrate your life. We will fill today with happy memories and family time together. We will deliver 6 bags to Oh My Baby in your honor to help 6 precious babies and their mothers that are in need. I really enjoy doing this every year. It gives me something good to look forward to. 5 of these bags were donated to me to give. I love this organization and what their mission is. I love that I can do this to honor your life every year and that we will have a bag for every year you have been gone.

Thank you to all the wonderful people at Family Insurance Center who donated as well as to Amy and Lindsey for putting these bags together and organizing this effort and to anyone else who donated to make these 5 bags happen.

 I am thankful to God for every moment I had with you. I am blessed to be your mother and I am blessed to share your story with others to keep your legacy alive. You touched hundreds of lives while you were with us. Your strong spirt and will to live was unwaiving. You will always be the bravest person I know. Your dad and I will always be your biggest fans. I will probably always carry the guilt of letting you go and feeling like I failed you. I know in my heart though letting you go when we did was not only the most painful decision of my life, but the best one for you. I know without a doubt you would have continued to fight and suffer as you already had for 6 months and 12 days and ultimately God would have called you home anyway.

I like to think a piece of you is with me, your dad, and your siblings. Each one of us talk about you and love you as if you were still physically here. Even Hannah knows your face and understands who you are. She tells me everytime she sees your picture  that you are her brother and she loves you.

I will love you forever baby boy.

Jacob lost his 2nd tooth today

Jacob lost his 1st tooth about 2 weeks ago. We didn't discover it until we were at speech therapy. The therapist says "When did Jacob loose a tooth?" My response was "Jacob is missing a tooth?" I had just brushed his teeth the night before and it wastill there. I didn't even notice it was loose. We are in his mouth all the time for brushing oral stimulation for feedin therapy, and during feeds of course. We noticed the next day his other bottom tooth was loose and both front teeth. A few days ago we seen 1 of his adult teeth growing in. I was playing with his tooth this morning trying to get it out...I dropped him off at school and told them it was really loose and be was trying to use his tongue to get at it. Apparently with the help of 1 of his classroom aids Destiny he finally got that 2nd tooth out. My babies are growing to fast.

Meet Stan

This past Saturday we went to our local animal shelter and adopted a dog. He got to come home today. The kids are thrilled. He is a very well manored dog. He didn't even bark at the cat. On the other hand the cat is pissed and she has been hiding since we brought Stan home.

walking for our boys this Saturday.

We are walking for the 3rd year in a row for March for Dimes this Saturday. I so excited.

https://m.marchforbabies.org/march/personal_page.asp?pp=3575630&ct=4&w=6994432&u=nenebeesmurfy2&bt=34

This was from last year's walk.